He negotiated a treaty with the Russians, reducing our nuclear arsenal by a third and professing his desire to destroy all nuclear weapons.

He presided over the largest tax increase in history.

He bailed out a car company.

He appointed a person to the Supreme Court just because she was a woman.

He cut and ran from terrorists, leaving the battlefield instead of staying and fighting.

He exploded the budget and created enormous deficits.

He negotiated with terrorists.

Under his stewardship the economy saw double-digit unemployment and a crash in the stock market.

This is the worst President in history.

Call the lamestream media, and demand that they expose this leftist Communist for who he is and demand that he be exposed, investigated, and impeached.

Tell them you want to impeach Ronald Reagan!

Let me tell you a little story. Years ago, when the Nazis were making their way across Europe, giving people healthcare and providing low cost student loans, they created a color coding system to identify those misfits they no longer wanted in their society. They assigned Jews yellow stars, homosexuals pink triangles, and Communists red triangles. There were a lot of other colors and designations, but I have found that most Teatards can’t keep more than three objects in their short term memory at any given time. Of course, most of the Teatards are old as dirt and no longer have short term memory, but that is beside the point.

And don’t get on my case about the whole Teatard thing. It is a term of endearment, like when Sarah Palin calls Trig her little sack of potatoes. But I digress.

In this analogy, the Nazis are Barack Obama and his evil administration. Sure, other times he is the Communist, but that wouldn’t work for today’s narrative. No, for today only, and whenever we have a Sharpie available and want to draw a Hitler mustache on the Commander-in-Chief, Obama is a Nazi.

So there were the Nazis, rounding up undesirables and putting them in concentration camps, and committing the worst atrocities known to man. They were rounding up innocent Jews, and…wait a second, I don’t like the way this analogy is going. Sure, the Jews were innocent, I mean as long as we are not bringing up how they killed our Lord Jesus and all, but the homos and Commies? I don’t think they were innocent. Well, for today only, they were innocent. OK, not for all of today, just for this paragraph. I mean, how can I complete my nonsensical rant unless I can demonize Communists, I mean Nazis, I mean, oh, hell, I don’t know what I mean?

I’m sorry for the rambling. I went off my meds this morning so I could write more like Glenn Beck. Now what was I talking about?

Oh, yes. Why is it that flashers are always fat and middle aged? I mean I wouldn’t mind having some hot young horse-hung stud flash me his goods. If any of the guys from Twilight were to show me their bait and tackle, I wouldn’t mind. But no, it is always some fat guy with really bad BO, and a roll of fat so big, you can’t even see his dingaling.

My, that is a pretty color.

So anyway, there was Obama-cum-Nazi, killing Communists. Wait, strike that. Obama is a Communist. Let me just get the eraser. Damn, I wish I had a blackboard.

But getting back to the red triangle as the symbol of the Communists, do you know whose corporate logo is now a red triangle? Let me give you a hint. This is where I lean in and talk real soft for the camera, before losing my marbles and ranting about transvestites and Mexicans.

It’s Delta Airlines.

Now sure, some say that the red triangle is an homage to Northwest, which was merged with Delta this year. Others may say that it is a symbol of their heritage, when Delta founded as a crop dusting company the Mississippi Delta. But some say that it means that Delta is a Communist Airline.

Lets just look at the parallels, shall we? This is where the blackboard would really come in handy as I draw lines connecting the imaginary dots, which exist only is my imagination and the drug-addled brain of Glenn Beck.

Did I mention he’s a Mormon? I think they worship the Devil. Damn, I miss my meds.

Delta is headquartered in Georgia. Georgia is state of the former Soviet Union.

Delta’s biggest hub is in Atlanta. Jimmy Carter’s Presidential Library is in Atlanta. Jimmy Carter is a Communist. In case you didn’t get the inference. Look it up, it’s a word.

Delta Airlines flies Airbus airplanes. Airbus is in France. France is Communist. Look, if I have to do all the heavy lifting here, this is going to take all day.

The former CEO of Northwest (now a part of Delta) was Douglas Steenland. He is bald and has a goatee. Lenin was bald and had a goatee. No not that Lenin. The other Lenin. You know what, I don’t think you are getting this.

