President George W. “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Brownie” Bush has been booked as a motivational speaker for the Get Motivated folks based in Tampa, Florida.  If you have the money, you may be one of the lucky ones to see President Bush in person in either Fort Worth on October 26 or in San Antonio on December 2.

Previously, you had to be a Ranger or Pioneer spending upwards of $100,000 for the privilege of seeing the President in person.  But in this economy our beloved Commander Guy has slashed his speaking fees so you, too, can afford the chance to meet a legend.

Other former Presidents charge from $150,000 to $350,000 for speaking fees.  Bill Clinton made $7.5 million in 2005 making talkie talk.

Considering the Fort Worth Convention Center seats 11,200 and the AT&T Center in San Antonio has a maximum capacity of 17,444, President Bush could only be making at most about $86,000 for his motivational speech.  Of course, that is assuming none of the other folks are getting anything or that the company is running at a loss.

It truly shows how generous and saintly our former President is that he is basically making a pittance just to let you have the chance to touch his robes for a mere $4.95 or $19 for your entire office.

Of course since he tanked the economy, most people can’t even afford $4.95 for the privilege to personally thank him for his brilliant stewardship of the largest economy in the world.  But if you have to sell a pint of plasma to get to see Bush, it is a small price to pay.

I don’t know about you, but I plan to fly down to Dallas on Monday to see my idol in the flesh.  Hell, while I’m there I may even pair up with Glenn Beck and reenact the Kennedy Assassination.  I can’t wait to see what I look like in that little pink chiffon number with a matching pill box hat.  I bet we get a crowd in Dealey Plaza.  We could charge almost anything.  I am sure half the world would pay at least $1,000 to watch Beck’s head get blown off.

But your $4.95 doesn’t just buy George W. Bush.  You also get to see Rudy Giuliani reenact the horror of 9/11.  He will graphically recount the blood bath of 9/11.  He will demonstrate the courage he manifested on 9/11.  He might even mention 9/11.

And Colin Powell will dangle vials of anthrax over the enthralled crowd.  Of course the toxin is just a prop.  The dried up powder is really the desiccated semen of Rush Limbaugh.

This promises to be one of the best two nights in the history of mankind.  Book your tickets now!  They are sure to sell out.

Well at least the front row.

Bring a rain coat.  You will get wet!

At least Blanca will get wet listening to President Bush!

Rush, email for rapid weight loss and penis enlargement does not constitute hate mail. You know nothing about hate mail. I receive horribly vicious hate mail on a daily basis. Here, for instance, is one I got after an interview I did with my puki pal, Michelle Malkin, on the Fox News.

Hey Blanca,

I caught your interview with Ms. Malkin, and I was disgusted. How dare you! I don’t consider myself a prude, but for God’s sake, please put on some clothes. I had just eaten lunch, and I vomited all over myself when I saw what you were trying to wear. Everyone loves little black dresses, but if you are a sixteen plus and try to wear a four, it just goes against the laws of nature.

Next time wear a burqah, you fat cow.

Now that is hate email!

Rush, if someone calls you out for being a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot, just brush it off, much like you do to the eight pounds of food that drops out of your mouth as you stuff your gullet. Don’t take it personally when someone accuses you of child rape or of drug abuse.

But I must agree with you on one point. What the left did to George W. Bush and the conservatives for eight years is far worse than the right has been doing to Barack Obama. Remember all those abortion opponents the pro choice crowd gunned down? No? How about all those conservatives shot and killed in their places of worship by left wingers? Not ringing a bell? I’m sure you can recall all those white Christian men who were targeted for being white and straight by the pink mafia. Not really?

Yeah, a couple of loons killing cops, Jews, doctors, people in their churches, gay people on the street, and sending increasingly alarming and incendiary email is nothing. It’s all in the left’s head.

Thank you for making us all feel safer.

While some in the battle for marriage equality appear to be not only suspicious of Ted Olson’s ulterior motives but also fear that pushing the case in federal court will harm gay marriage, others continue to scratch their heads at the unlikely pair, the Odd Couple of the Law.

Blanca has put on her legal cap, which really nothing more than a nightcap in the middle of the afternoon–here’s to the three-martini lunch–and analyzed what is behind this legal tag team.

