Dear Larry,
First off, I wanted to thank you for all of your hard work protecting marriage and everything but marriage from the gay. I think of you as not only a personal hero, but also as a national treasure. You have made it hip to hate again.
Although I think you are beloved by just about every God-loving, Jesus-fearing, secretly-lusting-after-homo American, there are some out there who do not like you for reasons, which are beyond me. We all know who these people are. They are the front line soldiers of the homosexual army. These naughty dirty boys have done everything they could to sully your good name. They have even been spreading some terrible stories about you throughout the great State of Washington.
I was hoping you could put an end to these scurrilous rumors and nip this in the bud once and for all. Unless you offer a complete and utter denial, I am afraid not only I but all my readers will have to conclude that these stories are completely and 100% true.
One of the more disturbing stories I have heard is that you have had three divorces. Even though divorce is not illegal and you most likely divorced women and not men, treating marriage like a revolving door doesn’t help the cause very much, now does it? If you don’t take the “until death us do part” seriously, can’t you at least arrange for your wives for meet with some unfortunate “accidents?” I mean if it worked for Prince Charles, it can work for you.
I also heard that you refused to pay child support in one of your divorces. While denying child support to a gay child is perfectly acceptable, if the kid is not a carpet muncher or a pickle smoker, you really should pay for your offspring. It really doesn’t work for the whole “won’t someone think of the children” argument when you are abandoning the results of your broken condoms left and right. Remember, only celebrities are allowed to turn their children out. And as far as I can tell, you don’t look like you could pass for Joan Crawford. OK, you could, if you lost some weight and put on some eye shadow.
But the worst rumor I heard was that the reason for one of your divorces was that your wife found gay porn on your home computer. Now, while I know that trolling the Internets for gay porn is important as part of your research into the homosexual agenda, I do find it hard to believe that that you would have a lifetime subscription to both Mandate magazine and ChaosMen.com unless you were just a little gay. No one cares if you are gay. We just don’t want to be reminded of where you put your dick.
If you can dispel these rumors with a complete denial, it will go a long way to fixing our battered movement to protect marriage and make homophobia fashionable again.
Sincerely,
Blanca DeBree
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