With Dick it’s become a family affair, with his dragging along his wife and daughter–the normal hetero one, not the icky lesbo–to get his back as the questions get tough, and he is required to provide proof to his allegations. OK, it’s not so much proof as just his normal grunting and heavy breathing reminiscent of a dirty phone call from Darth Vader. But who needs evidence when the guy from the team who told us where to find all those weapons of mass destruction tells you to believe him. I mean this guy’s track record is impeccable.

If Dick wasn’t telling us about the iron clad connection between Mohamed Atta and Hussein’s super secret weapons program via Czechoslovakia–nine years after the counry ceased to exist–he and his gang of dogooders were sewing yarns about the super solvency of the credit market and absolute stability of the banking system.

Yes, Dick “Go Fuck Yourself” Cheney never missed a beat. Well, he missed several heartbeats, enough times that he slept in a coffin, but as far as intelligence went, this man was second to only George W. Bush in accuracy.

Just weeks after being wheeled out onto the Capitol steps for the last time looking like an even frailer version of Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life, Cheney was back on the talk show circuit talking up torture like the Shamwow guy tries to sell you absorbant rags for an RV you don’t even own. For a man who could never be found, hiding in his nondisclosed location for nearly the entire duration of his eight-year reign as Number Two, the man just can’t shut up now.

But I guess we do have to give Mr. Cheney credit for keeping up safe all those years. We were not hit once in those eight years he was at the helm, or at least silently guiding the hand of the guy at the helm when he was too drunk to steer, put his hand on the wheel, or even find the bridge. I mean the only time we were hit was that unfortunate incident on September 11, 2001. But he couldn’t be faulted for that. This was before we started torturing, so there was no way he could have ever found out about it. He would have had to have had ESP or at least the ability to read a Presidential Daily Briefing or listen to an FBI field agent.

Torture kept us safe by providing valuable information preventing another attack, or at least providing an invaluable link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. In fact it was so successful, they waterboarded one guy 183 times in one month. You could even say that if it weren’t for torture, we never would have gotten into Iraq in the first place. And what kind of a world would this be with 5,000 more Americans alive and kicking in it?

While Mr. Cheney might not have known dick about the economy, he was dead on when it came to torture and using torture to keep us safe from the ticking time bomb, which was the imaginary and wholly illusionary link between 9/11 and Iraq. Cheney’s creative reading of such quaint documents as the Geneva Convention and goddamn pieces of paper like the Constitution, have helped us build the case for war and kept us safe from all those evildoers everywhere–except for the guys who blew up buses in London, trains in Madrid, nightclubs in Bali, beheaded journalists in the Middle East, and kept killing our soldiers using the type of road side improvised explosive devices, which would make Popular Mechanics proud.

Mr. Five-Time “I’ve Got Better Things to Do” Deferment Cheney knows the horrors of battle well, and would only send our soldiers into harm’s way based on sound intelligence, checked, double checked, and finally triple checked. He would never endanger the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans based on the desperate utterances of a man believing he was drowning, seeking any way to relieve the pain, no matter how fanciful the tale or fictitious the story. Not our Dick.

When Mr. Cheney condemns our President’s strategy in the fight against terrorism, he isn’t just playing politics. He is doing it to protect not only us, but more importantly, himself. You see, it seems there are a bunch of folk out there who think that we do not torture. They are misguided by quaint ideas like morals and Christian ethics. They don’t know that if we don’t torture, then the terrorists win. They live in ivory towers, also known as the front lines, and are under the mistaken idea that if we condone torture, then we have no standing to condemn others who torture. If you ask me on this Memorial Day, they are just a bunch of pussies.

Cheney is playing for his life, delivering a performance worthy of an Oscar, as he attempts to keep himself away from prying eyes, who would investigate who tortured whom. Look, we all know it takes two to torture, one to do the torture, and one to sit there and be tortured. At least that is how the whole S&M thing works between Sean Hannity and Geraldo Rivera. So there is plenty of blame to go around. I mean if someone claims he was tortured, like some 12-year-old boy getting sodomized, can’t we all just agree he was asking for it like the woman who gets brutally raped for dressing pretty?