First, I do not believe that Ted Olson is interested in gay marriage, although I think he looks pretty gay, if you ask me, even if he is now on his fourth wife. On the contrary, I believe the conservative former Solicitor General is more interested in derailing gay marriage by pushing it through the federal courts, and ultimately the Supreme Court of the United States, before sufficient ground work has been placed, and before Obama has the chance to replace some of the more fossilized Supremes appointed under Ford and Reagan.

Second, I think those fearing the Supreme Court will ultimately uphold Proposition 8 do not understand how little damage this does to gay marriage. If the Justices agreed with the decision of the California Supreme Court, no state currently permitting gay marriage would be forced to then ban the practice. The decision would lie completely with the States, and the status quo would be maintained.

Third, there is no reason to believe the United States Supreme Court would even hear the case. The last time this issue was before the court was 1970, and the Court refused to even hear the case.

Fourth, even if the Court did decide to hear the case, there is little reason to believe that the outcome would vary much from Lawrence v. Texas, in which the court decided 6 to 3 to strike down sodomy laws. Of course three of the Justices hearing that case in 2003 will no longer be on the bench by the time an appeal of this case reaches the highest court in the land. O’Connor has already retired, replaced by Alito by President George W. Bush. Renquist died, and was replaced by Roberts, also by President George W. Bush. Souter is retiring, and presumably will be replaced by Sonja Sotomayor, whom President Barack Obama assures the left is just more of the same as Souter, who turned out to be a bit of a progressive after he was appointed by President George H. W. Bush. But essentially the mix of the court will remain as it did under the sodomy case, with Kennedy being the swing vote.

Fifth, and most importantly, I believe in elaborate ruses. Granted the Right has been rudderless for several years, and even when we were stearing in one direction or the other, those at the helm were generally drunk with either power or enough near beer to knock out an elephant. But this may ultimately be just an orchestrated way to place the matter of gay marriage back in the hands of the Congress in the form of a federal gay marriage ban.

President Obama has pledged to overhaul or weaken The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), even though he seems to no longer support a complete repeal. Even if DOMA remains, if the Court decides that state bans against gay marriage are unconstitutional, then the only recourse for conservatives will be a federal amendment to the United States Constitution banning same-sex marriage.

Suddenly there will be new life in the Conservative Movement, which lately has resembeled more of a bowel movement. But time is of the essence, and this simple fact shows why Ted Olson is bringing this case before the federal appeals courts at this time.

Put simply, old folks are dying out. Younger people support gay marriage much more than older people. And as the older folks bite the big one, and as more people live with the reality of gay marriage in states like Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, and as more states move closer to legalizing the practice, such as New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Maryland, Washington D.C., Hawaii, California and Illinois, there will be less fear of gay marriage, and therefore less support for a federal ban.

Pat Robertson is not getting any younger. Jerry Falwell is dead. That creepy dude who wants to shower naked with your son is now basically powerless. Cultural shifts and time are not on the side of those who would like to keep gay marriage illegal.

It really is just a matter of time. Just as merely 42 years ago Barack Obama’s mother and father could not have been married in Virginia, 42 years from now Mary Cheney will be married to Heather Poe, and they two will be torturing people from an undisclosed location as Vice President and Second Lady of the United States.

With Dick it’s become a family affair, with his dragging along his wife and daughter–the normal hetero one, not the icky lesbo–to get his back as the questions get tough, and he is required to provide proof to his allegations. OK, it’s not so much proof as just his normal grunting and heavy breathing reminiscent of a dirty phone call from Darth Vader. But who needs evidence when the guy from the team who told us where to find all those weapons of mass destruction tells you to believe him. I mean this guy’s track record is impeccable.

If Dick wasn’t telling us about the iron clad connection between Mohamed Atta and Hussein’s super secret weapons program via Czechoslovakia–nine years after the counry ceased to exist–he and his gang of dogooders were sewing yarns about the super solvency of the credit market and absolute stability of the banking system.

Yes, Dick “Go Fuck Yourself” Cheney never missed a beat. Well, he missed several heartbeats, enough times that he slept in a coffin, but as far as intelligence went, this man was second to only George W. Bush in accuracy.

