Barack Obama said the most offensive thing in history on Thursday night when he palled around with Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.

Actually, I had no idea he was even on the teevee or that he said something offensive until my Right Wing Fax Machine© by Halliburton fired off yesterday morning.

Well, I didn’t even know the fax machine was spewing out reems of paper, until my puki pal Michelle Malkin woke me up in her traditional Filipina way. She squatted bare ass on my chest and pissed on my head. I am beginning to doubt the veracity of some of the cultural traditions, which she keeps introducing to me. I mention some of the strange things she does like masturbating with bananas and wiping her ass with anahaw leaves after taking a crap. None of my other Filipino friends acts like she does. Maybe it’s not so much tradition as the fact that she is a raving lunatic.

But I digress.

So I stumbled into the kitchen to read my daily talking point fax. Well, not so much stumbled as I was dragged by my gal pal Ann Coulter who had spent the night. I vaguely remember having some soft of slumber party with all of my gal pals. I think I saw Melanie Morgan splayed out nude on the living room floor, and I could swear I saw Laura Ingraham spooning with Meghan McCain on the sofa. To make a long story short, never get into a drinking game with a bunch of right wing ladies. I can’t remember a damn thing, but later when I took a shower, I noticed I was wearing Melanie Morgan’s underwear.

I couldn’t make hide nor hair of the talking points. To tell you the truth, I was so hung over, I may have been reading the user’s manual for the microwave for all I know. All I could understand was that Obama had insulted the Olympics, or bowlers, or stupid people. It wasn’t making much sense. I could tell that this particular fax was probably dictated by Rush Limbaugh. Until he’s had his Katamine in the morning, the man is useless.

But then I got a call from Sarah Palin, who proceeded to explain to me in terms a six-year-old could understand, what Barack Obama had done that was so offensive. Sarah really has a gift for breaking things down so anyone can understand them.

Well, it’s not so much a gift for pedagogy as a gift of thinking like a six-year-old child. Well that may be offensive to a six-year-old. I’ve known quite a few who could find Africa on a map and knew it was a continent, not a country.

Sarah explained to me that Barack Obama made the most offensive joke in history by comparing his 129 bowling score to a Special Olympian. I was shocked and started crying. Well, I did after Sarah told me I should do so. Then I cried. That was until she got tired of the whining and told me to knock it off and save it for the cameras.

If anyone would know about offending retards, it is Sarah Palin. If it wasn’t through her constant rabid attacks on American intelligence during the election, it was through her tireless efforts to use her sack of potatoes called Trig as a photo op during the Republican National Convention. But I think her greatest moment was when she refused stimulus money–money designed to help the very children she proports to defend–because she has fiscal morals.

Actually, she doesn’t have morals, but she has balls. I saw them. I think they were the Balls of Steele, which were surgically removed by Rush Limbaugh a few weeks ago.

So I am all offended and such by the thing that Obama said, which I was told about. It really hurts. I am crying. I am sad. I will never recover. The End.