Finally, Delta has five letters in its name. There are five points on a pentagram. Pentagrams are a sign of the Devil. And the Devil is…you know what, that one doesn’t work, but I’m keeping it, because anytime you can raise the specter of Beelzebub, you have a winning argument. Or at least you can scare the piss out of someone, which also is good.

So in conclusion, Delta Airlines is Communist. If you fly Delta, then you are supporting Obamacare, which means you want to euthanize grandma, which makes you worse than Hitler or Mao or whoever it is we are using this week.

Now here’s the part where I get choked up, my voice starts cracking, and I cry a bit. To wipe my tears, I get one of my extra large granny panties out of my pocket. This brings in all kinds of demographics. It brings in the horny and lonely 45-70 male demographic. It also brings in the used panties fetish crowd. And it draws in that most important and elusive group:  Ashton Kutchner.

And this is the end, where I put my hand in my pockets or behind my back and gesture with the other one as if I have just made a cogent argument, instead of a drug-induced rant about shit I don’t even understand. I then walk off stage while the camera tries to find something on the blackboard, which makes sense, on which it can focus for the dissolve.

And I go into my dressing room and do lines of coke off of the naked stomach of an underage prostitute.

Yeah, life is good.

And Delta is Communist. Delta bad.

Many Republicans are quietly behind the President in this scheme to quash true conservatives.  Republicans have become intrenched in the two-party system, and have a vested interest in keeping true conservatives voting for them.  As evident by their attempts to co-opt the Tea Parties for the past year to voting for them, they have been using their vast funds not just for strippers and lesbians, but also to prop up their own tired candidates like John McCain, Olympia Snowe, and Susan Collins.

This scheme to use the elections to find conservatives has been developed in liberal labs across the country.  Evidence has surfaced that several lines of computer code have been quietly added to the software on touch screen voting machines.  This new software permits the computer to read the finger prints of anyone voting on that machine, and will be stored in a database along with the vote the person casts.

Several anonymous sources have also indicated that “routine maintenance” on optical scanning machines was a ruse to replace the traditional scanner bar with a highly modified wand, which can also read finger prints left behind on ballots.

Randy Craig, a computer forensic scientist and conservative blogger, says that anyone thinking they can fool the scanners by wearing gloves is in for a terrible surprise this November.  Poll workers have been instructed to confiscate all gloves under the guise of national security this fall.  Anyone entering a polling place, will be asked to remove gloves, and those who do not, will have the gloves forcibly removed.  Those resisting will be arrested.

Voters attempting to bypass the finger print scanning by using absentee ballots are also in for an unpleasant surprise in the form of FEMA police knocking on their front door.  Craig states that databases already exist with over 95% of the populations DNA and finger prints on file.  “Shows like CSI are pure fact,” Mr. Craig says.  “In minutes I can find the identity of anyone based on a finger print or DNA from saliva on an envelope.”  It is far easier to track absentee ballots to their owners, since the external envelopes must be filled out with identifying information, such as party affiliation, name, and address.

Craig, along with many other prominent conservative bloggers, urge voters to skip the 2010 elections, just like they have skipped the 2010 Census.  “Don’t give Obama any more information than he needs to put us in the cattle cars and ovens,” Craig proclaims.

The fact that many Republicans are secretly assisting Obama in this effort is very disturbing.  Republicans don’t want third party candidates, which may cost them seats.  “Seats translate into money, and money translates into hookers, strippers, and drugs,” says Alfred Abermar, a noted Tea Party activist.

Anyone who wants to remain free after November, should avoid voting all together.  If you love your family and your children, you will take them on vacation in November and forget about regime change.  Experts believe that sitting out this one election may not be enough.  It may take two or three cycles of depressed voting to finally turn the country against Obama and the Democrats so that the tidal wave of public anger cannot be quelled with FEMA cops.  Mutiny will grow within the ranks, until the police sent to round up conservatives turn on the Democrats and we finally have the revolution we have all waited for.

Later that year, Hope gave me a button which read “Since I Gave Up Hope, I Feel Much Better.”

Hope returned to Democrat circles this week as Barack Obama laid into Republican plans of mice, men, and brain dead moose killers, to put an end to all things healthcare. As the professor took the uneducated to school, the scowls on the faces of Boehner, Cantor, and McConnell made the audience look like a KKK meeting, which had just been crashed by a negro.

