God bless Michelle Bachman. Without her on our side, Republicans like Michael Steele, Michael Savage, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Jon Kyl, and Orin Hatch would seem crazy. She lowers the bar just enough that everyone else can pass, no matter how insane or dangerous. She and Norm Coleman are two reasons to love Minnesota.
About Barack Obama
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

But Mike’s thunder was recently taken from him by accusations from the FBI that he gave his sister $37,000 to perform a non-existent job for his nearly non-existent senate campaign in 2006. No one would have made a fuss, perhaps, if Mike hadn’t been so miserably beaten by another black guy. Note to Republicans: stop running black folk against Democrat blacks. It seems no one is fooled by this tactic anymore. In fact, I think we have Obama as President due to a miserable run by Alan Keyes in 2004.

Michael Steele has this job as Chairman of the RNC thanks to Affirmative Action. Just like Barack Obama, he is now in charge solely because of his race. Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage were right. Michael Steele was elected because white people were too scared to vote against him. But in our case, it was not due to some sort of white guilt. We Republicans don’t feel guilt about anything. No, in our case, it was out of fear that some black hoodlums would rob us if we didn’t vote for one of their own.

A lot of far more qualified corrupt white people were passed over for this job so Michael Steele could get it.

Sarah Palin, whose qualifications include hunting alces and lupus, running a state with fewer people than any other state except Wyoming and Delaware, and having state troopers fired, would have made a fine Chairperson.

Michelle Bachman, who thinks people are out to get her, is afraid of a lightbulb conspiracy, and who actually made the even nuttier Minnesotan politician Jesse “The Body” Ventura seem reasonable, could have done a great job lining her pockets while running the party into the ground.

Even our beloved Commander Guy, who was recently made unemployed by another black guy, would have done for our party what he did for the country.

But no, we had to go and get the black guy.

I think we need to replace Michael Steele with someone not so pigmentally challenged. Like the Indian said in Blazing Saddles, “Have you ever in Deinem Leben? Our guy is darker than Barack!”

Recently some people have accused Blanca DeBree of being a racist. Well if I can paraphrase President John F. Kennedy, if not liking black people, Jews, Mexicans, gays, and Muslims makes me a racist, then I proudly say “I am a Republican.”

The Republican Party, bringing you institutionalized racism since 1970!

Ann has been doing the talk show circuit promoting her new book Guilty. She has been assailing anyone not nailed down, and has been exposing herself in the process. And when I say “exposing,” I don’t mean that she is flashing her junk all over the place. She only does that after a couple of Flirtinis. But let me reassure you that I have seen her package. The only person out there with smaller huevos is Michael “the Wiener” Savage.

But even I was shocked to hear her finally admit on live television what I and my puki pal Michelle Malkin have known for years. Ann Coulter is really a guy.

When she blurted it out on Lou Dobbs last night, even I did a spit take. I kept hearing Mike Myers as Austin Powers screaming in my head “it’s a man, baby.”

Ann and I are very close. She calls me the “B-Word”–short for Blanca–and I call her the “C-Word”–short for cunt. We share good times and bad times, and have passed around the occaisional man. But lately I have been worried about her mental state.

Her appearance is getting more and more grotesque as the days go on. I knew the election of Barack Obama, or B. Hussein Obama as she likes to call him, would send her off the deep end. I mean I knew she was putting on the makeup with a trowel like a drag queen trollop, but I never guessed she would go and out herself on live televison like that. I mean she did everything but hike up her skirt to show everyone her bait and tackle.

Ann, I am talking to you now. It is time you got yourself some help. Everyone is laughing at you. Queens in the Village are dressing up as you and Sarah Palin for Halloween. True conservatives are whispering behind your back and using you as a scapegoat for all of our woes these days. Get yourself on a couch, before they lock you up. And when I say “couch,” I don’t mean with your legs behind your head in the position you like to call “ankles to Jesus.”