We owe it to Mr. Cheney to get his back after he got our backs, and mail, and phone calls, and email, and financial data for the last seven years. Just remember the next time he tells us we are all going to die because we now know what he was up to for those seven years, that he is only doing this to protect us all from the boogie man, which appears to no longer be some bearded guy in a cave in Pakistan, but is now some black guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

So here’s to that big Dick for keeping us safe and protecting his ass. Let’s hope this world tour of torture lasts a long time. Mr. Cheney, might I suggest you take this road trip international? What do you say to Spain?

The most important thing to remember to be a good Republican in 2009 is to not admit you are a Republican. Use code words like Conservative, or Libertarian, or Constitutionalist. But above all, do not let on that you are a Republican. It just won’t get you anywhere. In fact, in some parts of the country, you will be driven out of town on the horse you rode in on, which can be downright embarrassing when that horse is a 16-year-old male congressional page, as in the case of Mark Foley.

You also need to repeat the meme that Democrats and Republicans are the same. But even as you ensure everyone that there is no difference between the two parties, you must stress that Democrats are destroying this country, and that Republicans are much better at running the country. You also must cry about how Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barney Frank are destroying stuff. You really have to emphasize Barney Frank. And get all indignant when people call you out for being homophobic. Better yet, if they expose you as a homophobe, call them a fag.

Another important idea to keep in mind as a good Republican is how polarizing Barack Obama is. If people don’t understand how polarizing he is, refer to him as Barack Hussein Obama. That usually does the trick. Oh, if it doesn’t, draw a Hitler mustache on his picture. By the way, if people point out how polarizing Dick Cheney, Newt Gingerich, or George W. Bush are, just put them on television over and over again saying the most polarizing things just to prove how non-polarizing they are.

Oh, and you have to really whine about the deficit. Explain how we have record deficits, and that it will destroy the country. When someone brings up the deficit spending under Bush, just act like you have no idea who Bush is. Better yet, act like nothing happened between January 20, 2001 and January 20, 2009. Insist it went Bush-Clinton-Obama. If you need help ignoring entire periods of history, I suggest finding a German. They are very good at ignoring their own misdeeds. In fact, pretty much everyone in Germany agrees that nothing happened between 1933 and 1945.

To be a good Republican, you have to hate tax cuts for the very first time in history. You also have to pretend that you didn’t get a tax cut. This will be hard, because most Republicans today are either mega-rich or dirt poor inbred trailer trash from Alabama or Kansas. I suggest watching Martha Stewart to figure out how to make your warn out clothes look like they are trash chic–you know, the kind of clothes that really rich yuppies like to wear. Of course being from Oklahoma or Utah, you probably don’t have electricity or television, let alone know who Martha Stewart is. I tell you what, even though it will repulse you, find a gay person and ask for some fashion help.

You also have to pretend that we really are a big tent party, even as—and here’s the tricky part—you enact legislation designed to deny entire group of people their rights. The great thing is that as times change, you can just start to support these groups and deny you ever discriminated. Loving v. Virginia? Wasn’t that an episode of “Gilligan’s Island?” Anti-sodomy laws? Never heard of them. Of course we welcome civil unions, haven’t we always? Gay marriage, oh gosh, where did you get the idea we didn’t approve of that?

You also need to listen to the leaders of the Party and to turn to them for guidance, so that we can deliver a unified message. Of course it all depends on what day of the week it is as to who is the leader of the party. Definitely, if it is Monday through Friday, the leader of the party is Rush Limbaugh. On the weekends, it is a rotating position, shared between whatever minority we can find who can regurgitate whatever bullshit we feed him or her. The rotation usually goes black guy, dumb chick, and Indian guy (aka 7-Eleven Guy). Sometimes we have a washed up has-been whose own moral foibles make him the laughing stock of the nation: read Newt Gingerich or Rudy Giuliani.

You also have to be able to stay the dumbest shit possible with a straight face. Blanca has been doing this for years, so I can give you some pointers. For instance, when asked if the Republican Party is becoming too narrowly focused, and is ignoring larger groups of Americans, just say that yours is the big tent party: the party of freedom. If a rather intelligent reports calls you out on this crap, just break into a song and dance about how tea baggers love freedom, yada yada yada. If you need help on the dance number, think of the “Razzle Dazzle” number from Chicago.

