As a conservative, gay marriage is a hot button issue, more than any other issue out there.  It has been proven time and time again how gay marriage leads to promiscuity, higher divorce rates, and more broken marriages.  By supporting homosexuality, the state is promoting sin and destroying traditional marriage, which has existed for thousands of years.

Of course, the statistics I use to show how gay marriage is causing an increase in divorce rates are from the same group who says the United States has the best health care system in the world, we pay the highest corporate taxes, and there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.  But as long as you don’t scrutinize the facts, the argument stands up pretty well.

And the idea that state is promoting sin by supporting gay marriage is based solely on the Bible.  There are a lot of things listed in the Bible as sins.  But let’s choose to ignore these.  We all like shell fish too much to take all the things in the Bible seriously.  And who wants to get stoned for mixing fabrics?  And God knows, if any of us had to pass the virgin test, we’d all be killed on the spot.

Naturally the promise to support Maine’s Yes vote on Prop 1 by spending a family vacation in Maine is a hollow one.  Conservatives don’t go to New England for holiday.  They travel to the Holy Land in Orlando, Florida or visit Branson, Missouri, where they can be assured wholesome, family entertainment, free of sex, violence, and excitement.  So even though none of us on the right will ever make good on our promise to spend time in Vacationland, it is the thought that counts.

And the promise to financially support Maine is nothing more than an unfunded mandate.  None of the marchers in Washington–birthers, tea baggers, Constitutionalists, Libertarians, or Republicans–has a dime to his name right now.  Paying exorbitant premiums and co-pays on health insurance coupled with the expense of magic markers and poster board has left all of us broke and incapable of affording a dictionary, let alone anything from the great state of Maine.

We may pledge to buy lobster, or beer, or funny moose hats, but to tell the truth, we are too busy eating government cheese, going to food pantries, and getting food stamps to have time to buy any food from Maine.  Besides, that would cut into our protests against government handouts.  In between our visits to the Medicare office and our tea parties decrying medical socialism, we have a full schedule and can’t really be bothered with supporting our allies.

And are you really our allies, anyway?  Didn’t you support civil unions before you went all gung ho on the gay marriage thing?  Why should we bother to support you,  after you elected not only one but two of the worst RINO’s in the history of the party?  Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins make a mockery of the Republican party and all that is conservative.

And while we are at it, wasn’t it your Republican governor who signed this gay marriage bill into law in the first place?  I mean if you honestly want to know, I think you were asking for this.  I don’t think our support for Maine can be all that strong in light of these liberals running amok in your state.

Come to think of it, I don’t think you really can count on anything any of us pledge at this point.  I mean look at how we abandoned California after they voted Yes on Prop 8.  The state is now bankrupt, selling their inventory on e-Bay, and closing everything but Arnold Schwarzenneger’s mouth.  If we really had cared about eliminating gay marriage, don’t you think we would have used our vast resources to help bail out the state by spending some Christian dollars in the Golden State?

You know, if you really want to see some financial win from your vote on Prop 1, you probably should vote No.  It’s not like a bunch of fundamentalist Christians are going to be knocking down your door asking to get married next to a stuffed moose.  But gay people will.  I hear they are already planning to come to Maine and spend hundreds of dollars per couple, watching the sunrise, hiking the mountains, and enjoying cheap lobster from a road side stand or gas station.

Some of them will spend thousands of dollars getting married, with or without the stuffed moose.  And of course they will not only bring themselves, but their friends and families to partake in the ceremonies.  The influx from tourism and marriage could equate to millions of dollars at a time when the state is most susceptible to budget cuts.

But I’m sure none of that concerns you.  You would rather put your faith behind a bunch of faithless valueless voters, who will make pie in the sky promises of vacations and purchases to come, which never materialize.  As we forget about Maine by mid November, we will be on to the next state, which has the gall to promote equality.  The Maggie Gallaghers and NOMs will leave behind a spoiled landscape, resembling Woodstock after the concert.

