Dear Governor Palin,
You probably know by now that I have not been altogether happy with your placement on the 2008 Republican ticket. But with recent events, I think we are stuck with each other, and should make the best of a bad situation.
It seems our party is placing all of its hopes in you, not only to bring us back from the brink of extinction–like such a thing could exist since evolution is just a fairy tale–but also to be the first female candidate for President for our party. Well, you will be unless Lindsay Graham finally comes out of the closet and dons that little pink chiffon number he’s had his eye on for years.
And speaking of which, please stop buying your clothes at that shop “Out of the Closet.” It just sends the wrong message to our youth. It makes us look like we tolerate all those homosexualists. I think you need to start shopping at Jesus’ Secret or Jehova’s Wardrobe.
When asked to name a newspaper you read, just remember this simple rule. Take the name of a major city, and add the word “Times,” and voi là you have the name of a newspaper. Just remember The New York Times, Washington Times, and Los Angeles Times. It even works for podunks like you know and love: Wasilla Times, Barrow Times, Nome Times. No one will ever fact check you, trust me.
If you can’t remember any Supreme Court decisions you disagree with, just remember Brown vs. Board of Education, Lawrence vs. Texas, and Loving vs. Virginia. Failing that, you can just take any name and make it vs. the People or some state. If you can’t remember this–and how freakin’ stupid must you be to forget something so simple–then just take the name of a movie. For instance, you could name Kramer vs. Kramer, The People vs. Larry Flynt, or Godzilla vs. Megalon. If you can’t remember this, then you are beyond help and just need to be set out on an ice floe and put out of all of our collective misery.
If asked about the Bush Doctrine, try to remember that it has nothing to do with shaving your hoo ha. It is about pre-emptive military action. There are probably a couple of other doctrines, with which you should become familiar. There is the Powell Doctrine, the Monroe Doctrine, and the Truman Doctrine. If you can’t remember what a particular doctrine is, don’t say “in what way?” to the reporter. That makes you look like an idiot. Just say “I fully support that doctrine, and anyone who doesn’t is not supporting American security.” That way you make the person asking the question look like a Commie or something.
Finally, if you can’t figure out why some US Americans can’t find the United States on a map, please don’t say it is because some people don’t have maps. Try to skip forward to the talent section and ignore things you don’t understand. Then again, since it seems you are a complete moron, maybe you should just do any future interviews topless to distract from your complete ineptitude. Nothing says Presidential like a nice rack.
Well, I hope this has been helpful. If not, maybe you could go hunting with Dick Cheney. That way Mike Huckabee might have a real chance. I really need to be able to look forward to something in 2012 other than those half naked gay guys diving at the Olympics in London.
Love,
Blanca
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