But lost in the cacophony of well wishers and benefactors were the lone voices of the Religious Right and Republican Party, as their spokespersons Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh put a human face on the tragedy–albeit crazy, bug-eyed and grotesquely obese faces. Uncle Chuckles, the man to whom God turns when He wants to have a public relations nightmare, laid the blame for this disaster squarely at the feet of the devil-worshipping Haitians for their pact with the Devil to rid their island of the French in the 19th century.

Not to be outdone, Rush “I’m Still Not Dead, no Matter what Blanca DeBree and Wikipedia Say” Limbaugh said that Barack Obama was only rushing to the aid of Haiti because it was an island full of blacks. And when pondering if a fat $400 million-earning child rapist should donate any money to the poorest nation this side of Africa, the human Macy’s Day Parade Balloon said that he already paid his taxes, and that was what government was for.  What a socialist fuck.

The prayer lines have been jammed ever since Robertson claimed to be God’s seismologist. Indeed, CBN has not seen this much traffic since the laughing prophet claimed Katrina was God’s wrath for the sins of New Orleans. The meteorologist to Jesus knew all weather comes as vengeance from God. Strangely Pat “My Milkshake’s Better than Yours” Robertson was silent when hurricanes hit Jesus-fearing states like Texas, South Carolina, and Florida. As the ungayest places on earth saw category four and five storms hit their shores, Robertson was too busy counting his millions to be bothered by irony.

Limbaugh, on the other hand, couldn’t use the tragedy to his benefit fast enough. Taking a break from using the word “Negro,” Limbaugh tried to prove once again he was not a racist by saying the most racist things since Strom Thurmond confessed the “Pecker Shows No Bigotry.”  After offending an entirely new country with his drug-addled thoughts, Limbaugh proceeded to feast upon an unborn fetus as part of his ongoing fetal stem cell therapy to treat his lack of a human soul.

I urge all my readers to call CBN to show their support for Father Robertson. Be sure to ask for a prayer so that Robertson lives an extra long time so we are assured of his wise words for years to come. Anyway, I am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t want him. And why rush the old man to his appointment with the Devil and his anal cattle prod eternal torture?

And as for Rush, please give him a call this week, and let him know how you approve of his using the death of hundreds of thousands to inflate his ego like a cheap Chinese lead-laden penis pump. Since Florida has a large Haitian community, maybe they could go over to his house in the Sunshine “It Does Not Look LIke a Penis” State and show their love for the man. Since Rush is fond of boys from the island, you might want to bring a couple of underage Dominican males with you. Maybe as a treat, they could re-enact the death of Pasolini while they’re at it.

So here’s to Pat and Rush. Thanks again for making sure Born Again Christians and Republicans are always seen as assholes.