Later that year, Hope gave me a button which read “Since I Gave Up Hope, I Feel Much Better.”

Hope returned to Democrat circles this week as Barack Obama laid into Republican plans of mice, men, and brain dead moose killers, to put an end to all things healthcare. As the professor took the uneducated to school, the scowls on the faces of Boehner, Cantor, and McConnell made the audience look like a KKK meeting, which had just been crashed by a negro.

And in many ways, it was.

The mantra from Republican circles for the past year has been that Americans don’t want healthcare reform.  Or at least they don’t want the healthcare reform put forth by the Democrats and President Obama.  No, indeed, they want to approach the problem of healthcare from a Republican perspective, by touting the free market and having the industry police itself, to provide cheaper, better healthcare solutions.

You know, the same shit we have right now, which has given us the best healthcare in the world, right behind Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Denmark, Chile, Australia, Finland, Canada, Morocco, Israel, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Germany, Cyprus, Sweden, Columbia, Belgium, Switzerland, Ireland, United Kingdom, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Iceland, Monaco, Portugal, Norway, Japan, Austria, Oman, Spain, Singapore, Malta, Andorra, San Marino, Italy, and France.

Oh, come on, you have got to be kidding me.  Some of those aren’t even countries.  They’re more like fly specks on the map.  And some of those countries will let you die, because you’re a chick, and Allah doesn’t want a male doctor touching your hoo ha.

So after a seven-hour session, during which the President spanked the Republicans more than in a Japanese fetish video, Mr. Obama concluded that there was no bridging the divide between Democrats and Republicans on healthcare, and that the majority will proceed using all tools at their disposal.

To this, Lamar Alexander stated that ramming healthcare through the Senate using Reconciliation with no Republican support would be a political kamikaze mission.

Of course, Senator Alexander is correct.  It will be political suicide to pass healthcare reform without a single Republican vote.  It will result in huge losses for the party come November.  The only problem is that the party, which will lose, will be the Republicans.

Republicans know that if they cannot outright defeat this bill, they will end up supporting it in the end.

Just this month, five Republicans joined the Democrats to end cloture to pass a jobs bill in the Senate.

After stalling and stonewalling in 1965, Medicare passed with 13 Republican votes.

And after it becomes inevitable, Republicans will vote to support healthcare reform, because they will not be able to survive history or their constituents if they resist.

The three New England GOP Senators will vote to support healthcare, when the time comes.  Although Massachusetts already has better healthcare than this bill will provide, Scott Brown will end up voting for it, because he needs to show that not only his engorged johnson is purple.  Senators from very poor states, which will benefit strongly from healthcare, will also end up voting for it, lest they be ridden out of town on a rail followed by an angry torch-wielding mob.

So for all those who voted for Change and gave up Hope, Hope is alive and well.  Healthcare reform is nearing an end, and will pass.  Those of us who hoped to make this Obama’s Waterloo, are now feeling stupid, not only because we have no idea what the fuck a Waterloo is–other than a faggy song our closeted members of Congress groove to while doing meth with a male prostitute–but because we chose the wrong thing to oppose to bring down Obama.

We should have chosen something more popular, something everyone in the nation could get behind, something, which would define not only the Republican Party but also the Tea Party.

Like repealing the Thirteenth Amendment.

A Brown win means the Democrats have enough political conviction now to do one of three things:

1.  The Democrats will push through health care reform before Brown can be seated

2.  The Democrats will pass health care reform using reconciliation, making it more pure and concentrated, like the tears of a virgin or the blow used by former porn stars like Brown

3.  The Democrats use the nuclear option to kill the filibuster, and force through a whole cadre of changes

Brown may have won tonight, but his win also means something more ominous for Republicans:

1.  More candidates will steer to the right this November, assuring many will lose an otherwise cake walk

2.  Democrats sensing doom will enact the majority of changes quickly in order to assure their passage

3.  Republicans will be bludgeoned to death by gay liberals across the country as they attempt to shop at Williams and Sonoma

The outlook is not good.  Winning is not everything.

Of course, the worst is that now we can no longer blame the Democrats when nothing gets accomplished.  We have the 41st vote.

