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³⁵And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

But lost in the cacophony of well wishers and benefactors were the lone voices of the Religious Right and Republican Party, as their spokespersons Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh put a human face on the tragedy–albeit crazy, bug-eyed and grotesquely obese faces. Uncle Chuckles, the man to whom God turns when He wants to have a public relations nightmare, laid the blame for this disaster squarely at the feet of the devil-worshipping Haitians for their pact with the Devil to rid their island of the French in the 19th century.

Not to be outdone, Rush “I’m Still Not Dead, no Matter what Blanca DeBree and Wikipedia Say” Limbaugh said that Barack Obama was only rushing to the aid of Haiti because it was an island full of blacks. And when pondering if a fat $400 million-earning child rapist should donate any money to the poorest nation this side of Africa, the human Macy’s Day Parade Balloon said that he already paid his taxes, and that was what government was for.  What a socialist fuck.

The prayer lines have been jammed ever since Robertson claimed to be God’s seismologist. Indeed, CBN has not seen this much traffic since the laughing prophet claimed Katrina was God’s wrath for the sins of New Orleans. The meteorologist to Jesus knew all weather comes as vengeance from God. Strangely Pat “My Milkshake’s Better than Yours” Robertson was silent when hurricanes hit Jesus-fearing states like Texas, South Carolina, and Florida. As the ungayest places on earth saw category four and five storms hit their shores, Robertson was too busy counting his millions to be bothered by irony.

Limbaugh, on the other hand, couldn’t use the tragedy to his benefit fast enough. Taking a break from using the word “Negro,” Limbaugh tried to prove once again he was not a racist by saying the most racist things since Strom Thurmond confessed the “Pecker Shows No Bigotry.”  After offending an entirely new country with his drug-addled thoughts, Limbaugh proceeded to feast upon an unborn fetus as part of his ongoing fetal stem cell therapy to treat his lack of a human soul.

I urge all my readers to call CBN to show their support for Father Robertson. Be sure to ask for a prayer so that Robertson lives an extra long time so we are assured of his wise words for years to come. Anyway, I am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t want him. And why rush the old man to his appointment with the Devil and his anal cattle prod eternal torture?

And as for Rush, please give him a call this week, and let him know how you approve of his using the death of hundreds of thousands to inflate his ego like a cheap Chinese lead-laden penis pump. Since Florida has a large Haitian community, maybe they could go over to his house in the Sunshine “It Does Not Look LIke a Penis” State and show their love for the man. Since Rush is fond of boys from the island, you might want to bring a couple of underage Dominican males with you. Maybe as a treat, they could re-enact the death of Pasolini while they’re at it.

So here’s to Pat and Rush. Thanks again for making sure Born Again Christians and Republicans are always seen as assholes.

Republicans are on board not only because it would end abortion, which they see as an anathema, but it would also reduce federal spending and cut the deficit by ending what Repulicans see as government handouts.  But Republicans are not the only ones behind this bill.

The bill enjoys broad bipartisan support, including many Democrats, mainly due to a provision, which would force anyone anti abortion to adopt the unwanted children being brought to term.  When asked how the government would determine who was anti abortion, a Senator, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they would simply use the donation rolls of the RNC for the past twelve years.  The nameless Senator then suggested they could use Nielsen information and mailing rosters from the Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh shows to complete the list.

In a surprising move, most religious institutions appear to be poised to reverse decades-old opposition of abortion in favor of abortion on demand, up to and including not on the third trimester, but also just minutes before birth.  This new so-called Anything But Birth Abortion, abbreviated ABBA because of certain Senators’ fondness of Mamma Mia!, would allow women to walk into any hospital, fire house, police station, or Chuck E. Cheese and get an abortion with no questions asked.

When pressed to provide a rational for this radical shift from pro-life to pro-get-it-out-of-me-for-Christ’s-sake, Pastor Rick Warren explained that his mega church was already $900,000 in debt due to the recession.  “If Republicans are forced to start raising multiple unwanted children, they would have less money to spend on churches, and I might have to actually get a real job and work for a living,” Pastor Warren exclaimed with tears running down his cheeks.

When asked for an official statement from the Holy See, Pope Benedict, aka Hitlerjugend Ratzinger, said the Catholic Church’s position had not changed.  They would not support such a heinous bill, and would instruct priests across the United States to deny sacraments to any politician voting for this abomination.

When asked which bill he considered an abomination His Holiness simply replied “the one that’s cutting off my gravy train, bitch.”  He then turned and sauntered away in his fabulous Prada loafers.

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²Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When a man shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the LORD by thy estimation.

³And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.

⁴And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

⁵And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

⁶And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

⁷And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

Or maybe you can just go to Hell.

The caller stated that he and his Tea Party had prayed very hard, and he placed the blame for Inhofe’s death squarely on Senator Barrasso for not having prayed enough.  The caller in tears wondered how they got it so wrong.

Imprecatory prayer, a prayer which is designed to kill someone, is a very tricky prayer.  If not done correctly, it can have all sorts of unintended consequences.  Five years ago, Pat Robertson killed William Renquist, when he tried to pray for Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s death.  Payers for someone to die on American Idol have resulted to two soap operas being recently cancelled.  In World War II, prayers for Hitler’s death just made him crankier than ever.

Until the masses have been properly trained in how to ask for someone’s death, we Republicans must exercise this option very carefully.  Many Republicans are now afraid that their recent prayers for Obama’s death may result in the entire Bush and Cheney families dying in some sort of hunting or bicycling accident.  As a precaution, none of the Cheneys has been allowed anywhere near a gun, and all bicycles have been locked up and the keys hidden from the Bush clan.

A moratorium has been called for any future death prayers, unless the prayer mentions by name, social security number, address, and phone number the person wishing to be killed.  Even then, it is advised that a glossy 8 1/2 x 11″ picture be included with MapQuest directions to the subject’s domicile.  A DNA swab is also advised, although as everyone knows from CSI, this will not help in killing just one of an identical pair of twins.

As of yet, no warrant has been issued for Tom Coburn’s arrest in connection with this killing spree brought on by his reckless prayer.

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³⁶Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

³⁷Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

³⁸When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

³⁹Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

⁴⁰And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.