And in many ways, it was.

The mantra from Republican circles for the past year has been that Americans don’t want healthcare reform.  Or at least they don’t want the healthcare reform put forth by the Democrats and President Obama.  No, indeed, they want to approach the problem of healthcare from a Republican perspective, by touting the free market and having the industry police itself, to provide cheaper, better healthcare solutions.

You know, the same shit we have right now, which has given us the best healthcare in the world, right behind Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Denmark, Chile, Australia, Finland, Canada, Morocco, Israel, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Germany, Cyprus, Sweden, Columbia, Belgium, Switzerland, Ireland, United Kingdom, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Iceland, Monaco, Portugal, Norway, Japan, Austria, Oman, Spain, Singapore, Malta, Andorra, San Marino, Italy, and France.

Oh, come on, you have got to be kidding me.  Some of those aren’t even countries.  They’re more like fly specks on the map.  And some of those countries will let you die, because you’re a chick, and Allah doesn’t want a male doctor touching your hoo ha.

So after a seven-hour session, during which the President spanked the Republicans more than in a Japanese fetish video, Mr. Obama concluded that there was no bridging the divide between Democrats and Republicans on healthcare, and that the majority will proceed using all tools at their disposal.

To this, Lamar Alexander stated that ramming healthcare through the Senate using Reconciliation with no Republican support would be a political kamikaze mission.

Of course, Senator Alexander is correct.  It will be political suicide to pass healthcare reform without a single Republican vote.  It will result in huge losses for the party come November.  The only problem is that the party, which will lose, will be the Republicans.

Republicans know that if they cannot outright defeat this bill, they will end up supporting it in the end.

Just this month, five Republicans joined the Democrats to end cloture to pass a jobs bill in the Senate.

After stalling and stonewalling in 1965, Medicare passed with 13 Republican votes.

And after it becomes inevitable, Republicans will vote to support healthcare reform, because they will not be able to survive history or their constituents if they resist.

The three New England GOP Senators will vote to support healthcare, when the time comes.  Although Massachusetts already has better healthcare than this bill will provide, Scott Brown will end up voting for it, because he needs to show that not only his engorged johnson is purple.  Senators from very poor states, which will benefit strongly from healthcare, will also end up voting for it, lest they be ridden out of town on a rail followed by an angry torch-wielding mob.

So for all those who voted for Change and gave up Hope, Hope is alive and well.  Healthcare reform is nearing an end, and will pass.  Those of us who hoped to make this Obama’s Waterloo, are now feeling stupid, not only because we have no idea what the fuck a Waterloo is–other than a faggy song our closeted members of Congress groove to while doing meth with a male prostitute–but because we chose the wrong thing to oppose to bring down Obama.

We should have chosen something more popular, something everyone in the nation could get behind, something, which would define not only the Republican Party but also the Tea Party.

Like repealing the Thirteenth Amendment.

Andy Martin used a radio spot recently to accuse his opponent, Mark Kirk, of both being and surrounding himself with homosexuals.  Both GOP men are vying for the coveted Illinois Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, when the Kenyan-born socialist became President by stealing the election by cleverly getting more votes than an old man close to death an a moose hunter close to intelligence.

The seat currently held by Roland Burris, who was appointed to succeed Obama by then-governor Rod Blagojevich, will not seek re-election–a common practice among appointed Senators.

Martin, a noted expert on homosexuality, used his commercial spots to have Lake County Illinois Republican leader Ray True further the rumor of Kirk’s homosexuality by stating “Kirk has surrounded himself with homosexuals” and that “Mark Kirk should tell Republican voters the truth.”

With a name like True, how can his accusations be false?

Recently the Republican Party of Illinois, also known as one of the smallest clubs in the world next to the Massachusetts Republican Caucus and the Hawaiian Republican Party, put out a disclaimer condemning the rumor that Kirk is a homosexual.

The Illinois Republican Party disavows the statements made today by Mr. Andrew Martin in his statewide radio advertisements. His statements today are consistent with his history of bizarre behavior and often times hate-filled speech which has no place in the Illinois Republican Party. Mr. Martin will no longer be recognized as a legitimate Republican Candidate by the Illinois Republican Party.