Time is running out. If you don’t go voluntarily, they will do it for you. And how are you going to write any muckracking screeds with a crayon? Because you know that is all they are going to give you on the inside. They don’t even let you have safety razors in the cuckoo’s nest. And once you are off your hormones, that five o’clock shadow will return. Then that will be the end of your career, honey. After all, who wants to get their right wing talking points from a dude with a beard in a beaten up black cocktail dress?

According to Michael “I’m No Longer a Wiener” Savage, 99% of all children with autism are just brats and just need a good smack to snap them out of it. I couldn’t agree more!

A little child abuse goes a long way. Sometimes smacking the shit out of children teaches them valuable life lessons, like pain, fear, and Daddy is dangerous when he smells like Glenlivet.

Some of our greatest leaders were abused as children. Commander Guy’s Mommy often hurled empty Jack Daniels bottles at her kids after tying one on. And look how great the Decider turned out! Sure, he tortured animals as a boy, but that was just to prepare him to torture children as a man.

There are people out there who are threatening to boycott the advertisers on Savage’s show and have made calls to get him thrown off the air. This is just liberal clap trap! Liberals hate freedom and free speech! I mean when was the last time you heard conservatives bitch and complain about free speech?

Dr. Savage is right! You should support him completely! You can show your support by not only purchasing crap from his advertisers, but also by taking his advice and deal with an autistic brat, yourself. Smack an autistic child today! You can start with Mrs. Wiener’s little boy.

This time around, Rush is promising to infiltrate the Democrat party with his operatives, who will sow disarray and discontent among the ranks of the oldest political party in the nation.

Excuse me, genius, but when was the last time you didn’t see the Democrat party in disarray and discontent? Why do you think they chose the Jackass as their mascot? You can lead a Democrat to the polls, but you can’t get him to vote.

But with your winning streak and impeccable record of being the giant overpaid douche bag of the right, I don’t think you will succeed like you think. In fact, my fat little Oxycontin friend, I think this will back fire just like that little stunt you pulled in Mississippi. Thank you very much, dick head!

Just imagine what will happen when your followers attend meetings and begin to demand platforms, which are against the Democrat party line. In blue states, they will be beaten to a pulp, ridden out of town on a rail (as opposed to being ridden in a sling like you are used to), and general booed down and tossed out.

In the red states, it will have the opposite effect, drawing more conservative voters to the Democrat candidates, making them seem reasonable and the party of life, low taxes, and gay bashing. And before you know it, the trifecta of misery will be just a prelude to a world of pain this fall.

I know you said you were no longer going to carry water for this party after the 2006 elections,
but you don’t have to try to water board it. Not only will I continue to carry water for this party and my President, I will continue to pass water, too. In fact, many Congressmen and Senators like that kind of thing. And I am happy to oblige them–at least the straight ones. The gay ones can continue to have Michael Savage and Sean Hannity piss all over them in public restrooms.

Hey, Rush, do Commander Guy a great big favor and defect to Al Qaeda. With friends like you, who needs incompetent enemies.

Blanca would like to find such work, sitting on her fat ass all day, breathing into the microphone like it was a blowup sex doll, and masturbating with Dominican cigars relabeled to make it look like they came from Cuba. Nice work if you can get it. And to top it all off, you don’t have to worry about fact checking or integrity. All you have to do is pull it out your ass.

Come to think of it, that is what I do on the Blancasphere every day.

But I ain’t getting $400 million. It just ain’t fair!

Then again, just imagine how poor Michael Medved or Michael Savage feel. Not only are they getting screwed, but they both have to live with themselves as anti-Semitic Jews. It must really suck. Just like Limbaugh does to Guatemalan boys.

So if any of my readers have connections at Clear Channel, I would appreciate your putting in a good word for me. I think I could do just as good a job as Rush, and I am a better looking girl, to boot. I even have a name for my fans. Instead of Ditto Heads, I would call them Blanc Heads.

Come on Clear Channel! What does Rush have that I don’t have? We both distort the truth. We both live in our own fantasy worlds. We both are rabid right wingers. We both have vajayjays–or at least mine is real, and his is just the result of undescended testicles and a shriveled penis. And we are both high–me on life, him on every drug known to man.