Sure, you will be left high and dry, but you will be left high and dry with the satisfaction that you not only stood up for what was right, but you stood against what was wrong.  Remember, if good people like those who will vote Yes on Prop1 had had their way without the meddling Supreme Court, activist judges, or legislatures, the world would be a much better and holier place today.  And none of us would have to contend with gay marriage, interracial marriage, blacks voting, women voting, or slaves being free.

Remember, equality is gay.

While some in the battle for marriage equality appear to be not only suspicious of Ted Olson’s ulterior motives but also fear that pushing the case in federal court will harm gay marriage, others continue to scratch their heads at the unlikely pair, the Odd Couple of the Law.

Blanca has put on her legal cap, which really nothing more than a nightcap in the middle of the afternoon–here’s to the three-martini lunch–and analyzed what is behind this legal tag team.

First, I do not believe that Ted Olson is interested in gay marriage, although I think he looks pretty gay, if you ask me, even if he is now on his fourth wife. On the contrary, I believe the conservative former Solicitor General is more interested in derailing gay marriage by pushing it through the federal courts, and ultimately the Supreme Court of the United States, before sufficient ground work has been placed, and before Obama has the chance to replace some of the more fossilized Supremes appointed under Ford and Reagan.

Second, I think those fearing the Supreme Court will ultimately uphold Proposition 8 do not understand how little damage this does to gay marriage. If the Justices agreed with the decision of the California Supreme Court, no state currently permitting gay marriage would be forced to then ban the practice. The decision would lie completely with the States, and the status quo would be maintained.

Third, there is no reason to believe the United States Supreme Court would even hear the case. The last time this issue was before the court was 1970, and the Court refused to even hear the case.

Fourth, even if the Court did decide to hear the case, there is little reason to believe that the outcome would vary much from Lawrence v. Texas, in which the court decided 6 to 3 to strike down sodomy laws. Of course three of the Justices hearing that case in 2003 will no longer be on the bench by the time an appeal of this case reaches the highest court in the land. O’Connor has already retired, replaced by Alito by President George W. Bush. Renquist died, and was replaced by Roberts, also by President George W. Bush. Souter is retiring, and presumably will be replaced by Sonja Sotomayor, whom President Barack Obama assures the left is just more of the same as Souter, who turned out to be a bit of a progressive after he was appointed by President George H. W. Bush. But essentially the mix of the court will remain as it did under the sodomy case, with Kennedy being the swing vote.

Fifth, and most importantly, I believe in elaborate ruses. Granted the Right has been rudderless for several years, and even when we were stearing in one direction or the other, those at the helm were generally drunk with either power or enough near beer to knock out an elephant. But this may ultimately be just an orchestrated way to place the matter of gay marriage back in the hands of the Congress in the form of a federal gay marriage ban.

President Obama has pledged to overhaul or weaken The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), even though he seems to no longer support a complete repeal. Even if DOMA remains, if the Court decides that state bans against gay marriage are unconstitutional, then the only recourse for conservatives will be a federal amendment to the United States Constitution banning same-sex marriage.

Suddenly there will be new life in the Conservative Movement, which lately has resembeled more of a bowel movement. But time is of the essence, and this simple fact shows why Ted Olson is bringing this case before the federal appeals courts at this time.

Put simply, old folks are dying out. Younger people support gay marriage much more than older people. And as the older folks bite the big one, and as more people live with the reality of gay marriage in states like Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, and as more states move closer to legalizing the practice, such as New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Maryland, Washington D.C., Hawaii, California and Illinois, there will be less fear of gay marriage, and therefore less support for a federal ban.

Pat Robertson is not getting any younger. Jerry Falwell is dead. That creepy dude who wants to shower naked with your son is now basically powerless. Cultural shifts and time are not on the side of those who would like to keep gay marriage illegal.

It really is just a matter of time. Just as merely 42 years ago Barack Obama’s mother and father could not have been married in Virginia, 42 years from now Mary Cheney will be married to Heather Poe, and they two will be torturing people from an undisclosed location as Vice President and Second Lady of the United States.

