Coming soon…no retreat…no retirement…reload…relaunch…

Redo…

Let me start by saying that I love your products. I have never seen such a perfect marriage between form and function. The style is impeccable, and the ease of use and utility is second to none. Your products are a testament that good things can come in pretty packages.

That being said let me continue by saying fuck you and the horse you rode in on and the stable boy who groomed him and from whom you stole a liver.

Where do you get off telling me what I can and cannot do with a product I have purchased?

First you told me I couldn’t run flash apps on your iPhone, iPod, and iPad.

But as if that were not enough, you next told me I could not I could not download porn from your precious little store, pointing me instead to something called an Android for all my adult pleasures. Listen, if I wanted to get off with an Android, I’d fuck R2-D2.

But now you are telling me I cannot download apps, which ridicule a political figure. It is there, sir, I draw the line.

Voltaire said that he may not agree with what I have to say, but he would defend to the death my right to say it. Actually, Voltaire said “look at the rack on that chick,” but having said it in French, it came out sounding real perty and was confused with profundity.

I am an adult, and you have no right to tell me what I can do with my iPhone, what I can watch on my iPhone, and what I can download onto my iPhone. As long as it is not illegal, you shall not infringe upon my rights, no matter how many coy quips you make pointing me to a competitor, with an inferior product.

If I want to use a product recklessly or download dangerous content, that is my business. After all, I will become rich any day from that Nigerian prince who is going to share his inheritance with me just as soon as it is cleared through customs or some other such thing. If I want to live life on the edge, that is my affair. That is why I masturbate with firearms and drive a Toyota on Texas highways.

If I want to download an app, which makes fun of the Kenyan in the White House or shows the penises of all the single horny men in my area, that is my business as an adult, and American, and a horny fat broad.

Until you have learned your place, Mr. Jobs, you can shove your iPad where I shove my pad every month.

Until you learn your place, I will not buy anything from you: not one app, not one song, not any hardware device.

I await your apology and the restoration of my porn to the Apple Store.

Sincerely,

Blanca DeBree

The tea bagging white Volk of the state fully support the legislation. The mostly older, majority racist, and perhaps senile population, who did not see a conflict moving their brown-hating asses to a state bordering Mexico and populated by an indigenous native population and a large minority of Hispanics, welcome the opportunity to relive every bad World War II film.

The law not only permits, it compels the local authorities to demand proof of citizenship for anyone they believe “reasonable suspicion” dictates is not in this country legally. From now on, little swarthy people in the Grand Canyon State must carry identification, which conclusively proves that they are in this country legally.

Now I can hear my fellow racist, I mean Republican, I mean Tea Baggers ask what is wrong with asking people to prove they are here legally. After all, I am here legally. And you would be right.

As my puki pal, the somewhat here-illegally Michelle Malkin, would tell you, any immigrant who is here legally will proudly carry his green card, not only so he can cross the border at will, but can also get any job he wants.

Of course, once they become citizens, they tend to keep birth certificates and passports at home, in a safety deposit box, or under a pile of mattresses out back in the shed.

Sure, I can here you ask now, what about a voter’s registration card? Only citizens can get that, right? You are indeed correct.

But how many of you know that this little gem is not proof of citizenship? Just try using it to cross into Windsor to gamble, drink, and enjoy full-frontal nudity. You will soon learn that the tiny piece of paper, which permits you to vote a Kenyan out of office in 2012 is just as useless as a fact checker at Fox News.

It is just a matter of time before the police in some backwater shit hole in Arizona–is there any other kind?–round up a group of brown folk and ship them across the border, only to find out later that they are actually American citizens. And then what do you think will happen?

Strikes, protests, and some very pissed off Mexicans.

Let’s see how the fat old assholes in Flagstaff feel when they have to do their own housework. I wonder how the farmers and ranchers will react when they can’t pick their lettuce or clean up the stables. It will be a hot day in Phoenix when the early bird special at the local retirement village has to close because no one is there to cook the very same Mexican crap the old fogies complain about but shove down their gullets until they can no longer walk the ten feet back to the buffet.

