Like any good Republican, I never let reason or logic get in the way of a good irrational fear. Lately we all have been feeling those feelings of trepidation as the Congress and our fearless Commander Guy have debated the horrible subject of Immigration.

As I have said before, I have nothing against immigrants, as long as they know their place. Consuela can clean my toilet, Wing Wang can iron my shirts, and Apu can serve me my morning coffee. But I’ll be damned if I am going to give them amnesty to do it. Let them hide in the shadows, keeping one step ahead of la migra. It keeps them in line and prevents us from having to deal with uppity people who think they have rights or something.

Having thought long and hard on this problem, and having listened to the defeatocrats trying to legislate amnesty, I have come up with a modest proposal, which I think will once and for all take care of not only the immigration problem, but also a host of other issues stifling our country. It’s time to repeal the thirteenth amendment.

This simple act will cure all of our society’s problems. Health care for the poor will no longer be an issue. Can’t afford a doctor for your children, send your kid off to “summer camp” and make a little money to boot. Lost your good-paying union job to a Chinese sweat shop? No sweat! Get off unemployment and get some good exercise in the fields. Lost your house to foreclosure after all the good jobs in your town went the way of the Wal-Mart Supercenter? No problem! Enjoy free room and board at any one of a number of exciting locations scattered all over the sunny south!

Won’t you join me in helping to bring this to reality? If every American petitions his favorite Republican candidate on this issue, we can all party like it’s 1699!