First Maine became the fifth state to recognize same sex marriage. The House and Senate of Maine passed the marriage equality bill and sent it to the Governor for his signature. The Democrat said he believed that marriage was between a man and a woman, but to everyone’s surprise, he signed the bill. But the act is not as courageous as it may seem. Maine has a voter recall option.

If you gather the signatures of 10% of the voters in the last governor’s election, then you can create a referendum on any law passed by the legislature. It may not seem a tall order to gather 55,000 signatures in 90 days, but Maine has a way or surprising the GOP time and time again.

Not to be outdone, New Hampshire sent a bill to the governor’s desk for gay marriage later in the week. The governor promised to have a decision on the bill, but has been mum on the subject. He also believes that it is wrong to redefine marriage as between one bored miserable man and an unfufilled miserable woman. But New Hampshire permits the governor to do nothing for five business days, allowing a bill to become law without a signature. What do they pay him for, then? I think the governor of Texas does even more than that. I mean the job of cleaning up the cocaine left behind by the Bush when he vacated his office in 2001 is a full-time job in of itself.

Then the National Guard decided that it was a bit more important to throw tax payer’s dollars down the drain than deal with a homo–a fluent Arabic-speaking homo. What the fuck do we need Arabic speakers for, anyway? It’s not like we went on some adventure in an Arabic-speaking country.

Lieutenant Dan Choi, a West Point graduate, and Arabic linguist, appeared on the Rachel Maddow show and confessed that he likes the cock. I mean the whole gay thing creeps me out as a conservative Republican (unless I have had a couple of martinis and my gal pal Ann Coulter suggests we swap underwear), but I think I have to agree to Barry Goldwater on this one.

Finally, an actor who starred in the long-running 1970’s comedy M*A*S*H came out of the closet. Strangely, it is not Jamie Farr, who played the cross-dressing Klinger. It was David Ogden Stiers, who played the staunch Charles Emerson Winchester III. It must have been all the gay marriage in Massachusetts, which did it. After all, his character was from Boston.

In the coming days a decision is expected from the California Supreme Court on Proposition 8. Even if the measure is upheld, the passage of gay marriage by three New England states and the crushing econmy may give the California legislature the political cover it needs to pass a similar law. The voters may once again decide on gay marriage in California by proposition as early as 2010.

First Massachusetts, then California, then Connecticut, then Iowa, and now Vermont. Sure we managed to fool a lot of black and old people into voting with the heathen Mormons to overturn the gay marriage in California, but it is looking more like that may come to end soon as the California Supremes–not to be confused with the California Raisins–overturn Proposition 8.

The world is coming to an end.

We have a black guy running the country; Europeans love us again; Rush Limbaugh is getting his ass handed to him on his own radio show. I think it’s Rapture Time!

Now for those of you who didn’t know, the Rapture is a participatory sport. You can’t just wait there like some jackass hitching a ride from the Almighty. No, just like the preacher on the teevee says, you have to sow a seed of faith. And just like when God tested Abraham, that seed comes in the form of a 12-gauge shotgun.

Now I can hear all you Christians now. “But isn’t suicide murder?”

Shut up, pussies! If you had had the balls you should’ve this last November, we would be sitting with Sarah Palin in the White House right now, bombing Russia from her front porch and burning books in the back permafrost barbecue. But no, you had to sit this one out, because you weren’t too sure about the old man’s abilities or the Wasilla Hillbilly’s brains. Look, if God had meant the Wicked Ditz of the North to think, he would have put her in a real state, not freakin’ Alaska!

In order to show God that you are Rapture Worthy, you need to help the process along a little. You need to get off your ass and shoot yourself for Jesus! God will be waiting for you on the other side, with his white limo and the heavenly choir.

But I can hear some of you out there saying, “How can I trust you, Blanca? How do you know the time and the place, when it says in the Bible no one will know?”