In addition, it has been brought to our attention that Mr. Martin’s sources are now denying any such statements or allegations. According to Raymond True, a leader of the Republican Party in Lake County:

“Mr. Martin did not contact me in any way before making his announcement. The comments attributed to me are completely false. I request through the media that Andy Martin cease and desist from making any additional statements that are incorrectly attributed to me.”

Although this statement appears to have dispelled the rumors that Kirk is a homosexual, both Martin and the Illinois Republican Party are strangely silent on the accusations that Martin is a child rapist and Wiccan Priest.

In a strategy reminiscent of the one dealing with allegations that Glenn Beck raped a murdered a girl, Martin appears to be refusing to acknowledge these rumors, in an attempt to discredit them by remaining Stumm.  Sources close to the rumor have stated that this tactic is likely to backfire as more and more question arise as to whether Martin is a child rapist and Wiccan Priest, and why he refuses to deny his child raping and Wiccan Priestiness.

Time will tell whether this is a smart move, but politics aside, Andy Martin owes it to the voters, children, and Wiccans of Illinois to either confirm or deny the rumors that he is a child rapist and Wiccan Priest.

While political pundits and analysts believe the Republicans lost an historically Republican district because of internal fissures within the party–pitting conservatives against moderates–Republican insiders believe they lost the seat to a Democrat because their candidate wasn’t seen as conservative enough.

In an interview with ABC News, Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele said the GOP had lost the New York district because the third party candidate Doug Hoffman was not a true conservative. He offered as evidence of his liberal values that Hoffman did not believe in rounding up homosexuals and putting them in detention camps, which ultimately cost him the race. Steele also said Hoffman still believed enough in science to not question gravity or a sun-centric solar system, which made conservatives distrust him as they read tea leaves and chicken innards to divine the future. Finally Steele said Hoffman also did not believe in nuking every other country on earth, which made him seem like a liberal pansy and soft on defense.

Steele suggested the party might look at alternatives for the 2010 mid-term elections to ensure that every candidate had as pure a conservative pedigree as possible. When asked to elaborate, Steele attempted to hold his cards to his vest, but then coyly smiled and gave a glimpse at the 2010 strategy.

“Clones,” Steele said with his trademark toothy grin. “We will create an army of clones, which will run in every race from Maine to California, winning every possible seat.”

When asked after whom these clones would be created Mr. Steele just laughed and said “Limbaugh and Palin, baby!” At which point he broke into an impromptu rap about sending his clone army to fight the Sith and their Dark Master, Emperor Obama.

The interviewer asked the Chairman if creating clones wasn’t somewhat unethical, considering the GOP’s previous stance against stem cell research. Steele replied “you gotta’ break some eggs to make an omlet, baby, even if those eggs are human!” Steele then started to break dance on the set, at which point the interview as concluded.

Time will tell whether an army of Palin and Limbaugh clones will be able to save the Republican Party. But one thing is certain, unless the party platform is reinforced, most of the Limbaughs will fall through from their enormous collective weight. In addition, all future Republican strategy memos will have to be written in crayon and illustrated with many pretty pictures if the party hopes of communicating with an army of Palins.

“The Everything but Marriage referendum in Washington basically accomplished the same thing Proposition 1 successfully overturned,” Wagner said.  “It is obvious that the nation is not ready for gay marriage at the polls, but it is ready for Everything but Marriage, which explains our new strategy.

“In the coming months we will shift our focus away from ‘marriage’ and concentrate instead on electing Republican candidates in the mid-term elections next year.

“Gay marriage has lost in 31 of 31 ballot initiatives across the country, garnering the greatest support from rural, elderly, and minority voters.  By electing Republicans to majorities in both houses of Congress, we will begin to directly address this fundamental problem in our gay marriage strategy.

“After Republicans dismantle Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, welfare, food stamps, unemployment benefits, WIC, and SCHIPS, those people who have been the most ardent opponents of gay marriage will quickly die and will come off the voters roles in most states, except Illinois where the dead have been legally able to vote since the 19th century.”