It may be difficult, but if you adhere to these simple rules, you, too, can be a effective Republican, and ride the wave of approval all the way to victory.

Some time by 2038.

A spokesperson for the family denied that Dick Cheney was trying to remain relevant by putting his wife in the hospital after Vice President Joe Biden’s mother was hospitalized at another hospital in Philadelphia.

Another spokesperson for the family also denied that the universe was taking target practice for some giant cosmic kick ass karma payback for Dick’s antics while in the White House.

I was worried no one from the Republican party was going to defend the poor executives from AIG. Everyone is looking out for the so-called “little guy” today. Popular opinion seems to be with all those lazy saps on the public dole. But no one wants to help out the truly needy: those Wall Street managers who have seen their stock portfolios evaporate thanks to the Wall Street meltdown. Come on, give these poor guys a break. It’s not like they caused this mess. Dick Cheney said so. This was all caused by Barney Frank and poor people wanting to buy homes.

Geez, it’s not like some bozo who looks like a chimp told everyone to out and do some shopping after the worst crisis since World War II, even though the smart thing to do was be fiscally responsible. It was Barney Frank from Massachusetts. It’s all his fault. Really.

Chappaquiddick!
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

You probably know by now that I have not been altogether happy with your placement on the 2008 Republican ticket. But with recent events, I think we are stuck with each other, and should make the best of a bad situation.

It seems our party is placing all of its hopes in you, not only to bring us back from the brink of extinction–like such a thing could exist since evolution is just a fairy tale–but also to be the first female candidate for President for our party. Well, you will be unless Lindsay Graham finally comes out of the closet and dons that little pink chiffon number he’s had his eye on for years.

And speaking of which, please stop buying your clothes at that shop “Out of the Closet.” It just sends the wrong message to our youth. It makes us look like we tolerate all those homosexualists. I think you need to start shopping at Jesus’ Secret or Jehova’s Wardrobe.

When asked to name a newspaper you read, just remember this simple rule. Take the name of a major city, and add the word “Times,” and voi là you have the name of a newspaper. Just remember The New York Times, Washington Times, and Los Angeles Times. It even works for podunks like you know and love: Wasilla Times, Barrow Times, Nome Times. No one will ever fact check you, trust me.

If you can’t remember any Supreme Court decisions you disagree with, just remember Brown vs. Board of Education, Lawrence vs. Texas, and Loving vs. Virginia. Failing that, you can just take any name and make it vs. the People or some state. If you can’t remember this–and how freakin’ stupid must you be to forget something so simple–then just take the name of a movie. For instance, you could name Kramer vs. Kramer, The People vs. Larry Flynt, or Godzilla vs. Megalon. If you can’t remember this, then you are beyond help and just need to be set out on an ice floe and put out of all of our collective misery.

If asked about the Bush Doctrine, try to remember that it has nothing to do with shaving your hoo ha. It is about pre-emptive military action. There are probably a couple of other doctrines, with which you should become familiar. There is the Powell Doctrine, the Monroe Doctrine, and the Truman Doctrine. If you can’t remember what a particular doctrine is, don’t say “in what way?” to the reporter. That makes you look like an idiot. Just say “I fully support that doctrine, and anyone who doesn’t is not supporting American security.” That way you make the person asking the question look like a Commie or something.

Finally, if you can’t figure out why some US Americans can’t find the United States on a map, please don’t say it is because some people don’t have maps. Try to skip forward to the talent section and ignore things you don’t understand. Then again, since it seems you are a complete moron, maybe you should just do any future interviews topless to distract from your complete ineptitude. Nothing says Presidential like a nice rack.

Well, I hope this has been helpful. If not, maybe you could go hunting with Dick Cheney. That way Mike Huckabee might have a real chance. I really need to be able to look forward to something in 2012 other than those half naked gay guys diving at the Olympics in London.

Love,

Blanca

McCain is making a last minute push into the Keystone State of Pennsylvania. Hoping to turn around the polls, he is placing all his bets on the state of 11 million people. An amalgamation of Rust Belt and Northeastern state, the birthplace of the nation is an unusual creature. Pennsylvania has had Republican senators and governors in the past, but has not supported a Republican for President since 1988.