Look, there you go again with your fancy book lernin’ and fact pushing. Don’t you know a real Christian just feels it from the gut. Just ask Commander Guy. There wasn’t a single fact he knew, but he sure felt something in his gut. It may just have been a coincidence that it usually followed taco night at the Crawford Ranch, but he certainly felt something, and it kept Laura up all night.

The time is nigh! The gays are taking over. Obama is taking your guns. Glenn Beck is going to be arrested. Sean Hannity is going to be torn limb from limb by liberals and their Fairness Doctrine. Rush Limbaugh, well, I am surprised that tub of lard is still breathing considering how umbelievably fat he is. My God, that right there is a sign of the Apocolypse: fat man walking!

So let’s take one for Jesus, folks. Show your faith, and get raptured in the process. Blow your brains out tonight, and by this time tomorrow, we’ll all be having breakfast on the lanai with Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gahndi. Oh wait, he was a Hindu. He’s in Hell. Wait, I think Mother Teresa was a Catholic. I think they go to Hell, too. Well, it will be just us real Christians, having tea and scones.

Are you Rapture Ready?

All during the election, issues on the gay lifestyle were hidden deep on the BarackObama.com website. Obama cleverly concealed his commitment to the gayists by using code words, like pride and LBGT. We conservatives don’t understand what those words mean. We would have to actually personally know some gay people to be clued in on these terms. And if there is one thing you can be sure of, we conservatives don’t know dick about being gay.

According to his web site, Barack Obama and Joe Biden are fully supporting ending discrimination against the homos in the workplace:

Barack Obama supports the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, and believes that our anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity. While an increasing number of employers have extended benefits to their employees’ domestic partners, discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace occurs with no federal legal remedy. Obama also sponsored legislation in the Illinois State Senate that would ban employment discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

If you can’t fire someone for being gay, what can you fire them for, gross negligence and incompetence? If that’s the case, most Republicans like me would be out of a job in a week! Now what kind of world do we want to live in where people are hired and fired according to their skills and abilities?

This country is going to hell in a hand basket with everyone getting rights. First we couldn’t fire women for having tits. Then it was all those black people wanting the “right” to work, and get paid for it! Then it was all those gimps in the wheelchairs. And now, the homos want a job.

But Obama doesn’t stop there. He goes on to support and end to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which has resulted in the discharge of about 12,000 gays from the military:

Barack Obama agrees with former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili and other military experts that we need to repeal the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited. The U.S. government has spent millions of dollars replacing troops kicked out of the military because of their sexual orientation. Additionally, more than 300 language experts have been fired under this policy, including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. Obama will work with military leaders to repeal the current policy and ensure it helps accomplish our national defense goals.

Now if you ask me, asking and telling will lead to all kinds of terrible consequences. For instance, if the military hadn’t had the wisdom to discharge all those gay Arabic translators, we might never have had all this fun over the past five years trying to figure out what the hell people were yelling before we blew them away in a hail of gun fire. Good times.

But perhaps the most disturbing all of all the support Barack Hussein Obama bin Laden Stalin Lenin Trotsky has given to the so-called gay community–I say so-called, because they certainly don’t seem that happy after Proposition 8–is his support for civil unions granting gay couples the same federal rights as straight ones:

Barack Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.

Now I ask you, if we settle this whole gay marriage thing, granting them the rights they want, while preserving the institution of marriage as between one man and one woman, what the hell are we Republicans going to use to scare the shit out of dumb in-bred shotgun-humping retards from the Ozarks? I mean if they gays get what they wanted in the first place, and the church gets what it wanted all along, where is the strife? Where is the fun? Where are the wedge issues we can use to win elections when we have no ideas, no plans for the future, and no vision, other than how to rake you bozos over the coals every chance we get?

This is the kind of radical liberal change we warned you about, but did you listen? So here we have the end of civilization–at least Republican civilization–as we know it, with Obama playing the great compromiser, giving everyone what they basically want, what the nation needs, and what screws the conservative pooch for years to come.

