It’s very difficult to be a Republican these days. You have to do and say things, that don’t always make sense. It is not something just anyone can do. Only the best of the best can be Republicans today, and that’s why–and for that reason alone–just 21% of the country identifies themselves as Republicans.
The most important thing to remember to be a good Republican in 2009 is to not admit you are a Republican. Use code words like Conservative, or Libertarian, or Constitutionalist. But above all, do not let on that you are a Republican. It just won’t get you anywhere. In fact, in some parts of the country, you will be driven out of town on the horse you rode in on, which can be downright embarrassing when that horse is a 16-year-old male congressional page, as in the case of Mark Foley.
You also need to repeat the meme that Democrats and Republicans are the same. But even as you ensure everyone that there is no difference between the two parties, you must stress that Democrats are destroying this country, and that Republicans are much better at running the country. You also must cry about how Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barney Frank are destroying stuff. You really have to emphasize Barney Frank. And get all indignant when people call you out for being homophobic. Better yet, if they expose you as a homophobe, call them a fag.
Another important idea to keep in mind as a good Republican is how polarizing Barack Obama is. If people don’t understand how polarizing he is, refer to him as Barack Hussein Obama. That usually does the trick. Oh, if it doesn’t, draw a Hitler mustache on his picture. By the way, if people point out how polarizing Dick Cheney, Newt Gingerich, or George W. Bush are, just put them on television over and over again saying the most polarizing things just to prove how non-polarizing they are.
Oh, and you have to really whine about the deficit. Explain how we have record deficits, and that it will destroy the country. When someone brings up the deficit spending under Bush, just act like you have no idea who Bush is. Better yet, act like nothing happened between January 20, 2001 and January 20, 2009. Insist it went Bush-Clinton-Obama. If you need help ignoring entire periods of history, I suggest finding a German. They are very good at ignoring their own misdeeds. In fact, pretty much everyone in Germany agrees that nothing happened between 1933 and 1945.
To be a good Republican, you have to hate tax cuts for the very first time in history. You also have to pretend that you didn’t get a tax cut. This will be hard, because most Republicans today are either mega-rich or dirt poor inbred trailer trash from Alabama or Kansas. I suggest watching Martha Stewart to figure out how to make your warn out clothes look like they are trash chic–you know, the kind of clothes that really rich yuppies like to wear. Of course being from Oklahoma or Utah, you probably don’t have electricity or television, let alone know who Martha Stewart is. I tell you what, even though it will repulse you, find a gay person and ask for some fashion help.
You also have to pretend that we really are a big tent party, even as—and here’s the tricky part—you enact legislation designed to deny entire group of people their rights. The great thing is that as times change, you can just start to support these groups and deny you ever discriminated. Loving v. Virginia? Wasn’t that an episode of “Gilligan’s Island?” Anti-sodomy laws? Never heard of them. Of course we welcome civil unions, haven’t we always? Gay marriage, oh gosh, where did you get the idea we didn’t approve of that?
You also need to listen to the leaders of the Party and to turn to them for guidance, so that we can deliver a unified message. Of course it all depends on what day of the week it is as to who is the leader of the party. Definitely, if it is Monday through Friday, the leader of the party is Rush Limbaugh. On the weekends, it is a rotating position, shared between whatever minority we can find who can regurgitate whatever bullshit we feed him or her. The rotation usually goes black guy, dumb chick, and Indian guy (aka 7-Eleven Guy). Sometimes we have a washed up has-been whose own moral foibles make him the laughing stock of the nation: read Newt Gingerich or Rudy Giuliani.
You also have to be able to stay the dumbest shit possible with a straight face. Blanca has been doing this for years, so I can give you some pointers. For instance, when asked if the Republican Party is becoming too narrowly focused, and is ignoring larger groups of Americans, just say that yours is the big tent party: the party of freedom. If a rather intelligent reports calls you out on this crap, just break into a song and dance about how tea baggers love freedom, yada yada yada. If you need help on the dance number, think of the “Razzle Dazzle” number from Chicago.
It may be difficult, but if you adhere to these simple rules, you, too, can be a effective Republican, and ride the wave of approval all the way to victory.
Some time by 2038.
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