The second oldest state in the union, not by entry date but by mean age of it’s citizens, Pennsylvania handed Clinton a win in the primary. But now the state is favoring Obama over McCain by 10 points in most polls. Turning around such a deficit with just 10 days until the election is not only daunting, it is impossible.

McCain’s gamble is to turn one blue state red to compensate for losing three to four red states to Obama. But the choice of Pennsylvania is odd to say the least.

Hoping to pull 21 electoral votes from Obama, McCain believes he can stem the rising tide for Obama if he pulls off this Hail Mary pass in the fourth quarter. The problem is that McCain is ignoring states he might be able to defend with such a ridiculous strategy.

Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina, Indiana, and Florida are now going for Obama. Even if McCain pulls off Pennsylvania, he will still be far short of the 270 needed to win. Instead of going on the offense in a state he cannot possibly win, McCain needs to play defense with the states he might have a chance to hold and to possibly keep Obama to 269 and force a divisive vote in the House and Senate–forever sealing his legacy as the worst presidential candidate in history.

McCain will lose. But his selfish actions, attempting to lose by less, are going to cost his party dearly. The brand is already damaged, but McCain is doing all he can to make the party not just an anathema but also a pariah this election.

The McCain campaign pushed a story to the media this week about a student attacked and beaten for displaying a McCain bumper sticker in her car. She became a cause célèbre, brandishing the B “scar” she said her attackers carved into her cheek. But the woman lied, and her story soon collapsed and became a critical liability for the McCain campaign.

McCain has already decided to appeal to the basest and most destructive element in the Republican party. Feeding the rabid masses red meat at his Nuremberg rallies, McCain and Palin are fomenting hate in a political pact with the Devil with no hopes of Victory on November 4.

Instead, McCain should be focusing on stumping these final days for his friends in the Senate who are now endangered. Just as Dole did in 1996, McCain could face reality and accept his defeat while protecting the filibuster in the Senate. But McCain, as always, puts not country first but himself.

Like his petulant brother who called 911 to complain about traffic, McCain is tying up valuable resources in this final 10 days to feed his ego, hoping he can win one last victory before he fades away like all good soldiers do. McCain could choose to devote his monies to protect McConnell or two open seats in Mississippi, but that would require selflessness, and McCain only understands selfishness.

So on November 4, when McCain goes down for the count, he may drag along with him the filibuster and at least 30 seats in the House. If George W. Bush killed the Republican party, John McCain is burying it, and Palin is defiling its corpse.

The Party of Lincoln is now being tied to the party of “off with his head,” “kill him,” and “terrorist.” While McCain and Palin could not have done it alone–Michele Bachmann and Jean Schmidt have had a great hand in destroying the party–they are the main culprits in the party’s demise.

What emerges from this party could be a reinvention, where the religious and intolerant forces are expelled, or it may be carved up into other parties. There are many unknowns about Election Day, but one thing is certain. November 5 will be the first day of a new Republican Party, no matter what form it finally takes. And four people will become personae non gratae: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, John McCain, and Sarah Palin.

I was told War, Inc. was a satire, a sendup of the War in Iraq. But I honesty didn’t get it. I found it to be a reasonable treatise of how a war could be waged by a corporation headed by the Vice President. It really didn’t seem all that funny to me. On the contrary, it gave me a lot of ideas of how we could improve the war, by getting rid of soldiers altogether, using Halliburton troops, and sell advertising on tanks.

The last time I had this much disatisfaction at the movies was during one of our many girl nights. Laura Ingraham came over and said we were going to watch a movie. For the next two hours she tried to shove a DVD into my VCR. I finally smacked the bitch over the head with a copy of Power to the People I was using to shimmy up the lopsided end of the couch.

After I finally wrestled the disc from Michelle, who was staring at the shiny side like some retarded minah bird, I placed the movie in the player and pressed play.

I went out into the kitchen to make some popcorn, you know the kind, the stuff with the pour on butter. Ann loves that stuff. She usually ends up with butter all over her. She then lets the dog lick off the excess. Sometimes I think she is purposely trying to be messy. You can’t tell me all the popcorn makes it up her hoo ha by accident.

When I came back in the room, I took my place on the couch and watched with the others. After about an hour, I screamed at Laura, “hey, I thought we were going to watch a movie. Why are we watching Fox News?”