I hope you’re happy with your choice, America. It looks like you just unemployed a whole host of right wing loons like me. And what will we live on now, the vast wealth we plundered from the nation and squirreled away in off shore accounts? How can any of us continue our extravagant lifestyle on that pittance of mere billions?

I hope you’re satisfied with yourself, America. That whimpering sound you hear is Sean Hannity having to fly commercial first class instead of on one of his hand-picked jet planes. That wail of discomfort is from my gal pal, Ann Coulter, who will have to get her hormone shots from a regular endocrinologist, instead of from that private sex-change clinic in Sweden. And that sound like cats having sex is my puki pal, Michelle Malkin, having to come to grips with being Asian.

Yes, I hope you’re pleased with yourself, America. You’ve gone and done it. You just may have put an end to the longest running spiel we have had for years: fear of the gay. I hope you are all comfy and cozy with your smug little selves, America. You bastards!

Evidently the growing number of Internet sites exposing Rick Warren’s homosexuality is leading many of the church’s leaders to distance themselves from the entire subject.

Rick Warren was a vocal proponent of Proposition 8, claiming that gay marriage would lead to the destruction of the family. Those on the inside have confirmed that Warren’s real support of Prop 8 was to ensure a never-ending supply of closeted married men, with whom he could have anonymous bathroom sex. If gay marriage were legalized in California, Warren feared men would settle down into stable gay relationships, living as open homosexuals, and would not look for nameless sex in public restrooms.

Apparently Warren is not alone in this fear. Most of the support from the Morman Church for Proposition 8 was from the leadership of the church, many of whom are known in the Salt Lake gay community to frequent some of the more aggressive leather bars searching for closeted gay men willing to pimp out their LDS sons for a price.

It will be interesting to see how far the church moves from its original message of cleaning up the gays in the days leading up to the inauguration. It is up to all of us true Christians to expose this man for the homosexualist he is and to cleanse our churches of the stench of his assless chaps and sex toys.

I asked if he was sick, and if I should bring him some chicken soup. The receptionist told me he was OK, but that he had called in “gay.”

A gay in a beauty salon? I know! I would have never suspected. I guess they really are everywhere.

So I asked why he had called in gay, wondering if it was the fault of the secular progressives and their liberal agenda, which had turned such a fine male specimen, who normally wears pink hot pants, into a homosexualist. It was then that I heard all about the gays and their anger over Proposition 8. I was shocked! To express their anger over the amendment banning gay marriage in California, the gays decided to call in gay in protest.

This was the first I heard anything about displeasure of Prop 8. I know the Mormons were thrilled with the outcome. They were celebrating by toasting the new ban with non-alcoholic champagne and by raping children. I know the Catholics were likewise thrilled. The only difference in their celebrations was the champagne had alcohol. And of course the Focus on the Family folks were thrilled. Their celebrations added meth to the mix of child rape and alcohol.

But they gays were not happy, something about having a right taken away. I really don’t get it.

As many of you who have been following this blog, I have been a vocal opponent of the gay marriage. In fact, the very first post on this blog over two years ago was on gay marriage and its damage to the fabric of society. As a conservative, I felt it was my responsibility to poke my nose into other people’s bedrooms and force my beliefs on them. Jesus told me to, right after he asked W. to be Commander Guy.

But Blanca has to put her own self interests ahead of society’s. Afterall, that is what being a Republican is all about. When it comes to her hoo ha maintenance, Blanca will not take a back seat to anyone, and will do whatever she can to ensure an ample supply of gay bikini zone waxers for years to come.

So it is with a heavy heart, that I must begrudgingly accept some sort of solution to this whole gay marriage thing.

Setting aside whether marriage is an institution, marriage is a religous ceremony, blessed by God, or whatever false idol the non Christian heathen religions believe in. But marriage is also a contract between two people. It is a contract, which has different meanings in different states. And it has no religious connotations.