When someone pointed out that Republicans will only dismantle whatever civil rights gays have fought for and will become difficult to unseat once entrenched in Congress, Mr. Wagner replied “but that’s the beauty of the plan.  Once old people and hicks are dead, the Republican base will vanish, and we will be able to elect Democrats into majorities again.”

When someone else pointed out that minorities were big Democratic supporters Wagner simply shouted “!Viva Bush!”

It remains to be seen if this new strategy will pay off.  When asked to comment on the new strategy, Minority Leader John Boner welcomed gays into the fold, stating it will make it easier for Republican Senators and Representatives to have gay sex without having to frequent airport washrooms and harass underage congressional pages.

Senator Vitter then asked if diapers were a gay fetish.

Except this year a little treachery by our Kenyan-born President has resulted in a terrible quandary in a part of New York where various fauna far outnumber the local populace.  The 23rd Congressional District used to be home to moderate Republican John M. McHugh, before Barack “Commie” Obama appointed him as Secretary of the Army.  Suddenly a district was in play, which had been held by a Republican since 1993.  For 16 years the seat had been held by two moderate Republicans.  Before that, it was held by Democrats dating back to 1979.

But this year, the moderate in the race, the Republican, Dierdre “Dede” Scozzafava, was forced to suspend her campaign when the Party abandoned her for a much more conservative Doug Hoffman.  A seat which was almost guaranteed to go to either a Republican or a Conservative party candidate, now appears to be in more jeopardy than ever.

No matter how this comes down, it spells trouble for the Party.

If the Democrat Bill Owens win, it will show that the conservative wing of the party does not have enough staying power to carry the day, and a horrific power struggle will begin to rip the party apart.  On the other hand, if the Conservative Doug Hoffman wins, it will prove that Conservatives have enough staying power to carry the day, and a horrific power struggle will begin to rip the party apart.

More important is how the results of this one election will portend for the 2010 mid-term elections.  If Owens wins, the Republican party will be tempted to run more liberal candidates, forcing more conservatives to run as third party candidates, splitting the vote, and leading to more Democratic victories.  If Hoffman wins, the Republican party will be tempted to run more conservative candidates, forcing more moderates to run as third party candidates, splitting the vote, and leading to more Democratic victories.

Party unity is dying faster than a Levi Johnston erection when faced with the prospect that a bunch of homos are planning to buy the December issue of Playgirl to ogle at his member.

Next Tuesday will be Judgment Day.  No matter what happens Republicans are screwed.  The real winner this week will not be some schmuck from upstate New York, or the political pundits, or even the party.  The real winner will either be Sarah Palin, for backing Hoffman, or Newt Gingrich for backing Scozzafava.

It looks like it is going to be fun watching the fallout.

If I weren’t a Republican and crying in my martini.

Rush blamed the entire fiasco on the liberal media, which is trying to keep him down and from becoming all mainstream. Of course if he had gotten to own the St. Louis Rams and become mainstream, then he would have to beat himself up on the air all day long, because he would be part of the mainstream media, which he decries so often.

Rush then went on a rant calling the NFL a liberal racist organization.  Later sources close to Rush explained that he chose his words poorly.  What Limbaugh really wanted to say was that the NFL was a homo gay organization where naked black and white men shower together, getting their hot rippled muscled bodies all soapy and sexy.

Rush Limbaugh then booked a flight to Costa Rica where he plans to spend some quality time with a twelve-year-old boy.

So I guess it was a good this for Rush that he is forced to broadcast on a mere 700 radio stations, and live in a paltry mansion in Palm Beach, and subside on just $400 million dollars.

Wow, being a white guy in this country is so damn hard!

The real danger of this case is not the one liberals fear.  The real danger is the precedence this law will make against states’ rights.  If the Supreme Court finds that the Chicago ban is unconstitutional, it won’t be long before someone uses the logic that if the second amendment trumps local and state laws, then the fourteenth amendment does the same.  It will be Loving vs. Virginia all over again.

But this time it won’t be white people marrying pigmentally-challenged folk.  It will be guys marrying guys.

The Supreme Court should think long and hard before they overturn the Chicago ban.  If they rule that states’ rights are no longer divine, all hell will break loose as gay people get married, start filing joint taxes, go to condo board meetings, and become fully integrated into society, enjoying the full benefits and responsibility of American citizenship.

Wouldn’t that be a pisser?