The other night I was watching C-SPAN. Don’t ask. Blanca leads a lonely life, occasionally punctuated by political porn emanating from the well of the House of Representatives. Tuesday was such a night.
Freshman Congressman Alan Grayson of Florida revealed the Republican and insurance industry health care plan: don’t get sick, and if you do, die quickly.
I, along with all of my Republican friends was appalled. Just like the Democrats who were angered by Joe Wilson’s outburst during a joint session of Congress last month, I could not believe what I was hearing. It filled me with anger. It made my blood boil. It was uncalled for.
How did Alan Grayson discover our super secret double probation health care plan in the first place? We had so cleverly concealed it by pretending we didn’t have any plan at all. We have gone to a lot of trouble to keep the general public from knowing our plan. We even got Sarah Palin to come out against death panels this year when a couple of people were getting close to discovering the truth.
And trust me, it wasn’t easy to trick a bunch of inbred idiots to rally against health care at all those town halls. But trust me, as we were watching the coverage on Fox News, well aware of what our real plan was, we were laughing our asses off at the morons marching in Washington. And you think all those misspelled signs were a mistake? We handed those out on purpose, so everyone would be too distracted by bad grammar to really look closely at our plan.
In fact, it was a Democrat who had managed to grab one of the copies of our plan we were waving during Obama’s speech to Congress last month, which prompted the whole Joe Wilson “You Lie” debacle. We had to think fast as the young Congressman from Pennsylvania was leafing through our plan, about to get to the big secret near the end. The only thing we could think of was getting someone to distract him long enough to snatch the plan out of his hands. Mission Accomplished.
But I guess we couldn’t hold off the barking dogs indefinitely. Like the climatic ending to Soylent Green, our secret was finally revealed on the floor of the House of Representatives on Tuesday night. Now all the hard work we have done on behalf of the insurance companies is going to be for nothing as millions of Americans start to actually think of the startling statistic that 44,000 people die every year for a want of health insurance.
Well, it was a good run while it lasted. I guess it is time to dump all that health insurance stock we’ve been given as graft over the years. I guess we Republicans will just have to chalk the battle over health insurance reform up as a loss. At least we can now give our full attention to our 2012 White House campaign. Without revealing too much, our plan is simple: hope America gets attacked, pray for millions to die, and then cock walk into the Oval Office. Here’s to Cheney/Palin ‘12!
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That’s okay. As soon as Congress gets done with health care they will move to energy and the Republicans will find a whole new crew of lobbyists eager to pour money into their pockets. Life is good in the NO lane.