Just weeks after being wheeled out onto the Capitol steps for the last time looking like an even frailer version of Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life, Cheney was back on the talk show circuit talking up torture like the Shamwow guy tries to sell you absorbant rags for an RV you don’t even own. For a man who could never be found, hiding in his nondisclosed location for nearly the entire duration of his eight-year reign as Number Two, the man just can’t shut up now.

But I guess we do have to give Mr. Cheney credit for keeping up safe all those years. We were not hit once in those eight years he was at the helm, or at least silently guiding the hand of the guy at the helm when he was too drunk to steer, put his hand on the wheel, or even find the bridge. I mean the only time we were hit was that unfortunate incident on September 11, 2001. But he couldn’t be faulted for that. This was before we started torturing, so there was no way he could have ever found out about it. He would have had to have had ESP or at least the ability to read a Presidential Daily Briefing or listen to an FBI field agent.

Torture kept us safe by providing valuable information preventing another attack, or at least providing an invaluable link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. In fact it was so successful, they waterboarded one guy 183 times in one month. You could even say that if it weren’t for torture, we never would have gotten into Iraq in the first place. And what kind of a world would this be with 5,000 more Americans alive and kicking in it?

While Mr. Cheney might not have known dick about the economy, he was dead on when it came to torture and using torture to keep us safe from the ticking time bomb, which was the imaginary and wholly illusionary link between 9/11 and Iraq. Cheney’s creative reading of such quaint documents as the Geneva Convention and goddamn pieces of paper like the Constitution, have helped us build the case for war and kept us safe from all those evildoers everywhere–except for the guys who blew up buses in London, trains in Madrid, nightclubs in Bali, beheaded journalists in the Middle East, and kept killing our soldiers using the type of road side improvised explosive devices, which would make Popular Mechanics proud.

Mr. Five-Time “I’ve Got Better Things to Do” Deferment Cheney knows the horrors of battle well, and would only send our soldiers into harm’s way based on sound intelligence, checked, double checked, and finally triple checked. He would never endanger the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans based on the desperate utterances of a man believing he was drowning, seeking any way to relieve the pain, no matter how fanciful the tale or fictitious the story. Not our Dick.

When Mr. Cheney condemns our President’s strategy in the fight against terrorism, he isn’t just playing politics. He is doing it to protect not only us, but more importantly, himself. You see, it seems there are a bunch of folk out there who think that we do not torture. They are misguided by quaint ideas like morals and Christian ethics. They don’t know that if we don’t torture, then the terrorists win. They live in ivory towers, also known as the front lines, and are under the mistaken idea that if we condone torture, then we have no standing to condemn others who torture. If you ask me on this Memorial Day, they are just a bunch of pussies.

Cheney is playing for his life, delivering a performance worthy of an Oscar, as he attempts to keep himself away from prying eyes, who would investigate who tortured whom. Look, we all know it takes two to torture, one to do the torture, and one to sit there and be tortured. At least that is how the whole S&M thing works between Sean Hannity and Geraldo Rivera. So there is plenty of blame to go around. I mean if someone claims he was tortured, like some 12-year-old boy getting sodomized, can’t we all just agree he was asking for it like the woman who gets brutally raped for dressing pretty?

We owe it to Mr. Cheney to get his back after he got our backs, and mail, and phone calls, and email, and financial data for the last seven years. Just remember the next time he tells us we are all going to die because we now know what he was up to for those seven years, that he is only doing this to protect us all from the boogie man, which appears to no longer be some bearded guy in a cave in Pakistan, but is now some black guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

So here’s to that big Dick for keeping us safe and protecting his ass. Let’s hope this world tour of torture lasts a long time. Mr. Cheney, might I suggest you take this road trip international? What do you say to Spain?

Usually talk of secession brings to mind the Southern states forming the Confederacy and the long bloody Civil War, which killed more than 600,000 Americans on both sides of the conflict. The war, which pitted brother against brother, was the costliest in terms of life loss in the history of the United States. Most talk of secession is dismissed as the ranting of madmen and idiots who walk around using tea bags as jewelry or accessories.

Secession of the State of Texas is an unusual case, however. Because Texas was annexed, and because it was previously an independent country, there is some legal precedence to permit Texas to leave the Union. We real Americans welcome this departure. But there are some ground rules, which we must first agree on before you go and become your own country.