Laura turned to me and said, “this is the movie. It’s called Network.”

I thought Faye Dunaway looked too good to be Laura.

But I digress.

The movie yesterday just didn’t seem all that funny to me. Even the scene, which I normally would find knee-slapping funny, where they shoot down a bunch of unarmed civilians, just wasn’t that humorous. Maybe I just don’t get the joke. You know, I would have thought they could have gotten a lot of material from Iraq. From what I hear–having never been there like most right wingers who talk on authority about the subject–it is a real blast. It’s so great that our troops keep getting themselves stop lossed just to keep going back.

And that is why the GI Bill is so evil. It would stop them from going time and time again, and make them take a break for an education. Don’t Americans understand that education is not for the masses, and certainly not for the troops. It is for those at the top, the ones who trick the rest of the schmucks into voting for school vouchers, which ruin their schools, but let us send our brats to private academies on their dime.

So all-in-all, the film was not all that good. Sure, it featured mercenaries and terrorists, bombs and amputees, and even a Dan Aykroyd-cum-Dick Cheney, sitting on a toilet, but it wasn’t as funny as the real thing.

You know, I may hate John McCain with all my passion, but at least I agree with him on one thing. I hope we are in Iraq for 100 years!

The first step on our tour was Cheney University in the suburbs of Philadelphia. When my pals told me we were going to visit Cheney, I got all excited. I insisted on changing immediately into my finest attire and douching with light sweet crude just to lend me a scent I know he loves. I hadn’t felt this excited in years. I must admit, I have always had a secret crush on Dick. Yes, I love Dick. In fact, I can’t get enough Dick. In fact you could strap me down and torture me as long as there is Dick in my face to keep me going.

So when my friends corrected me and told me that we were going to a university, I felt disappointed. Actually, I think I passed gas, because of all the scrapple they fed me in the morning. But then I thought, what is better than meeting one Dick? A university filled with Dicks! Can you imagine, an entire school filled with little Dicks, all in training, to become big Dicks, all capable of being a pace-maker-controlled heartbeat away from Commander Guy? What a dream!

So you can imagine my disappointment when we finally arrived at Cheney University. I leaned over to my one friend and said in my best Haley Joel Osment “I see black people.”

I mean can you imagine? The entire place is crawling with colored folk. If I were the Cheneys I would sue for some sort of copyright infringement. If this isn’t against the law, it certainly should be.

I was so angry, I had to visit the nearest restroom to splash water on my face. Since we were closest to the gym, I decided to duck into the locker room to revive myself. I guess I was so shocked, I didn’t notice I had walked into the men’s locker room. It was only after cooling off did I notice all the naked men in the shower.

I screamed out in my best Madeline Kahn “It’s twue, it’s twue!” I guess I startled the guys. When I collapsed from the sight, and they all came over to help me. Well the sight of a dozen naked black men coming at me scared me so much I got out of there as soon as I could. I was out of there in only three hours.

Well, let’s just say I have a new respect and understanding for Barack Obama. I think he might make a good President after all. I wonder if I can get to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom if I make a good contribution. I hope it’s next to the Presidential shower, so I can be shocked all over again.

The Democrats have it right. They have the nukular option. Ever since George McGovern, the Democrats have had super delegates, who have the ability to right a listing electorate, and choose a candidate, who cannot lose. Why they never used this option before with Dukakis and Kerry, I have no idea. But at long last they seem to be dusting off the doomsday scenarios, and are preparing to override a confused populace and pick the best candidate.

Perhaps we Republicans should take a page from the Democrats this season, and prepare our own safety controls to prevent the voters from having their say and choosing a wrinkled old prune with no chance of beating his way out of a paper bag.

It is time for those in the know to choose the next nominee at the convention. And I have the perfect candidate. No one could argue with his credentials as a conservative. And no one could possibly fault him for his genius. Aside from having a hedonist daughter, he is the perfect candidate. He knows the meaning of the unitary executive, and he understands what it means to be Number Two.

He has quietly slaved over the last seven years, popping out of an undisclosed location every once and awhile to remind us that a vote for the other guy is a vote for the terrorist. He has kept us safe from another attack by actually doing something about potential attacks, instead of just sitting on his ass and letting us get hit in the first place like that other moron who was in charge on September 11, 2001.

