Blanca has caught whatever the Filipino equivalent of Montezuma’s Revenge is. She has been glued to the toilet for the past 48 hours, hoping that someone would put her out of her misery.

The ordeal started innocently enough, with a trip to Jollibee. For those of you who have never travelled beyond the borders of the United States–yes, I am looking at you Sarah Palin–Jollibee is the Filipino version of McDonald’s, except the clown is a bee, the hamburgers have Thousand Island Dressing on them, and they sell spaghetti with sweet sauce and frankfurters, and fried chicken. Actually, in the Philippines, McDonald’s sells a fried chicken meal called McDo, which has rice, gravy, and something resembling chicken, fried to a crisp.

But I digress.

I have been watching the financial meltdown with a great deal of interest from my toilet seat in Manila. What has been most interesting is how completely lost John McCain and Sarah Palin have been throughout the entire fiasco. It seems Johnny Boy doesn’t understand the economy any better than he understands a computer or a cellular telephone. Oh, hell, McCain doesn’t understand electricity, running water, or flushing toilets, either.

It really is rather depressing watching foreigners laugh at me and my country when I admit to them that I am not really a Canadian, but am a Republican running from my own party. The howls of laughter were exceptionally difficult and deafening after Palin decided to visit the UN and talk to world leaders. Most of the diplomats looked like they wanted her to just shut up and go away. Actually, I think the Brazillian delegate was preparing a poison dart to shoot at her. Personally I have been paying a bunch of unemployed Eskimos to set bear traps all over Wasilla, in the hopes she would get caught, and have to gnaw off her leg to get free. Let’s see McCain run with a gimp for a running mate.

When I saw that the government wanted to pay $700 billion to bail out the financial industry, I immediately declared myself a bank. So Mr. Bernake, where is my money? Blanca needs to get paid! Come to think of it, she also needs to get laid.

But I think the icing on the cake has been Obama’s standing in the polls. It is now clear that he will win the election. The majority of polls are now showing him ahead in Ohio. Florida is a tie. Virginia and North Carolina are back and forth. Even Indiana is too close to call.

If Obama takes the states in which he leads now, he wins. But turnout is everything, and it looks like he could tip the scales in at least two other contests. The jig is up, Mr. McCain. And I don’t just mean Obama.

This Friday Blanca will have a debate party in Manila with some of her closest friends. Actually, they are mostly call boys from Ermita. They are pretty cheap here, so Blanca can afford to buy in bulk. They are small, so it’s best to take a dozen.

We will have a drinking game during the debate. Every time John McCain says something absolutely fucking stupid, we drink lambanog. We should be shit faced by ten after. But at least it will make the pain of the next six weeks a bit more bearable. Until someone does us all a great big favor and shoots both McCain and Palin with enough elephant tranquilizers to keep them quiet through November, there will be no peace at home.

I wonder if Abu Sayaf would like a Hockey Mom and a Maverick to behead?