Little Rhode Island is now the single holdout in New England, but a bill is in the works to permit lovers of Family Guy, quahogs, and hawt cawfee have the right to get hitched, no matter what their genders.

Governor Lynch had insisted that protections be placed in the bill to shield religious institutions, which did not want to perform or recognize same-sex marriages. Supporters of the bill decried Lynch’s actions as supporting bigotry. Detractors of the bill believed they had finally killed gay marriage in the Granite State, when the state legislature relegated the bill to committee.

People of both sides believed the bill was essentially dead for this session.

But then the legislature very quietly addressed the governor’s concerns, and the bill was sent to him, and he signed it.

Opponents of gay marriage may just want to get their samurai swords ready for the traditional hari kari. The New Hampshire bill may serve as a model for other states, which are speedily passing gay rights measures. No state is immune from this scourge of equality.

In Utah, that home of Mormons, Big Love, and the Osmonds, the former Republican governor Jon Huntsman, Jr., supported civil unions before he was whisked away by President Obama to be Ambassador to China. Nevada just passed “everything but marriage” civil unions for same-sex couples. It seems that some people in Las Vegas finally figured out that in this horrible economy, the only people left who have money are the homos.

All totalled, six states now have gay marriage: Iowa, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Maine. Five additional states offer full privileges to same-sex couples, but just provide a different term called “civil unions:” California, Oregon, New Jersey, Washington, and Nevada. New York and Rhode Island are actively persuing gay marriage. Several other states, including Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, Oregon, and Hawaii are looking at either option. Washington, D.C. and New York both recognize out-of-state gay marriages.

It seems gay people are no longer content with screaming “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” in the streets. Now they send out gilded invitations, make an announcement in the Times, and get registered at Bergdorf-Goodman.

Equality: It’s just not for heteros anymore.

Now that we have seen how easy it is to pass an amendment to your state’s constitution, basically taking away rights guaranteed by other parts of the same document, I would like to offer my suggestion for some amendments I believe have been a long time coming.

One particular bee in my bonnet is old people. Old people just sit around all day, converting oxygen, and creating massive heaps of excrement. In a way, they are not unlike the elephant, that revered symbol of the Republican Party. Come to think of it, they are not that unlike Republicans lately.

They offer nothing to society, other than long irritating stories, which go nowhere. They sit watching television all day, and write letters to the editor complaining about how wonderful life was before they invented writing. In short, they are little more than a key ingredient in Soylent Green.

So I would like to offer an amendment, which would essentially strip them of their rights, so we can just cart them away to basically live out the rest of their lives on some island, far from the rest of us. I am sure the amendment will pass easily, since you only need 50% + 1 to pass in California. There are fewer than 6,000,000 old people in the state with a population of almost 38,000,000.

And once we have gotten rid of all those old people, we can turn our attention to another pressing matter: people with accents. Almost 43% of Californians do not speak English as a first language. I would like to change that. The next amendment I propose would strip them of their citizenship, and make the state a lot more gentle on the ears. I think it’s just great how you don’t have to get a super majority to just rip the rug out from someone in California.

And once we have cleaned up at that noise pollution, then we can really clean up the complexion of California by getting rid of that 39.6% of the population, which is not white. Now we won’t just send them off to some island or strip them of citizenship. Rest assured, that they will continue to be 3/5 people as they become part of the rainbow coalition of slaves working the fields and gardens of California. Isn’t majority tyranny fun?

And one more group will have to go right before we change the name from California to Flower Pot, since Spanish will be illegal. The Mormons have got to go. They make up less than 530,000, so it will be really easy to get this amendment passed. Taking a cue from the Japanese Interment, we’ll just put them in camps and confiscate their property. I’ve had my eye on the three houses from Big Love. I guess we can let Nikki stay, as long as she promises to give free sex shows.

Once again, California, I mean Flower Pot, I want to thank you for showing the rest of the country the way. By the time we are done with that state, it will look like, well, Iowa.