Reverse psychology was such a mainstay of the Dr. Phil’s of the 1970’s, you know Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Spock (not the Vulcan, but the real doctor), and Dr. J. Actually, I am not sure about the last one. I remember there was something about Dr. J and lots and lots of sexual exploration. Oh, wait. I’m thinking of Wilt Chamberlain. You know, Blanca was born 15 years too late. I could have tapped me some of that. But I digress.

All the pundits on the right from Sean Hannity to Michael Savage are pushing Mitt Romney over the imminently more electable John McCain. Now I know, if you have read my blog, you know that I despise John McCain.

Oh, really?

Or could it be that I am taking part in the vast right wing conspiracy of reverse psychology? Well, I’ll never tell.

In order to understand reverse psychology, you have to understand games of skill, like chess, poker, or dwarf tossing. You see in order to force your opponent to pick B you make him believe you want him to choose A. He will then pick B just to piss you off. You get what you want, and your opponent feels all superior until he figures out how you screwed him over. Genius.

We all know John McCain is loved by Democrats and Independents alike. Just like Joe Lieberman. Show me one Democrat who doesn’t love Holy Joe. Times up. Put down the pencil. Damn it, I’m not kidding.

We know Mittens can’t possibly win. The cult thing, the magic underpants, for Christ’s sake, “Big Love!” I mean who do you think made sure “Big Love” was on the roster at HBO in 2008? Come on, you have to give the vast right wing some credit. I mean we do have Rupert Murdoch, don’t we?

And we know that Huckabee is too religious for anyone’s taste. I mean I love me so Huckster like nobody’s business. In fact, I would go down on the Huckster tonight if he asked me. Come on, Hucky, give Blanca a call. She’s horny and hasn’t had any since the first Bush administration.

So we are pushing McCain. We are selling McCain by telling everyone we can’t stand him. If you think we are going to sit at home or vote for Hillary instead of McCain, all you Independents and Democrats in the open primaries will hand him to us on a silver platter. Genius.

And all those nasty things being said about Barack Obama. That is just part of the game.

According to the National Journal, a fine publication I use to pick up my dog’s shit every morning, Barack Obama is the most liberal senator of 2007. Now maybe it’s just me, but I would think the openly Socialist Bernie Sanders would rank higher. And maybe it’s just a coincidence that same esteemed literary journal found John Kerry the most liberal senator of 2003. Things that make you go Hmmm.

And then there is that little screed in that most fair and balanced publication, The Washington Times. It seems Mr. Obama wants to decriminalize marijuana. My, how that just made you not want to vote for him, didn’t it. Lucky for you, you didn’t bother to take the fifteen seconds required to search for what it really means on the Internets. I mean lucky for us, your friendly Republican Party. It’s fun to play with words. It’s so Orwellian. I mean so Frank Luntz.

But my favorite subterfuge of this political season is my gal pal, Ann Coulter. She says she will support Hillary if John McCain wins. What does this do? Well, it gets all of your Independents and Democrats to support either John McCain or Hillary in your primary, thinking we will get a Democrat in the White House in 2008. My, you really are stupid, aren’t you. Then again, I guess that is why “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader” is such a hit on Fox.

Reverse psychology is fun. We get what we want, and you get screwed. I’m looking forward to four more years of the same old same old. It has made Blanca a very rich girl. A very rich and very lonely girl. Come on Huckster, call me!

As I ran up and down the dial, the four hour time difference between Hawaii and home forced me to listen to personalities I would not normally pay the time of day. While I occasionally enjoy listening to Glenn Beck, who after all is only saying what we are thinking–you know how the country is being taken over by Negroes and how evil it is to provide health care to lazy undeserving children–I don’t usually listen to Michael Savage.

There is something about Michael Savage, which makes me uneasy. I’m not sure if it is rabid homophobia, which is meant to mask his own sexual predilections, or if it is his constant blabbering about plants. But this guy really makes feel nauseous.