Oh fuck.  Is it too late to release the full frontal shots of Brown?

Pek Pek Supot was in tears, screaming “mea culpa,” and hitting himself like a Catholic sadomasochist–look at me, pushing an oxymoron.  Actually, I think Rush Limbaugh is an oxymoron.

I asked what he could have possibly done to illicit such a guilty response.   As I cupped his little Pinoy face, Pek Pek, tears streaming down his face, said he had had sex with Scott Brown, the Republican candidate for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat.

Pek Pek began to recount the night he met Brown, moments after his Cosmo centerfold shoot.  Brown came on to Pek Pek, who at the time as a new immigrant, fresh off the boat, and not street wise.  Well, truth be told, he was a whore the minute he arrived on America’s shores.  But Brown seduced my poor little Pek Pek, and forced him into kinky sex.

When I realized the Great White Hope in Massachusetts was a flaming homo, I jumped into action.  I sat right down and began to write blog.

I urge all my Republican friends in Massachusetts tomorrow to not vote.  A vote for Scott Brown is a vote for a rabid homo.

And to all my independent friends in the Bay State, I beg you to vote for Coakley, a heterosexual who doesn’t rape my Filipino assistants.

My puki pals Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter urge you to vote for the straight gal tomorrow.

Vote Coakley.

But lost in the cacophony of well wishers and benefactors were the lone voices of the Religious Right and Republican Party, as their spokespersons Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh put a human face on the tragedy–albeit crazy, bug-eyed and grotesquely obese faces. Uncle Chuckles, the man to whom God turns when He wants to have a public relations nightmare, laid the blame for this disaster squarely at the feet of the devil-worshipping Haitians for their pact with the Devil to rid their island of the French in the 19th century.

Not to be outdone, Rush “I’m Still Not Dead, no Matter what Blanca DeBree and Wikipedia Say” Limbaugh said that Barack Obama was only rushing to the aid of Haiti because it was an island full of blacks. And when pondering if a fat $400 million-earning child rapist should donate any money to the poorest nation this side of Africa, the human Macy’s Day Parade Balloon said that he already paid his taxes, and that was what government was for.  What a socialist fuck.

The prayer lines have been jammed ever since Robertson claimed to be God’s seismologist. Indeed, CBN has not seen this much traffic since the laughing prophet claimed Katrina was God’s wrath for the sins of New Orleans. The meteorologist to Jesus knew all weather comes as vengeance from God. Strangely Pat “My Milkshake’s Better than Yours” Robertson was silent when hurricanes hit Jesus-fearing states like Texas, South Carolina, and Florida. As the ungayest places on earth saw category four and five storms hit their shores, Robertson was too busy counting his millions to be bothered by irony.

Limbaugh, on the other hand, couldn’t use the tragedy to his benefit fast enough. Taking a break from using the word “Negro,” Limbaugh tried to prove once again he was not a racist by saying the most racist things since Strom Thurmond confessed the “Pecker Shows No Bigotry.”  After offending an entirely new country with his drug-addled thoughts, Limbaugh proceeded to feast upon an unborn fetus as part of his ongoing fetal stem cell therapy to treat his lack of a human soul.

I urge all my readers to call CBN to show their support for Father Robertson. Be sure to ask for a prayer so that Robertson lives an extra long time so we are assured of his wise words for years to come. Anyway, I am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t want him. And why rush the old man to his appointment with the Devil and his anal cattle prod eternal torture?

And as for Rush, please give him a call this week, and let him know how you approve of his using the death of hundreds of thousands to inflate his ego like a cheap Chinese lead-laden penis pump. Since Florida has a large Haitian community, maybe they could go over to his house in the Sunshine “It Does Not Look LIke a Penis” State and show their love for the man. Since Rush is fond of boys from the island, you might want to bring a couple of underage Dominican males with you. Maybe as a treat, they could re-enact the death of Pasolini while they’re at it.

So here’s to Pat and Rush. Thanks again for making sure Born Again Christians and Republicans are always seen as assholes.