First Massachusetts, then California, then Connecticut, then Iowa, and now Vermont. Sure we managed to fool a lot of black and old people into voting with the heathen Mormons to overturn the gay marriage in California, but it is looking more like that may come to end soon as the California Supremes–not to be confused with the California Raisins–overturn Proposition 8.

The world is coming to an end.

We have a black guy running the country; Europeans love us again; Rush Limbaugh is getting his ass handed to him on his own radio show. I think it’s Rapture Time!

Now for those of you who didn’t know, the Rapture is a participatory sport. You can’t just wait there like some jackass hitching a ride from the Almighty. No, just like the preacher on the teevee says, you have to sow a seed of faith. And just like when God tested Abraham, that seed comes in the form of a 12-gauge shotgun.

Now I can hear all you Christians now. “But isn’t suicide murder?”

Shut up, pussies! If you had had the balls you should’ve this last November, we would be sitting with Sarah Palin in the White House right now, bombing Russia from her front porch and burning books in the back permafrost barbecue. But no, you had to sit this one out, because you weren’t too sure about the old man’s abilities or the Wasilla Hillbilly’s brains. Look, if God had meant the Wicked Ditz of the North to think, he would have put her in a real state, not freakin’ Alaska!

In order to show God that you are Rapture Worthy, you need to help the process along a little. You need to get off your ass and shoot yourself for Jesus! God will be waiting for you on the other side, with his white limo and the heavenly choir.

But I can hear some of you out there saying, “How can I trust you, Blanca? How do you know the time and the place, when it says in the Bible no one will know?”

Look, there you go again with your fancy book lernin’ and fact pushing. Don’t you know a real Christian just feels it from the gut. Just ask Commander Guy. There wasn’t a single fact he knew, but he sure felt something in his gut. It may just have been a coincidence that it usually followed taco night at the Crawford Ranch, but he certainly felt something, and it kept Laura up all night.

The time is nigh! The gays are taking over. Obama is taking your guns. Glenn Beck is going to be arrested. Sean Hannity is going to be torn limb from limb by liberals and their Fairness Doctrine. Rush Limbaugh, well, I am surprised that tub of lard is still breathing considering how umbelievably fat he is. My God, that right there is a sign of the Apocolypse: fat man walking!

So let’s take one for Jesus, folks. Show your faith, and get raptured in the process. Blow your brains out tonight, and by this time tomorrow, we’ll all be having breakfast on the lanai with Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gahndi. Oh wait, he was a Hindu. He’s in Hell. Wait, I think Mother Teresa was a Catholic. I think they go to Hell, too. Well, it will be just us real Christians, having tea and scones.

Are you Rapture Ready?

Tonight, I will focus on the Presidential race.

And to just prove that I am not pulling all this from my ass like my gal pal Ann Coulter and my fuck buddy Sean Hannity do, I am providing pretty graphs, all to prove I know how to post pretty graphs.

Let’s start with the perennial conservative polling outfit Rasmussen Reports.

Currently they have 313 for Obama and 160 for McCain. They have a total of 65 toss ups in this scenario.

While I agree with their status of Missouri, Montana, Indiana, and North Carolina, I think they are being too generous with Florida, and not generous enough with Ohio and Nevada. Florida is a pure toss up, while Ohio and Nevada are leaning very strongly for Obama and Biden.

USA Today is much more conservative with their projection. They are giving Obama just 248 while they give McCain 135.

It is pretty clear that this map is very out of date. USA Today has been very out of sync with the rest of the media this year. If you notice they still have states like New Hampshire, Iowa, Colorado, New Mexico, Arkansas, and Louisiana as toss ups. This is why I only trust the USA Today to catch the poo coming out of my Shiatsu’s ass.

And this brings us to the news outlet of the Tiffiny Network: CBS News.

CBS News has another rather conservative map, which favors McCain, in that it doesn’t afford Obama all the states, which are in all likelihood going to be in Obama’s column in three days. In their scenario, Obama has 259 with McCain coming in at 163. They have 116 toss ups on their map. This is far too many toss ups.

But the important thing you should be taking away from this lesson in clip art and cutting and pasting is what these three maps have in common. Please keep that in mind as we move on in our jaunt through the electoral maps of the news media.