Now I know what you are thinking. He’s not lovable, and seems to have a terrible temper. I mean the guy shot a friend in the face for just looking at him cross eyed. Well, I just say that he is misunderstood. And I know that many of you feel queasy about his lesbo of a daughter. We could always send his daughter to some scared straight camp, if it makes you feel better.

If you want to continue the fun and excitement we have been having, and you never want to cut and run from our battles, but instead want to run head long into Iran without a clue of what we are doing or how to get out, then Cheney is your man. He will unite the country like no other. Well, I can think of one, but he went a little overboard. At least children for years to come will be named Dick. When was the last time you heard a mother call for an Adolf on the playground?

So let’s do this thing right. At the convention, we true conservatives need to dump McCain and take over the party, kicking out all those wannabes. We will make Dick Cheney run, and will enjoy another eight years of prosperity and peace.

During his governorship in Massachusetts, he raised taxes. Under his leadership, the state began a dangerous foray into socialized medicine. While he captained the ship of state, Republicans saw a continuing erosion of their power in the state legislature to the point that any conservative in the state of Massachusetts must truly think they have the Madness of King George when going to the bathroom. Take that Dennis Miller! See I can make obscure references, too.

But the most disturbing development during Mitt’s time in the governor’s mansion in Boston was the legalization of gay marriage. At a time when most of the states of the union were shunning gays, trying to force them back in the closet and take away their civil rights, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts not only legitimized gay marriage but codified it, by first permitting, and then sanctifying gay unions. And while Mittens tried to keep gays from outside of the Bay State from enjoying these perverted rights by using a little known law designed to keep interracial marriages, he did nothing to actually stop the practice. In fact it appeared he quietly accepted it.

To those outside New England this may all come as surprise for a devout Mormon, a religion, which frowns not only on gay marriage, but also on interracial marriage, and even as recently as 1978, did not permit blacks into Heaven. But to anyone from Massachusetts, Mittens has been no stranger to the gays. He once campaigned on a pledge that he would be a greater friend to the gays than Edward Kennedy.

And this is where all Republicans should be concerned. For the last seven years we have suffered through an encroachment onto our civil rights, by a society becoming ever more accepting of gays. This brings us to the edge of a slippery slope. If we suddenly grant gays civil rights, then who will want them next? Blacks? Jews? Women? My friend, I could not live in a nation like that. Tolerance is so anti-Republican.

While we have had a super friend in the White House for these seven years, helping to stem the tide of tolerance and acceptance, we have had a silent enemy, who has secretly schemed against us in the Naval Observatory. And it is no coincidence that he has a lesbian daughter.

Dick Cheney has attempted to undermine all the hard work Commander Guy has done to stop the nation’s slide to Sodom and Gomorrah, and he has done this on behalf of his daughter. In fact, during these seven years, the number of homos in the Cheney clan has grown by one, with the birth of a baby boy to Mary Cheney.

Social conservatives should not fool themselves. A Romney Presidency would bring a continuation of this tolerance. You see Mittens has a personal stake in the struggle of gay rights, just like Dick Cheney. One of Mitt’s sons, Craig, is gay, and his father will stop at nothing to help his son live the lifestyle. In fact, Mr. Magic Underpants wants to give Craig a present, a present of national gay marriage. And before you know it, we will have gay people living next door to you, making house payments, buying cars, mowing the lawn, owning pets, and having children. How horrifying! I mean, we had to accept all those Negroes thanks to LBJ, but I’ll be damned if we have to accept all these homos.

So if you are a conservative in any of the states, which have not yet voted in the primaries, please think twice before casting a vote for Mittens. Because a vote for Mittens is a vote for gays: gay marriage, gay cars, gay mortgages, gay lawn mowers, and gay picket fences.

You have the power to stop this. If you attend a Mittens rally, just ask him this one question: how can we trust you to uphold traditional marriage, when you couldn’t even raise your own son right? And if he denies the allegations, that just makes them all the more true. Remember Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and Larry Craig all denied they were gay before their bathroom toe tapping, male prostitute seeing, and underage boy stalking behavior was made public. The future of our nation is in your hands. Take action now, before it’s too late.