The Dipshit Express nearly ran off the road this week, as Johnny began to flirt with the notion of naming former Pennsylvania governor Tom Ridge as his Vice Presidential pick, creating quite a stirring in the conservative community.

Tom Ridge not only is pro-abortion, he has performed at least 20 all by himself, usually using toilet plungers, margarita mix, and shop vacs. He is an unacceptable choice for the party, which values the sanctity of life–unless it is brown, on death row, starving, Iraqi, or any of the other degenerates Jesus put us on the Earth to kill.

Once again John McCain has shown that he is unfit to be Commander Guy. Why not just name a gay illegal Mexican and just close the circle on stupidity?

We have a chance in St. Paul in September to undo this great injustice. The last time we Republicans had such a pitiful candidate, Bob Dole got his prostate-enlarged ass handed to him by Bill Clinton. And the same is going to happen again this year.

Cindy, you are the last hope we have. It shouldn’t take much. All you would have to do is overexert him. Maybe you could have sex with him. I know, the thought is disgusting, but I am sure it would kill him. Maybe you could fill the hyperbolic chamber he sleeps in with that same poison gas they tried to kill those Jedi with at the beginning of Episode I.

I really don’t care how you do it. But you just have to. Please save us from McCain!