Several American exclaves would be established in the new Republic of Texas. Austin would become an exclave of Massachusetts, meaning that gay marriage would be legal deep in the heart of Texas.

Houston and surrounding areas, including the Johnson Space Center and the Bush Intercontinental Airport, would become an exclave of Louisiana. This seems appropriate since most of the residents of New Orleans ended up living in Houston after Katrina. The Bush Intercontinental Airport would be renamed to the Michael Dukakis Airport. And since George H.W. Bush would not be eligible to be President, since he came from a foreign country, Dukakis will be named the honorary 41st President. Additionally the aircraft carrier George H. W. Bush will be renamed the William Jefferson Clinton aircraft carrier. Since Jimmy Carter already has a nuclear submarine named after him, we can’t rename the ship after him, because it would just cause too much confusion.

Galveston will become an exclave of Vermont, because it is just unfair of Vermont not to have access to any seaport. Even New Hampshire gets a seaport. Once again, gay marriage, deep heart of Texas. Since the United States considers her territorial waters to extend 12 miles from shore, any ships passing through her territorial waters on the way to the Republic of Texas would have to pay a toll not greater than $100 per ton.

Since the highway system was designed and paid for by federal tax dollars, the Republic of Texas would be required to sign a 99 year lease with the United States for use of the highway system. The fee would be one dump truck filled with gold. Payment is due in full and promptly on January 1 of each year. We don’t care where you get the gold, and frankly that’s not our problem. You can take up a collection from all the people with gold teeth for all we care. Oh, wait, that would imply you have a functional health system. Well, not our problem.

The city of Texarkana will be ceded completely to the state of Arkansas.

El Paso will be ceded to New Mexico.

Dallas will continue to be part of the Republic of Texas, however the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository would become an exclave of Washington, D.C. Gay marriage will be legal, but guns won’t. Unfortunately this means that American Airlines will need to change its name to Texan Airlines. Both Texan and Southwest will now be foreign carriers and will be subject to strict regulation to operate in the United States. Continental will continue to be an American airline, since it will now be headquartered in Houston, LA.

Since George W. Bush also could not be President, all of his federal appointees are hereby stripped of rank and title. This means that both Justices Alito and Roberts are no longer on the bench. President Al Gore will be permitted to place two radical environmentalists on the Supreme Court.

An electric fence will be erected between the Republic of Texas proper and the United States. Border guards will have orders to shoot to kill any Texans attempting to cross the border illegally looking for jobs or health care once the Republic of Texas has devolved into Somalia.

And since the United States subscribes to both the Monroe as well as the Bush Doctrines, we reserve the right to invade Texas at any time in the future as we see fit, bomb the living shit out of whatever we find there, and occupy the country for a couple of years until we are good and ready to leave, but not before bombing the living shit out of anything else we find down there.

If you agree to these terms, Texas, feel free to leave the Union and form your own country. But please do it soon. We have some people coming over this afternoon to take a look at the place, and we would like you out of the country before they arrive.

The most important thing to remember to be a good Republican in 2009 is to not admit you are a Republican. Use code words like Conservative, or Libertarian, or Constitutionalist. But above all, do not let on that you are a Republican. It just won’t get you anywhere. In fact, in some parts of the country, you will be driven out of town on the horse you rode in on, which can be downright embarrassing when that horse is a 16-year-old male congressional page, as in the case of Mark Foley.

You also need to repeat the meme that Democrats and Republicans are the same. But even as you ensure everyone that there is no difference between the two parties, you must stress that Democrats are destroying this country, and that Republicans are much better at running the country. You also must cry about how Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barney Frank are destroying stuff. You really have to emphasize Barney Frank. And get all indignant when people call you out for being homophobic. Better yet, if they expose you as a homophobe, call them a fag.

Another important idea to keep in mind as a good Republican is how polarizing Barack Obama is. If people don’t understand how polarizing he is, refer to him as Barack Hussein Obama. That usually does the trick. Oh, if it doesn’t, draw a Hitler mustache on his picture. By the way, if people point out how polarizing Dick Cheney, Newt Gingerich, or George W. Bush are, just put them on television over and over again saying the most polarizing things just to prove how non-polarizing they are.