For instance, in California when a marriage is dissolved, both parties are entitled to one half each of all the assets. While in Alabama, a husband is allowed to shoot his wife in a “hunting accident” in a divorce.

Cars, houses, children, even pets get divided and divied out when a divorce occurs. There is nothing quite as sad as the end of a relationship. Although there is also nothing quite as deliciously schadenfroh as seeing some idiot walk away from a ten-year relationship with nothing due to a prenup. Yes, I am talking about you, Guy Ritchie.

But many churches do not recognize divorce. Catholics consider it a mortal sin and will not recognize the dissolution and may even excommunicate those who have been divorced. They are brutal.

So there is already a division between the legal contract called marriage and the religous ceremony. So maybe we can just take the legal contract, and let the gays have that.

No church would be forced to marry anyone against its will. There would never be anything gay about a marriage in a Catholic church. Oh, who am I kidding. Everything about a Catholic ceremony is gay, from the Pope in his fabulous Prada shoes right down to the priests educating the alter boys by taking them in the rectory.

But by law, the humanized homosexuals would be allowed to transfer property, make medical decisions for each other, and jointing care for their homosexual children. Gays have gay children, right? And Blanca would appease the gays, and ensure she could aways get her hoo ha wax on demand.

I know it is a lot to ask of people like Mike Huckabee, who has obviously gotten fat due to all his stress eating because of gay marriage and Caribou Barbie. But just remember, as a Baptist, you can always call them sinners, and probably even stone them in Arkansas. But think of all the money your little podunk of a state will rake in when the gays finally get hit with the marriage penalty on their taxes. Two homos making $175,000 each filing jointly will not get a tax break under Obama. It’s a fiscal conservative’s wet dream!

We just need to determine what to call it. I don’t know about the word “marriage.” And I have never really understood “civil union” or “civil partnership.” And “domestic partner” sounds like you are married to your maid. I think we can create a new word, something like “gayrriage” or even “gayding.” But whatever we call it, it will be just as legally binding as marriage, but it won’t be forced on churches. It will solve this whole problem of giving a group of people some rights they incist on having, while saving the rest of us from actually having to deal with them egalitarianly.

Just like Separate but Equal.

And now it’s time to get a little of the other things we have wanted for a long time.

So I am going to start several petitions in the state of California to put a couple of other proposals on the ballot in California next election.

How about Proposition X: marriage is between a white man and a white woman. I like this one. You know we Republicans always want to bring the country back to the Leave It to Beaver days. And you thought we just wanted white picket fences? Well, you got the white right. You know not only were kids better behaved in the 1950’s, but most blacks really couldn’t vote, marry who they wanted, live or work where they wanted, or have any say in society. I miss the good old days.

And then there is Poposition M: marriage is between a non-Mormon man and a non-Mormon woman. How is that for backstabbing? All you nut jobs in Salt Lake thought we were your friends? Hah! We used you, and now we are taking our revenge on you magic underpants wearing screwballs.

But my favorite is Proposition S: it’s legal to own people again. I’ve always wanted this one. After all, my family had to actually work for a living after Mr. Lincoln stole all our property. I bet the 70% of you blacks who voted for Proposition 8 feel a little stupid now. Wait until I get myself a nice black buck to while away the hours.

Thank you for opening the door for all kinds of crazy discrimination. And maybe I can finally get rid of a couple of thorns in my side like Governor Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington. Proposition A will make it illegal for anyone with an annoying accent to be a resident of California.

The bitch is baaaack!

After the massive losses, or the “thumpin’” as President Obvious put it, the Republicans were convinced they lost because they were not conservative enough. Evidentally Rick Santorum didn’t get the memo about being loonie tunes right wing. I mean, he was just about the most conservative member of the Senate, and he had his man-on-dog-sex ass handed to him by Bob Casey, son of a popular Democratic governor.

The right wing latched onto the fact that Bob Casey is pro-life as evidence that America is still far to the right. Maybe Bob Casey didn’t get their memo, either. Although he is pro-life, he also very much believes that Roe v. Wade is the law of the land, and that attempts to undermine it strike at the heart of what the Democratic party stands for: individual liberty.

