After the election I fell into a depressing funk brought about all the talk of change, and the complete dissolution of my beloved Republican party. Some on the right chose to spend this time in a funk spouting nonsensicals, attempting to create order out of chaos or to bring understanding to the un-understandable. But I chose instead to bury my head in a five gallon drum of Rocky Road ice cream. That, and I went on a spending spree so massive, that I, alone, am responsible for at least 3% of the consumer spending in the month of November.

One of the big ticket items I purchased was a new computer to upload instructions to my brand new gold-plated Linda Lovelace Programmable Dildo. If you are a woman of means–and a woman without men–I highly suggest its purchase.

As I was sitting in my office, surrounded by the mounting piles of newspaper and magazine clippings praising the new President-elect’s choices for cabinet and transition team, I struggled to get my Microsoft Vista to do what I wanted–namely not crash every time I tried to plug the dildo into the USB port. It was the worst and most premature case of coitus interruptus I have ever experienced.

After I had been struggling against Microsoft’s flagship for a little over two hours, I decided I had had enough, and I called technical support.

But since everything is off-shored these days, instead of being put in touch with a corn-fed boy who would gladly come over as part of the Geek Squad and service not only my computer but me as well, I was routed to some place in Mumbai, where the guy answering the phone told me his name was “Chuck.”

I don’t care if you call yourself Billy Joe Jim Bob Huckabee, with an accent like that you are Punjab. I might as well call Bobby Jindal for my PC support. At least he knows how to fake an American accent when he does his television interviews in between running the 7-11 and the Pelican State.

“Chuck” kept asking me for my serial number. I had no idea where the hell the serial number was, and I told him I am not in the habit of writing shit down for future reference. I am a Republican, for God’s sake. I don’t write anything down. I just make it up as I go along. I told him just as much, but all he kept saying was “oh, gosh, my goodness, doncha know, I am looking fer the license, you betcha.” He obviously went to the same finishing school as that Wasilla Hillbilly, Caribou Barbie.

I had had enough. I slammed down the phone, unplugged the PC, and threw it in the back of my BMW, and started on a road trip. If the Muslim Terrorist can’t go to the Mountain, the Mountain can go to the guy palling around with unrepentent domestic terrorists. Luckily I have a full selection of road tunes, for just such rage-inspired transcontinental voyages. So for the next 1,500 miles I had plenty of music to keep me occupied. Next stop Redmond, Washington.

I pulled up to Microsoft Headquarters just as the final song in my iPod was concluding. I carted out the PC; carrying it under one arm I walked up to the main reception area and demanded to see Bill Gates.

“I need PC support. Tell Bill Blanca is here.”

They acted rather incredulous. I told the receptionist, a rather lithe twenty-something, that I was a very famous right wing pundit, and I demanded immediate action. She just stared at me like I had just informed her she was two pounds overweight.

I slammed my fist on the counter and demanded once again that Bill give me my PC support.

I guess that did it. I got immediate attention. A few minutes later, I found myself being hauled into the back of a black and white on my way to the Redmond Police Station.

What is it with Republicans being taken away in the back of police cars these days?

To make a long story short, I spent the night in jail and made a couple of new Republican friends, all of who were in jail for either having sex with a minor or lude public behavior. I think it’s a trend.

Tomorrow I will hook up with my puki pal and see the Space Needle and maybe Mt. Rainier.

By the way, I never did get my computer fixed, so it is manual labor for me tonight until I can download the new program into my dildo.