Dear Larry,
Because I lack the typesetting skills of Arnold Schwarzenegger, let me start off by saying this:
Fuck you.
Perhaps I should elaborate on that.
Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on.
I’m sorry, I don’t think I am being very constructive. Let me rephrase.
Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on, and the stable boy who groomed him.
Yes, I think that was a little clearer.
Then again from all those rumors I hear, you might like to fuck a stable boy.
What the hell is wrong with you, Larry? With all the resources at your disposal, including the nearly infinite wealth of the Mormon Church–which not only has vast terrestrial holdings, but also sizeable accounts on the planet Kolob—you couldn’t manage to pull off a simple victory defeating Everything but Marriage in Washington.
I mean even Maggie Gallagher was able to pull off a squeaker in Maine against gay marriage, and let’s face it, she isn’t exactly the face of heterosexuality. If that bull dyke could deliver a win, someone as butch as you should have had no problem.
Then again, if the rumors are true, your whole “butch” persona is just for show—butch in the streets, fem in the sheets.
Couldn’t you have done a better job lying to the people of King County to get those coffee drinking addicts to vote against the gay? Get a little creative, for God’s sake. You could’ve said if the gays can get everything but married, they will ban caffeine or something. That would’ve gotten all those Starbucks liberals stirred up.
Did you even watch any of the commercials your friends were putting on in Maine? Those guys were a class act. I mean the shit they were making up was just precious. Your children will be forced to learn about gay sex. Churches will have to recognize homosexual marriage. Old people will put on assless leather chaps and walk around town with giant dildos, whips, and chains.
OK, I made that last one up, but it sounded pretty good, right? It was just an example to show you what you could have done. It didn’t matter if any of it was true. It just had to scare the shit out of the old and the stupid. And let’s face it, nothing we said will ever happen anyway, we all know that. Nothing changed in Massachusetts when the ‘mos got hitched. In fact, I was there last week, and it is downright lovely. People are friendly, hard-working, and all-around good. Gay marriage didn’t change one thing for anyone except gay people who wanted to get married.
But we all know fear is the only thing that sells, and that what we need to say to win need have nothing to do with reality. And you just weren’t up to the task of scaring people to death of the gay, now were you, Larry? All you managed to do was get a lot of people upset, drag some old folks out into the rain to cast a useless vote, and in the end the gays are going to live their lives with dignity and rights.
You stupid cock sucker!
Yes, literally a sucker of cocks, if all those rumors are true.
You could’ve made up anything. I mean if that carpet munching lez Gallagher was able to come up with lies like kindergarteners will be forced to learn about gay sex if gay marriage is legal, you could have at least matched this whopper with one of your own, like if you allow everything but marriage for gays, then pantless midget homos dressed as the Nazi SS in crotchless panties will goose step into your children’s daycare and wave their genitals in their faces and cum all over a stack of Bibles like a satanic bukake movie.
Well, all I can say is I hope you are happy with what you have done, or more importantly what you have not done. You thought you were harassed before? Well, even though a bunch of homos can be deadly at a Macy’s One Day Only Sale, Hell knows no wrath like a teabagger scorned. If I were you I would change your name and move across the border to Vancouver where it might be safe. There is no room left for you in the post 23rd New York Congressional District Republican Party, where even birthers are seen as too liberal. You are persona non grata. You are nothing. You are a smegma stain on the sheets of a $20 hooker.
Get out of my party. Get out of my country.
In conclusion, fuck you, asshole. Have a nice life.
Yours,
Blanca DeBree
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