This is CNN’s map. Notice anything interesting? You should. Not only have they added more pretty colors, they also have added shading to indicate how much a particular state is leaning in one candidates favor.

Even though they give Obama a strong advantage with 291 to McCain’s paltry 160, they seem to be less generous with their margins than other outfits.

If you take note, they have Pennsylvania in a lighter shade of blue than New York. Likewise they have Minnesota at a light shade of blue. Meanwhile, Michigan and Illinois are deep blue.

Now I will grant them that Illinois is deep blue, but the polls I have seen have indicated that Minnesota and Michigan are currently in Obama’s camp by the same margin. Likewise, Pennsylvania, although fluctuating, is a pretty safe Democratic state, having last voted for a Republican President in 1988.

Which brings us to MSNBC’s latest map. They, too, seem to think that Pennsylvania is light blue, but look at what else they think is light blue: Michigan.

MSNBC also gives Obama a victory with 286 to McCain’s 163.

But they also have South Dakota as a toss up. At least they don’t have Oregon and Washington in light blue. Considering Oregon is 100% vote by mail, we should know shortly after they stop accepting ballots who the winner is.

RealClearPolitics has another blowout for Obama, even if they are not as generous with Pennsylvania as I think they should be. Obama takes 313 and McCain pulls in 132 with a total of 95 toss ups on their map.

What is important is which states are deep blue for RealClearPolitics. All of the upper Midwest and Great Lakes states are deep blue. If this is true, then why is Pennsylvania light blue? Wouldn’t it be a toss up?

RealClearPolitics has been very good at taking the poll of polls this year, but they sometimes make assumptions, with which I cannot agree.

And this brings us to probably the most convoluted and complicated site on the Internets, FiveThirtyEight. These guys have to be the wonkiest wonks on the Innertubes.

Although their map looks like it was drawn by a spastic drunk three-year-old, they more than make up for crappy refrigerator art with a cool distribution graph, which is the real story of the election.

This guy runs a bunch of simulations all day long, coming up with a thousand different outcomes, graphing probability, and then coming up with a statistical analysis of who will win on November 4. In other words, this guy lives in his mother’s basement and has no sex life. But I have to admire his spunk. Oh, that might have been a poor choice of words considering how he spends the rest of his day when not running electoral simulations.

I also have to love his pie charts. Mmmm, pie. They are so simple, even a West Virginian could understand them, albeit they use decimals and percentages, which are usually above the third grade education required for incest and snake handling.

Do you think I am making any fans in the Mountain State with my sharp witticism? Oh, for you people from West Virginia, that means humor.

No matter how you slice it–West Virginians, this is what is called a pun–Obama comes up the winner on this guy’s site. But what I find most interesting is how he treats each of the states with subtle shading, indicating how much they lean for one candidate or another.

According to this guy, Pennsylvania is deep blue, just like the rest of the Northeast, or as this guy calls them, the Acela States. Note to my new friends from West Virginia, the Acela is a train. A train is like a car, but on rails. If you can find an intact book not currently being used to wipe your ass in an outhouse, it might have a picture of one.

Damn, I’m a bitch.

Finally we have Electoral-Vote, who has Obama at 353 and McCain at 185. His map uses less shading than outlines and colors. His map is probably the most generous to both Obama and Mccain, as he doesn’t really believe in a toss up.

Once again we have Pennsylvania in deep blue. This time, New Mexico is also deep blue. Add to that the quartet of Ohio, Virginia, Nevada, and Colorado in light blue, and it is clear Obama is ahead.

If one thing is clear from surfing all of these sites, it is that Obama is way ahead, and McCain is screwed. Now he knows how his first wife must have felt when he left her for the beer bitch.

Averaging out these maps, and adding my patented genius, Blanca has come up with two maps. The first is the worst case scenario, while the second is the bestest of all possible outcomes for Mr. Obama. Let’s visit the worst case scenario first.

As you can see, in this bummer for Obama, he still walks away with 273 to McCain’s 265, and Michelle is picking out new china patterns while Cindy is smashing every plate in the hutch. Well, at least she can take solace in all those prescription drugs she steals from her charity.

