Blanca DeBree Blog

Dear Rush,

I may call you Rush, right?  I mean I don’t have to call you His Holiness or curtsy or genuflect or anything like that, right?  I mean standing in your shadow is just awe inspiring.  Actually, it’s a little scary.  I mean it’s just like a total eclipse of the sun.  It’s dark everywhere.  I am truly frightened that you have eaten the fire ball in the sky and it will never return.  Being Republican, I have to rely on superstition, because we don’t believe in science, now do we?

I was very happy to hear that you got a clean bill of health in the hospital and that there is nothing wrong with your heart.  When I first heard the news I immediately let out a sigh of relief, as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my chest.  It was almost as if you were straddling my chest.  But that would be silly now, wouldn’t it?  I mean it’s not like I am some 13-year-old Dominican boy, am I?

I only have one question for your doctors:  whose heart did they steal to put into you so they could say there was nothing wrong with your heart?  I am not pointing fingers, but this is beginning to sound a bit like those urban legends where the guy wakes up in the bathtub filled with ice to discover he is missing a kidney.  But hey, what is a little white slavery and organ theft between friends?

When it seemed you had left this world, it created an enormous void.  In fact, the void created by the lack of your enormity tore a hole in the space-time-continuum, temporarily altering the orbit of earth.  Because you were perceived as dead, days will now be one half second longer.  It will take scientists years to recover.  It’s a good thing we don’t give a shit about scientists, being Republican and all.

And the hateful speech coming from the left during our time of need was just shameful.  They said things like you were dead or that your were dying or that you were gravely ill.  How hateful.  You would never hear any of us on the right making fun of say some Senator dying of brain cancer, a 9/11 widow, or an actor with a terrible degenerative disease.  We have too much class for that!

I owe everything I am to you.  Everything I learned, I learned from you.  For instance, I learned how low taxes and fiscal responsibility will grow the economy.  I also learned that a strong military keeps America safe.  And, unfortunately, I learned the real meaning of tea bagging this year, thanks to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the brothers of Kappa Alpha Psi.  It took a week to get the taste of black balls out of my mouth.  But look who I’m talking to.  You know how hard it is to get the taste of boy balls out of your mouth, don’t you?

But I am happy you are alive and well and will be returning to the microphone as soon as you can resist the urge to give it a blow job.  I find covering the microphone with Bengay works best.  Then again, with a name like BanGAY, we might never be able to get your lips off that thing.  Well, see if you can use some self restraint and control.  Oh, look who I’m talking too, again.  Your idea of restraint is smoking eight cigars and eating a leg of ham in one sitting.  Too many fat jokes?  Just one more, I promise.  Your ass is so big it has its own zip code.  Sorry, I wasn’t even trying with that last one.

So in conclusion, happy to see you aren’t dead, got a good heart, yada yada yada.  Please don’t scare us again like that.  Losing you was not the worst of this nightmare.  If you had died in the same hospital where Barack Obama was born, no one would ever believe your death certificate.  Before long Orly Taitz would be hocking fake death certificates showing you had died in Kenya or something.  You have to take care of yourself.  None of us can take another scare like this again.  You need to see a doctor regularly, and get that weight under control.  Make an appointment with a doctor today.  The life you save may be your own.

I hear Dr. Kevorkian has weekend hours now.

Sincerely,

Blanca

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Posted 02 Jan 2010 by blancadebree in News, Right