This anger against illegals is just misplaced. All those little Käfer keep our society running, so when we Tea Baggers get old, we don’t have to do any work. If it weren’t for the Mexicans, and Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, we would have to get real jobs, and we wouldn’t be able to show atrocious grammar and horrendous spelling accusing the President of being a Natzie.

The irony of this law is that the Tea Baggers fully support a law, which itself is about as Nazi as you can get. If you have ever been to Germany, you know that even today an officer of the law can demand Ausweis. You must show identification, and if they don’t like what you show, you can get your ass hauled off to the local Polizeiamt. In supporting this law, we Tea Baggers have enabled the very Nazi state our overactive, undereducated imaginations see in every move of the President.

No, let’s get rid of this law and let the brown people do our work. The alternative of actual physical labor is too horrifying to contemplate.

Instead we need to get rid of all those Indians. They are the real problem.

Just ask anyone in IT.

Bieber’s songs will include Sodomy, Ain’t Got No, and Don’t Put It Down.

When asked if Bieber will participate in the nude scene at the end of Act I, his manager said “Justin is anxious to show Broadway what he’s got.”

At least one of the shows for Bieber’s run has already been sold out.  A large block of tickets was purchased by the Republican National Committee, ostensibly to be used as a fundraiser.

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³⁵And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

He negotiated a treaty with the Russians, reducing our nuclear arsenal by a third and professing his desire to destroy all nuclear weapons.

He presided over the largest tax increase in history.

He bailed out a car company.

He appointed a person to the Supreme Court just because she was a woman.

He cut and ran from terrorists, leaving the battlefield instead of staying and fighting.

He exploded the budget and created enormous deficits.

He negotiated with terrorists.

Under his stewardship the economy saw double-digit unemployment and a crash in the stock market.

This is the worst President in history.

Call the lamestream media, and demand that they expose this leftist Communist for who he is and demand that he be exposed, investigated, and impeached.

Tell them you want to impeach Ronald Reagan!

Being a Republican, I believe in the sanctity of religion, as long as it is one of the normal religions, like Evangelicals or Snake Handlers.  Anything else is suspect, and deserving of ridicule.

Blanca has been at the bottom of the heap traffic wise for some time.  Now normally I like being at the bottom of the heap, but only if the heap is a pile of professional basketball players or the road cast of Spring Awakening, but this is ridiculous.

And then it hit me right between the eyes like a pair of balls on a frat boy at an-night kegger.  If the creators of South Park can get a fake fatwa placed on their head for insulting the Prophet Mohammad, then Blanca might be able to generate some serious traffic by defiling the guy after whom half the Muslim world is named, but if you name a teddy bear after you get your ass thrown in jail.

I’ve thought long and hard about how I could most effectively insult the head honcho of one of the world’s largest fake religions right behind Scientology and Baptists.  My first notion was to use Photoshop to create a picture of the Prophet Mohammed fucking Bill Donohue up the ass.  But then I thought it might be too cruel to force PM to do to Donohue what he’s been doing to little boys all these years.  You can just smell the libel.

Next I pondered getting a giant cardboard standee made of the Big Guy and taking him around various pork BBQ joints in the South.  I could smear his face with pulled pork, dangle a couple of sausage links over his head, and then french kiss his picture while squatting over a Koran.  But then I thought that might be taking it a bit too far.  After all, my doctor recommends I cut down on salty fatty foods.

But in the end I settled on the tried and true mental image created by saying increasingly insulting things about the make believe head of a make believe religion practiced by a billion people who have some serious issues with personal hygiene.

You see, getting a fatwa is serious business.  Look at Salman Rushdie.  He wrote one mediocre book about something no one cared, and suddenly he was in hiding for his life because some bearded dude in Iran got his knickers in a bunch over some book.  Some third-rate cartoonist in Denmark scribbles some crap on a napkin in 2005, and suddenly the whole Muslim world is in a tizzy about a country most of them couldn’t find on a map.  Hint:  it’s above Germany and below Sweden.