Oh, and you have to really whine about the deficit. Explain how we have record deficits, and that it will destroy the country. When someone brings up the deficit spending under Bush, just act like you have no idea who Bush is. Better yet, act like nothing happened between January 20, 2001 and January 20, 2009. Insist it went Bush-Clinton-Obama. If you need help ignoring entire periods of history, I suggest finding a German. They are very good at ignoring their own misdeeds. In fact, pretty much everyone in Germany agrees that nothing happened between 1933 and 1945.

To be a good Republican, you have to hate tax cuts for the very first time in history. You also have to pretend that you didn’t get a tax cut. This will be hard, because most Republicans today are either mega-rich or dirt poor inbred trailer trash from Alabama or Kansas. I suggest watching Martha Stewart to figure out how to make your warn out clothes look like they are trash chic–you know, the kind of clothes that really rich yuppies like to wear. Of course being from Oklahoma or Utah, you probably don’t have electricity or television, let alone know who Martha Stewart is. I tell you what, even though it will repulse you, find a gay person and ask for some fashion help.

You also have to pretend that we really are a big tent party, even as—and here’s the tricky part—you enact legislation designed to deny entire group of people their rights. The great thing is that as times change, you can just start to support these groups and deny you ever discriminated. Loving v. Virginia? Wasn’t that an episode of “Gilligan’s Island?” Anti-sodomy laws? Never heard of them. Of course we welcome civil unions, haven’t we always? Gay marriage, oh gosh, where did you get the idea we didn’t approve of that?

You also need to listen to the leaders of the Party and to turn to them for guidance, so that we can deliver a unified message. Of course it all depends on what day of the week it is as to who is the leader of the party. Definitely, if it is Monday through Friday, the leader of the party is Rush Limbaugh. On the weekends, it is a rotating position, shared between whatever minority we can find who can regurgitate whatever bullshit we feed him or her. The rotation usually goes black guy, dumb chick, and Indian guy (aka 7-Eleven Guy). Sometimes we have a washed up has-been whose own moral foibles make him the laughing stock of the nation: read Newt Gingerich or Rudy Giuliani.

You also have to be able to stay the dumbest shit possible with a straight face. Blanca has been doing this for years, so I can give you some pointers. For instance, when asked if the Republican Party is becoming too narrowly focused, and is ignoring larger groups of Americans, just say that yours is the big tent party: the party of freedom. If a rather intelligent reports calls you out on this crap, just break into a song and dance about how tea baggers love freedom, yada yada yada. If you need help on the dance number, think of the “Razzle Dazzle” number from Chicago.

It may be difficult, but if you adhere to these simple rules, you, too, can be a effective Republican, and ride the wave of approval all the way to victory.

Some time by 2038.

Those reliable sources and lauded laureates of conservatism are either dead or irrelevant. William F. Buckley, Jr. died last year, and took with him some of the last shreds of legitimacy the movement had. Ben Stein is either hosting game shows or hocking eye care–the former voice of Nixon relegated to a sound clip played in an infinite loop for the amusement of a generation too young to know who the hell Bueller is.

The mavericks are either pandering to the fringes of the party or espousing ideas of sheer lunacy. Rudy Giuliani, long a champion of gay rights, now opposes same sex marriage in his state of New York. Dr. Ron Paul, the leader of the Revolution movement in 2008, says it’s ok to talk about secession from the Union–a position only 18% of Texans hold.

Everywhere you look, we have been reduced to the fringe and the stupid. If it isn’t tin-foil-hat-wearing tea baggers, it is Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal, reducing the average IQ in the room by offering nothing of value to the converstation.

And when light does appear in the cracks of the veneer of the Republican Party, those who dare an open door are quickly shouted down and laughed out of the room. Meghan McCain offers and vision of the future of the party, which no longer relies on the shrinking base, but instead reaches out a hand to the growing tolerant majorities in this nation, and she is shunned by all.

The few moderate voices in the party are all but silent. A forceful challenge is underway to unseat Arlen Specter in the Pennsylvania Republican primary next year. And if he does manage to placate the Republican core, by opposing Employee Free Choice, he will alienate the moderates and Democrats who have supported him for years and will not survive the general election in 2010. Two last two Republican Senators in New England are now more in danger than a bull moose during hunting season in Maine. Snowe and Collins may not survive another election.

