Blanca is tempting fate by commenting on the most recent South Park episode, where the Colorado boys comment on the Prophet Mohammed.

Being a Republican, I believe in the sanctity of religion, as long as it is one of the normal religions, like Evangelicals or Snake Handlers.  Anything else is suspect, and deserving of ridicule.

Blanca has been at the bottom of the heap traffic wise for some time.  Now normally I like being at the bottom of the heap, but only if the heap is a pile of professional basketball players or the road cast of Spring Awakening, but this is ridiculous.

And then it hit me right between the eyes like a pair of balls on a frat boy at an-night kegger.  If the creators of South Park can get a fake fatwa placed on their head for insulting the Prophet Mohammad, then Blanca might be able to generate some serious traffic by defiling the guy after whom half the Muslim world is named, but if you name a teddy bear after you get your ass thrown in jail.

I’ve thought long and hard about how I could most effectively insult the head honcho of one of the world’s largest fake religions right behind Scientology and Baptists.  My first notion was to use Photoshop to create a picture of the Prophet Mohammed fucking Bill Donohue up the ass.  But then I thought it might be too cruel to force PM to do to Donohue what he’s been doing to little boys all these years.  You can just smell the libel.

Next I pondered getting a giant cardboard standee made of the Big Guy and taking him around various pork BBQ joints in the South.  I could smear his face with pulled pork, dangle a couple of sausage links over his head, and then french kiss his picture while squatting over a Koran.  But then I thought that might be taking it a bit too far.  After all, my doctor recommends I cut down on salty fatty foods.

But in the end I settled on the tried and true mental image created by saying increasingly insulting things about the make believe head of a make believe religion practiced by a billion people who have some serious issues with personal hygiene.

You see, getting a fatwa is serious business.  Look at Salman Rushdie.  He wrote one mediocre book about something no one cared, and suddenly he was in hiding for his life because some bearded dude in Iran got his knickers in a bunch over some book.  Some third-rate cartoonist in Denmark scribbles some crap on a napkin in 2005, and suddenly the whole Muslim world is in a tizzy about a country most of them couldn’t find on a map.  Hint:  it’s above Germany and below Sweden.

But many right wingers in this country freely defied the fatwas and death threats and republished the cartoons on their own websites without any threats or harassment, which is why getting a fatwa is an art.

And who came up with the name fatwa, anyway?  It sounds like the sister of Farina from Our Gang.

Of course the more astute of you–and by that I mean the guys sitting in their underwear at home masturbating to Internet porn, who happen upon my site because you were looking for naked pictures of Wil Wheaton, Fran Drescher, or have an insatiable need to see Ping Pong Pussy–might surmise that this is all one big racket ginned up by the same guys who like to sell us oil and fly planes into our buildings.  And you might be right.

Fox News has insulted Muslims for years.  I’m surprised their logo isn’t of some guy in a turban sucking off a camel.  Oh, wait, I think that one is copyrighted by the folks over at R. J. Reynolds.  But no one over at Rupert Murdoch’s Wonder Masturbatoreum ever gets a fatwa.  Could it be because one of the biggest investors in Newscorp is a radical Saudi?

Yes, it appears that for most right wingers, insulting Islam and the big Prophet is just par for the course, and yet no one seems to ever get a fatwa.  But a couple of stoned cartoonists who have a bad animation series about some foul-mouthed brats from Colorado get a bunch of cross-dressing imams panties twisted all in knots.

I smell conspiracy here, folks.

But getting back to the original premise of this post:  a fatwa.  If I ever have hopes of getting a fatwa–and some much-deserved traffic from said fatwa–I need to really insult Mohammed but at the same time denounce conservatives and call myself a liberal, because it seems the bearded loon patrol only go after the lefties who insult their make believe belief system.

So for this time only, let me say that I am totally gay for Barack Obama.  He’s the bees knees.  He’s the greatest thing since Jesus.  I hope he continues the whole socialist/communist/fascist/Nazi/whatever-Glenn-Beck-calls-it thing.  For this post only, I am a Hollywood Liberal Elitist.

So, now that we have that out of the way, picture it a la Sophia Petrillo, the Prophet Mohammed riding a pig naked down a public street, while men and women wave their genitalia in his face as the theme to Sex in the City plays over loudspeakers in the town square as gay men make out and get all gay married and adopt children and host cooking shows where their guest Ellen DeGeneres pushes her radical lesbian agenda of equal rights for women.

Now if that doesn’t get me a fatwa, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and sorry for no picture, but I don’t own a copy of Photoshop, and I couldn’t find any nude pictures of Bill Donohue to shop together with a picture of Mohammed.

I lie.  I have thousands of nude pictures of Bill Donohue.  You can too, if you play Chatroulette.  If you stay on long enough you’ll come across him masturbating with one hand and making a Sign of the Cross with the other.