But many right wingers in this country freely defied the fatwas and death threats and republished the cartoons on their own websites without any threats or harassment, which is why getting a fatwa is an art.

And who came up with the name fatwa, anyway?  It sounds like the sister of Farina from Our Gang.

Of course the more astute of you–and by that I mean the guys sitting in their underwear at home masturbating to Internet porn, who happen upon my site because you were looking for naked pictures of Wil Wheaton, Fran Drescher, or have an insatiable need to see Ping Pong Pussy–might surmise that this is all one big racket ginned up by the same guys who like to sell us oil and fly planes into our buildings.  And you might be right.

Fox News has insulted Muslims for years.  I’m surprised their logo isn’t of some guy in a turban sucking off a camel.  Oh, wait, I think that one is copyrighted by the folks over at R. J. Reynolds.  But no one over at Rupert Murdoch’s Wonder Masturbatoreum ever gets a fatwa.  Could it be because one of the biggest investors in Newscorp is a radical Saudi?

Yes, it appears that for most right wingers, insulting Islam and the big Prophet is just par for the course, and yet no one seems to ever get a fatwa.  But a couple of stoned cartoonists who have a bad animation series about some foul-mouthed brats from Colorado get a bunch of cross-dressing imams panties twisted all in knots.

I smell conspiracy here, folks.

But getting back to the original premise of this post:  a fatwa.  If I ever have hopes of getting a fatwa–and some much-deserved traffic from said fatwa–I need to really insult Mohammed but at the same time denounce conservatives and call myself a liberal, because it seems the bearded loon patrol only go after the lefties who insult their make believe belief system.

So for this time only, let me say that I am totally gay for Barack Obama.  He’s the bees knees.  He’s the greatest thing since Jesus.  I hope he continues the whole socialist/communist/fascist/Nazi/whatever-Glenn-Beck-calls-it thing.  For this post only, I am a Hollywood Liberal Elitist.

So, now that we have that out of the way, picture it a la Sophia Petrillo, the Prophet Mohammed riding a pig naked down a public street, while men and women wave their genitalia in his face as the theme to Sex in the City plays over loudspeakers in the town square as gay men make out and get all gay married and adopt children and host cooking shows where their guest Ellen DeGeneres pushes her radical lesbian agenda of equal rights for women.

Now if that doesn’t get me a fatwa, I don’t know what will.

Oh, and sorry for no picture, but I don’t own a copy of Photoshop, and I couldn’t find any nude pictures of Bill Donohue to shop together with a picture of Mohammed.

I lie.  I have thousands of nude pictures of Bill Donohue.  You can too, if you play Chatroulette.  If you stay on long enough you’ll come across him masturbating with one hand and making a Sign of the Cross with the other.

Unfortunately he found me something, which has nothing to do with obscenity, and everything to do with penis.  I wasted no time returning the film with a sternly written letter.

Three weeks later.

Let me tell you a little story. Years ago, when the Nazis were making their way across Europe, giving people healthcare and providing low cost student loans, they created a color coding system to identify those misfits they no longer wanted in their society. They assigned Jews yellow stars, homosexuals pink triangles, and Communists red triangles. There were a lot of other colors and designations, but I have found that most Teatards can’t keep more than three objects in their short term memory at any given time. Of course, most of the Teatards are old as dirt and no longer have short term memory, but that is beside the point.

And don’t get on my case about the whole Teatard thing. It is a term of endearment, like when Sarah Palin calls Trig her little sack of potatoes. But I digress.

In this analogy, the Nazis are Barack Obama and his evil administration. Sure, other times he is the Communist, but that wouldn’t work for today’s narrative. No, for today only, and whenever we have a Sharpie available and want to draw a Hitler mustache on the Commander-in-Chief, Obama is a Nazi.