Like the last great days of the Roman Empire, the emperor Rush Limbaugh dances like a silverback gorilla before CPAC, while the rest of the nation laughs at his idiocy. Meanwhile anyone daring to challenge the great orca is forced to grovel and apologize, further ceding all control of the party to those who care nothing for her survival.

Miss California was just a symptom of the greater problem. Like the blond ditz, we will not win any more contests if we continue to spit in the faces of our judges: the voters. As long as we offer no solutions but only more of the same, we will continue to experience the same results.

The writing is on the wall, but as Republicans, we don’t know how to read it, because we ridiculed education and tore down every alternative point of view.

God may have asked George W. Bush to be President, but it seems now He’s pretty much decided that we should remain in the minority until we learn a lesson.

Well, this Republican has learned her lesson. And I’m ready for another chance.

Here’s to Huckabee/Cheney 2012!

It’s like having a conversation with someone with ADD.

What the hell was I talking about?

Oh, yes, Obama is doing too many things.

Look for eight years we were all spoiled. We never had to think about more than one thing at a time. And sometimes we didn’t even have to think about that. Well, most of the time we never had to think about anything. It was like the nation was humming along on autopilot, and the captain was passed out, drunk, on drugs, with the mental capacity of a tin can. It was pure bliss.

But then marches in this Barack Obama, and suddenly we have to pay attention to everything. And to be quite honest we Republicans are just not up to the task. The vacation is over and there’s a new sherrif in town.

And the Republican Party is Barney Fife.

I agree with Senator Kyl. Obama would rather go on the teevee and talk to Leno than deal with the current AIG bonus crisis.

You would never have seen his predecessor do such a callous thing. George W. Bush would never have gone on vacation when presented with a threat from Al Qaeda. He would never have played air guitar as a major American city was drowning. He would never have sat in a classroom filled with his intellectual superiors and read a book about some freaking goat as the nation was under attack.

Senator Kyl was right when he scolded Americans for their mob mentality about the AIG bonuses.

Senator Kyl is now right for scolding President Obama for not taking part in said mob mentality.

And Senator Kyl is right to use a national media outlet to complain that Obama should not use a national media outlet to talk directly to the American people.

Senator John Kyl is the perfect example of why our Republican party is doing so well. I am sure the people of the Arizona Territory are just thrilled to have both him and that brilliant John McCain as their Senators.

And who says desert air desiccates the brain?
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Personally, I could not think of a more colossal waste of time than a massive truth commission. We certainly have more pressing matters to work on right now than who did what, who tortured whom, and who lied about what fictional weapons in order to invade this or that country.

I can think of much better uses of our precious government resources at a time of national emergency.

For instance, we could spend the millions of dollars we would expend on looking into the previous administration by hunting down and prosecuting any person ever photographed either smoking pot or filmed talking about smoking pot. Nothing would do more in the war on drugs than putting every single joker who ever partook in the Mary Jane in jail. Or at least it would teach people not to have pictures taken of them while inhaling.

We could also put all of the government’s resources at our disposal to use investigating various athletes who injected or ingested steroids. With millions of homes in foreclosure, nothing would put the nation to work better than asking A. Rod if he was injecting himself with hormones at the same time he was giving Madonna a hot beef injection. Blanca has heard that steroids shrinks your gonads. She volunteers to personally inspect every single major league baseball player for illegal drug use.

Finally, a much better use of time would be to press charges against any teenager taking nude pictures of himself or herself and sending them over the Internets and putting them on the Facebooks. Nothing helps teens through the difficult and traumatic period of adolescence than throwing their young firm asses in jail and then marking them for life as sex offenders. It sure beats the alternative of frank and open discussions of sexuality and education like they have in that hell hole called Western Europe.

So before we waste any more time and money on investigating Bush, why don’t we first lock up all the stoners who had pictures taken of them inhaling, throw all the athletes boosting their performance with drugs in jail, and lock up all the horney kids out there who just wanted to get a little tail before they end up selling it in the third world to pay for food after the complete collapse of our economy.