This makes a couple of assumptions. First, that all the leaners are going to go for McCain. It also assumes that anything Kerry had in 2004 is safe. I think this is a good assumption. To believe in a year in which red states are falling into the Obama camp some blue states would turn red is not just fantasy, it is retarded. Not Sarah Palin retarded but Trig Palin retarded. Man, I really need to work on those anger management issues.

Now let’s assume everything goes super for Obama on November 4, and the landslide everyone expects occurs. My best case scenario is even more generous than anyone else’s. And I will tell you why.

If the groundswell is taking place in places like Indiana and Missouri to make them possibly blue, then Montana, the Dakotas, both Virginias, and Georgia are blue. I throw in Arizona and Arkansas just to piss off McCain.

Now somewhere between these two is going to be the results on November 4, 2008. Blanca is going to go out on a limb and predict that the final Electoral College count will be between 350 and 400 for Barack Obama. I think America will give Obama something Bush hasn’t has since his fraternity days: a mandate!

Don’t forget to watch Saturday Night Live tonight. John McCain will be rearing his ugly, tumor-filled head like Putin over the steppes of Alaska. I also have an inkling Obama may just show up unannounced. It should be real fun.

On the opposite side of the aisle and evolutionary tract, if such a thing existed, is John McCain with everyone’s favorite Überjude and E.T. lookalike, Joe Lieberman. McCain could not be reached for comment, as he was busy sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, yelling at the neighbor children who were in his petunia patch.

Lieberman, however, stated that there are Democrats crossing the aisle to join McCain. When asked what the term is for a McCain Democrats, Lieberman replied “retarded.”

This is just getting downright depressing. It is hopeless. Four years ago the Religious Right were clawing over each other to get to the polls to give us four more years of Commander Guy. Now, they are reduced to praying for inclement weather. With just 84 days left until the general election, only a miracle could get us out of this mess.

May I suggest to the dickweeds praying for a drizzle that they pray for McCain to drop dead? I mean Pat Robertson opened the door with the Supremes, so why not with Johnny Boy? If you need some motivation, I might even make my own video just like that yahoo made for Fucus on the Family.

It would just be a shame if Rudy had to drop out of the race. I was so looking forward to bashing him throughout the winter months. If Rudy quits, I will have to make due with making Thompson feel inadequate. But that’s just not a challenge anymore.

Many people are asking how it came to this. At the beginning, it looked like it was going to be a Clinton-Giuliani match up. Then we thought that Clinton was going to go down in flames after Iowa. But now it looks like Clinton may be on a roll. Her party is beginning to take a second look at her, and are realizing she is almost unbeatable. Any candidate who can get the geriatric masses out to vote in New Hampshire is certainly going to carry such gray states as Florida, Arizona, and New Mexico.

And when we were setting her up against Rudy, it looked like Rudy might be able to pull it off. He could carry all those liberal states, and as a Republican, he could carry the swing states. But he just couldn’t make the sale to all of us real Republicans, you know the ones: Bush lovers (not lesbo Bush, but Presidential Bush), gun lovers (not the penis kind, but the rifle kind), homo hating (unless the homo is kind of hot), and abortion hating (unless it is me who needs one). The honeymoon was over before anybody had removed his pants.

So here we are. It’s only January, and it looks like we may have to say goodbye to Rudy. Well, Fred Thomspon’s website, here I come. Get ready to be served!

This brings the total to two on the side of the Democrats and none on the side of the Republicans. Although for McCain and Thompson to drop out would be considered redundant, since they are so close to the grave, anyway, that quitting makes little difference.

On the lighter side, Senator Chris Dodd has now dropped out of the race, becoming the first casualty of Iowa. For the time being, all the other candidates are still in place.

Surprisingly, Ron Paul managed to just eke out double digits. Personally I did not think this many people in Iowa had access to the Internets.

There may be hope for Fred Thompson, however I am sure he will suddenly find his inner laziness and fuck it up.

The former fat man sings!

To quote Ducey from Fox and Friends, this is HUGE! Next stop New Hampshire!