So there were the Nazis, rounding up undesirables and putting them in concentration camps, and committing the worst atrocities known to man. They were rounding up innocent Jews, and…wait a second, I don’t like the way this analogy is going. Sure, the Jews were innocent, I mean as long as we are not bringing up how they killed our Lord Jesus and all, but the homos and Commies? I don’t think they were innocent. Well, for today only, they were innocent. OK, not for all of today, just for this paragraph. I mean, how can I complete my nonsensical rant unless I can demonize Communists, I mean Nazis, I mean, oh, hell, I don’t know what I mean?

I’m sorry for the rambling. I went off my meds this morning so I could write more like Glenn Beck. Now what was I talking about?

Oh, yes. Why is it that flashers are always fat and middle aged? I mean I wouldn’t mind having some hot young horse-hung stud flash me his goods. If any of the guys from Twilight were to show me their bait and tackle, I wouldn’t mind. But no, it is always some fat guy with really bad BO, and a roll of fat so big, you can’t even see his dingaling.

My, that is a pretty color.

So anyway, there was Obama-cum-Nazi, killing Communists. Wait, strike that. Obama is a Communist. Let me just get the eraser. Damn, I wish I had a blackboard.

But getting back to the red triangle as the symbol of the Communists, do you know whose corporate logo is now a red triangle? Let me give you a hint. This is where I lean in and talk real soft for the camera, before losing my marbles and ranting about transvestites and Mexicans.

It’s Delta Airlines.

Now sure, some say that the red triangle is an homage to Northwest, which was merged with Delta this year. Others may say that it is a symbol of their heritage, when Delta founded as a crop dusting company the Mississippi Delta. But some say that it means that Delta is a Communist Airline.

Lets just look at the parallels, shall we? This is where the blackboard would really come in handy as I draw lines connecting the imaginary dots, which exist only is my imagination and the drug-addled brain of Glenn Beck.

Did I mention he’s a Mormon? I think they worship the Devil. Damn, I miss my meds.

Delta is headquartered in Georgia. Georgia is state of the former Soviet Union.

Delta’s biggest hub is in Atlanta. Jimmy Carter’s Presidential Library is in Atlanta. Jimmy Carter is a Communist. In case you didn’t get the inference. Look it up, it’s a word.

Delta Airlines flies Airbus airplanes. Airbus is in France. France is Communist. Look, if I have to do all the heavy lifting here, this is going to take all day.

The former CEO of Northwest (now a part of Delta) was Douglas Steenland. He is bald and has a goatee. Lenin was bald and had a goatee. No not that Lenin. The other Lenin. You know what, I don’t think you are getting this.

Finally, Delta has five letters in its name. There are five points on a pentagram. Pentagrams are a sign of the Devil. And the Devil is…you know what, that one doesn’t work, but I’m keeping it, because anytime you can raise the specter of Beelzebub, you have a winning argument. Or at least you can scare the piss out of someone, which also is good.

So in conclusion, Delta Airlines is Communist. If you fly Delta, then you are supporting Obamacare, which means you want to euthanize grandma, which makes you worse than Hitler or Mao or whoever it is we are using this week.

Now here’s the part where I get choked up, my voice starts cracking, and I cry a bit. To wipe my tears, I get one of my extra large granny panties out of my pocket. This brings in all kinds of demographics. It brings in the horny and lonely 45-70 male demographic. It also brings in the used panties fetish crowd. And it draws in that most important and elusive group:  Ashton Kutchner.

And this is the end, where I put my hand in my pockets or behind my back and gesture with the other one as if I have just made a cogent argument, instead of a drug-induced rant about shit I don’t even understand. I then walk off stage while the camera tries to find something on the blackboard, which makes sense, on which it can focus for the dissolve.

And I go into my dressing room and do lines of coke off of the naked stomach of an underage prostitute.

Yeah, life is good.

And Delta is Communist. Delta bad.