You disgusting psycho! Making fun of someone– anyone– who gets taken to the hospital is the mark of an extreme lowlife with no manners, no feelings and no conscience. I am talking about Rush. You obviously have more hate in your heart than any Klan member or any skinhead. Of course it is not racism, just the rantings of an obviously mentally ill lunatic speaking from an insane asylum.

BTW is that Rush’s underwear you are smelling?

Firstly, Richard, let me thank you for taking the time out of your busy day selling crap on eBay.  If you are interested in availing yourself of any of Richard’s wares, you can visit him at http://snakeandthehunterenterprises.com.  I am not sure what he is selling, but it seems there are drugs involved.

Secondly, I think you may be a bit confused about what it is I do.  You see, I am a Republican.  And as a Republican, I take a certain Schadenfreude in the misfortunes of those, with whom I may disagree.  We all do it.  It is in our DNA as Republicans.  Why else would Rush Limbaugh make fun of a dying Ted Kennedy?  Why else would Tom Coburn ask people to pray for the death of Robert Byrd?  Why else would Ann Coulter mock the 9/11 Widows, saying they enjoyed their husbands’ deaths?  Why else would Michael Savage hope a caller would get AIDS and die?  Why else would Bill O’Reilly attack the son of a victim of the World Trade Center?

It’s just who we are.  It’s how we roll.

Thirdly, I am not sure if I am smelling Rush’s underwear.  Perhaps that is the foul stench I have sensed for the past few days.  I thought it was a dead rat or some cottage cheese gone bad, but now I know.  Thank you for your olfactory assistance.

Finally, if you are going to be rude and crude, you should probably not use your actual email address, which can be traced to your telephone number, address, and snake oil company.

Like Glenn Beck, I’m just saying.

I may call you Rush, right?  I mean I don’t have to call you His Holiness or curtsy or genuflect or anything like that, right?  I mean standing in your shadow is just awe inspiring.  Actually, it’s a little scary.  I mean it’s just like a total eclipse of the sun.  It’s dark everywhere.  I am truly frightened that you have eaten the fire ball in the sky and it will never return.  Being Republican, I have to rely on superstition, because we don’t believe in science, now do we?

I was very happy to hear that you got a clean bill of health in the hospital and that there is nothing wrong with your heart.  When I first heard the news I immediately let out a sigh of relief, as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my chest.  It was almost as if you were straddling my chest.  But that would be silly now, wouldn’t it?  I mean it’s not like I am some 13-year-old Dominican boy, am I?

I only have one question for your doctors:  whose heart did they steal to put into you so they could say there was nothing wrong with your heart?  I am not pointing fingers, but this is beginning to sound a bit like those urban legends where the guy wakes up in the bathtub filled with ice to discover he is missing a kidney.  But hey, what is a little white slavery and organ theft between friends?

When it seemed you had left this world, it created an enormous void.  In fact, the void created by the lack of your enormity tore a hole in the space-time-continuum, temporarily altering the orbit of earth.  Because you were perceived as dead, days will now be one half second longer.  It will take scientists years to recover.  It’s a good thing we don’t give a shit about scientists, being Republican and all.

And the hateful speech coming from the left during our time of need was just shameful.  They said things like you were dead or that your were dying or that you were gravely ill.  How hateful.  You would never hear any of us on the right making fun of say some Senator dying of brain cancer, a 9/11 widow, or an actor with a terrible degenerative disease.  We have too much class for that!

I owe everything I am to you.  Everything I learned, I learned from you.  For instance, I learned how low taxes and fiscal responsibility will grow the economy.  I also learned that a strong military keeps America safe.  And, unfortunately, I learned the real meaning of tea bagging this year, thanks to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the brothers of Kappa Alpha Psi.  It took a week to get the taste of black balls out of my mouth.  But look who I’m talking to.  You know how hard it is to get the taste of boy balls out of your mouth, don’t you?

But I am happy you are alive and well and will be returning to the microphone as soon as you can resist the urge to give it a blow job.  I find covering the microphone with Bengay works best.  Then again, with a name like BanGAY, we might never be able to get your lips off that thing.  Well, see if you can use some self restraint and control.  Oh, look who I’m talking too, again.  Your idea of restraint is smoking eight cigars and eating a leg of ham in one sitting.  Too many fat jokes?  Just one more, I promise.  Your ass is so big it has its own zip code.  Sorry, I wasn’t even trying with that last one.