If it’s not his blatant attacks on our beloved Commander Guy, it is his adoration of Mr. Magic Underpants. There is nothing about this guy which is right. While I appreciate his hatred for John McCain, I cannot abide by his terrible maligning of our genius Decider.

Today was the latest, and possibly worst, example of this putrid hatred for Dear Leader. He called George W. Bush, 43, Commander Guy, the Decider, a socialist! Now anyone who knows anything about socialism knows there is nothing social about Commander Guy, except for a brief history of diseases revolving around a couple of cat houses in New Orleans in the early 1970’s.

Not only that, but the man went on a long, one-hour tirade about dinosaurs and the different ages in which they “lived.” The man was practically indoctrinating children to the fable of evolution. Now I ask you, what kind of conservative believes in evolution? It’s pure fantasy like global warming, the big bang, objects falling at 32 ft/sec/sec.

How dare he! How very dare he!

Michael Savage is not a conservative. He is not a real right winger. He is just a closeted, hate-filled hack, who doesn’t love our beloved 43, 41, or even 40! If you lift his skirt, you will find a vicious liberal and an idiot in commentator’s clothing.

And as an aside: I’m not exactly sure which ones Michael would sleep with. He seems to bat for the other team, if you get my drift. But those are just the rumors I’ve heard on the Internets and seen written on all those men’s rooms stalls I encountered when doing my investigative reports about Larry Craig. But I digress.

So I have come up with a handy questionnaire to see who should be Evil and who should be Good. I am going to start handing these things out so I know where to put everyone on my list.

1. Do you love Commander Guy?
2. Do you love Joe Lieberman, even though he’s a Jew, and makes you all uncomfortable with the whole Hanukkah thing?
3. Do you love the War on Terrah?
4. Do you think Ron Paul is on crack?
5. Do you think Mike Huckabee is the bestest choice to be the new Decider?
6. Do you think Mitt Romney not only is a bad Republican but is also going to Hell?
7. Do you think Rudy Giuliani is like a cute child, better seen and not heard?
8. Do you think the VD (Vice Decider) is a lovable, misunderstood guy?

If you answered yes to all the above questions, you are a Gooddoer. If you answered no to any of the questions, you are an Evildoer.

We owe them a debt of gratitude for supporting our brave President’s veto, even though it meant children will have to do without. It takes a tough man to say “fuck you” to little children.

As a gesture of our gratitude to the members of Congress who upheld Commander Guy’s veto, we must all, as a nation give the Republican members of Congress something they can use.

Now, I know what you are thinking: four more years? Right? Well, not exactly. You see, I know the Republicans are all avid gardeners. They have been for years. They love to toil in the flower beds, raise legumes, and nurture prize-winning fruits and vegetables. And like all gardeners, they know the value of fertilizer. And what makes the best fertilizer? Manure.

Any good gardener knows that he has to shovel a lot of shit to create a masterpiece garden. And we Republicans have been awfully good at shoveling shit over the years. It was this love of gardening and the need to shovel shit, that made us so Machiavellian at shoveling the shit to voters every two to four years. One could say we invented the shit piling.

So I urge every American to show their thanks for the Republicans in Congress who showed us that ideology is more important than substance, that is better a million children go without coverage than a single smoker have to pay a tax, that is better to slime and destroy a child than to make a valid argument in support of your viewpoint. Give each Republican in Congress who supported Bush’s veto what he or she desperate needs as a shit-shoveling gardener. Send in your used diapers to show them we appreciate their stance (give several to Senator Craig, since he has a wide stance).

And of course the best shit shovelers have been the talking heads and pundits of the Right, like Rush Limbuagh, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Michael Medved, Michael Savage, Dr. Laura, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and Melanie Morgan. To these you must send in your used adult diapers. This gives these pundits the extra shit they need to continue to shovel the shit out, 24-7.

For a full list of those who voted so bravely in the House, and for the Senate, don’t forget the extra stamps and keep the weight under 16 ounces so you can mail your package from any mailbox.

And like those two make-believe wine makers of the past, we thank you for your support.