A new bill making its way through several committees in Congress would do among other things make practically all abortion illegal. The Santorum Birthing Bill, named for the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum who knows a thing or two about passing around a dead baby, would also end all government subsidies such as WIC, food stamps, and SCHIPS.
Republicans are on board not only because it would end abortion, which they see as an anathema, but it would also reduce federal spending and cut the deficit by ending what Repulicans see as government handouts. But Republicans are not the only ones behind this bill.
The bill enjoys broad bipartisan support, including many Democrats, mainly due to a provision, which would force anyone anti abortion to adopt the unwanted children being brought to term. When asked how the government would determine who was anti abortion, a Senator, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they would simply use the donation rolls of the RNC for the past twelve years. The nameless Senator then suggested they could use Nielsen information and mailing rosters from the Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh shows to complete the list.
In a surprising move, most religious institutions appear to be poised to reverse decades-old opposition of abortion in favor of abortion on demand, up to and including not on the third trimester, but also just minutes before birth. This new so-called Anything But Birth Abortion, abbreviated ABBA because of certain Senators’ fondness of Mamma Mia!, would allow women to walk into any hospital, fire house, police station, or Chuck E. Cheese and get an abortion with no questions asked.
When pressed to provide a rational for this radical shift from pro-life to pro-get-it-out-of-me-for-Christ’s-sake, Pastor Rick Warren explained that his mega church was already $900,000 in debt due to the recession. “If Republicans are forced to start raising multiple unwanted children, they would have less money to spend on churches, and I might have to actually get a real job and work for a living,” Pastor Warren exclaimed with tears running down his cheeks.
When asked for an official statement from the Holy See, Pope Benedict, aka Hitlerjugend Ratzinger, said the Catholic Church’s position had not changed. They would not support such a heinous bill, and would instruct priests across the United States to deny sacraments to any politician voting for this abomination.
When asked which bill he considered an abomination His Holiness simply replied “the one that’s cutting off my gravy train, bitch.” He then turned and sauntered away in his fabulous Prada loafers.
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