So in conclusion, happy to see you aren’t dead, got a good heart, yada yada yada.  Please don’t scare us again like that.  Losing you was not the worst of this nightmare.  If you had died in the same hospital where Barack Obama was born, no one would ever believe your death certificate.  Before long Orly Taitz would be hocking fake death certificates showing you had died in Kenya or something.  You have to take care of yourself.  None of us can take another scare like this again.  You need to see a doctor regularly, and get that weight under control.  Make an appointment with a doctor today.  The life you save may be your own.

I hear Dr. Kevorkian has weekend hours now.

Sincerely,

Blanca

Republicans are on board not only because it would end abortion, which they see as an anathema, but it would also reduce federal spending and cut the deficit by ending what Repulicans see as government handouts.  But Republicans are not the only ones behind this bill.

The bill enjoys broad bipartisan support, including many Democrats, mainly due to a provision, which would force anyone anti abortion to adopt the unwanted children being brought to term.  When asked how the government would determine who was anti abortion, a Senator, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they would simply use the donation rolls of the RNC for the past twelve years.  The nameless Senator then suggested they could use Nielsen information and mailing rosters from the Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh shows to complete the list.

In a surprising move, most religious institutions appear to be poised to reverse decades-old opposition of abortion in favor of abortion on demand, up to and including not on the third trimester, but also just minutes before birth.  This new so-called Anything But Birth Abortion, abbreviated ABBA because of certain Senators’ fondness of Mamma Mia!, would allow women to walk into any hospital, fire house, police station, or Chuck E. Cheese and get an abortion with no questions asked.

When pressed to provide a rational for this radical shift from pro-life to pro-get-it-out-of-me-for-Christ’s-sake, Pastor Rick Warren explained that his mega church was already $900,000 in debt due to the recession.  “If Republicans are forced to start raising multiple unwanted children, they would have less money to spend on churches, and I might have to actually get a real job and work for a living,” Pastor Warren exclaimed with tears running down his cheeks.

When asked for an official statement from the Holy See, Pope Benedict, aka Hitlerjugend Ratzinger, said the Catholic Church’s position had not changed.  They would not support such a heinous bill, and would instruct priests across the United States to deny sacraments to any politician voting for this abomination.

When asked which bill he considered an abomination His Holiness simply replied “the one that’s cutting off my gravy train, bitch.”  He then turned and sauntered away in his fabulous Prada loafers.

But I begin 2010 with a renewed hope.  Hope that they will find Obama’s real birth certificate in Kenya or Tanzania or even Hawaii, just as long as it is foreign soil.  But until then, there are six hours left to the decade, and I am getting shit faced with my puki pal, Michelle Malkin.

Up yours 2009!

It is with great pride we bring you those we have lost this year, whom you may not have known.

Felicity Nessbaum 1931 – 2009 — Mrs. Nessbaum was a teacher, wife, and avid gardener.  Although she often scared neighborhood children with her 75 cats, she was a loving soul.  She was killed earlier this year when one of Obama’s Death Panels decided she was too old to live.

Charles Kartmann 1927 – 2009 — Mr. Kartmann was an amateur ham radio operator and veteran of the Korean War.  He was decorated with the Bronze Star and a survivor of the Chosun Battle.  He was also a lifelong worker on the Pennsylvania Railroad, before it was killed off by Richard Nixon.  Mr. Kartmann died this year, because he was denied health care due to exercise freaks who were stressing the system.

Victoria Alexander 1954 – 2009 — Miss Alexander was a nurse and semi-professional golfer.  She earned her masters degree later in life, and was proud mother of two Cambodian children she adopted.  Miss Alexander died due to shortages in the health care system brought about by giving more people access to care.

Craig Nielson 1972 – 2009 — Mr. Nielson was the youngest of five children and a new lawyer and husband.  He graduated from Northwestern University just three years ago, but was already a promising member of the bar.  Mr. Nielson died waiting for treatment because his hospital emergency ward was clogged with illegal Mexicans.

These were just a few of the brave souls we lost this year due to the Democrats, Obama, and health care.