On Wednesday, the party leaders will try to divine the will of the people by looking through a bucket of bile supplied courtesy of Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh, et al. But, just perhaps, if they decided to take an objective look at the results and chose to instead actually fix the problem, the party might–just might–survive.

The Republicans need to exorcise their party of the crazy bunch, which has brought it to this ruin. Just like they ran the blacks and homos out of the GOP years ago, they need to do something to piss and scare off the religious right, so they can get back to the basics.

The Republicans chose John McCain, because they thought he was middle of the road enough to attract Democrats and Independents. They shot themselves in the foot by not going with the two Republicans who could have actually won: Dr. Ron Paul and Rudy Giuliani. These two gentlemen–OK, one gentleman, and one cross-dressing hermaphrodite–were skipped over because they were crazy enough to support gay rights or Roe v. Wade.

Even though McCain did not support a Constitutional ban on gay marriage, and although he was pro-life, he basically still supported these gays and was willing to accept abortion, with some very strong caveats. Those in the heart of the party knew his real voting record, and were satisfied enough that it would pass some sort of smell test.

But then John McCain got abducted by the far to right wing of the party, and they forced him to go loonie tunes bananas to satisfy them. In the process, McCain drove off all the independents and Democrats, who might have voted for him.

If McCain had remained his own man, he might have had a chance, even in a year when the Republicans are an anathema. But he sold his soul to the very people who crucified him in 2000, and for that he is going to not only lose, but lose big.

But there is hope for the Party of Lincoln. They can bring it back and resurrect their party, but they are going to have to make sacrifices. Here are some things they can do to save the party.

Blanca is a Christian, just like her gal pal Ann Coulter. And by Christian I don’t mean that I actually do anything Jesus told me to do, like helping the poor and the downtrodden. No, I show my faith by wearing bling. I buy giant crosses made of silver or platinum. Even though I could have quietly demonstrated my faith by taking the money I would have used to by my thirty pieces of silver and donated it to the poor, I instead choose to piss it away at Tiffiny’s in Tulsa–the branch, which specializes in Christian crap.

But even I know you sometimes have to hid your light under a bushel in order to win elections. And by hide, I really mean conceal. And by conceal I really mean lie.

The Republican National Committee needs to change its party platform in order to save the drowning ship. These changes will undoubtedly anger many, but the patient has cancer, and sometimes you have to cut off a leg to save the patient.

1. Abortion–The Republican Party has been the Pro-Life party for years, and look at what it has gotten us. Abortion is still legal. A super majority of the population believes it should still be. All the justices and judges have not brought us any closer to the elimination of Roe v. Wade. Some might say this was our tactic all along. If we ever actually did away with abortion, we would lose this wedge issue and start losing elections. Well, we haven’t done away with it, but we are still losing. Time to lose it.
2. Gay Marriage–We have tried to make Gay Marriage the boogie man in four elections now, and it really hasn’t worked. We now have Gay Marriage in three states. Proposition 8 is bound for failure in California. A majority of the population no longer seems scared by gays getting married. Once everyone saw that the world didn’t end and that traditional marriage was just as fucked up as before, the whole wedge issue lost it’s edge. And gays have something Republican voters don’t seem to have these days: money. With double incomes and no kids, they are able to spend money on shit that would make Sarah Palin salivate. So why not throw them a bone, and get their votes and money in the process? Sure, you will piss of the religious right, and they will leave the party, but at some point they will get tired of having no voice and will come back.
3. Minorities–For nearly forty years the Republicans have used race as an issue to get the votes of the white southerners. The problem is that these bigots are dying off faster than they can be replaced. It seems bigots have children who don’t necessarily end up being bigots. The kids seem to be better adjusted and don’t mind race mixing and are tolerant of other cultures. Thank you very much, MTV! And while the Jim Crow vote is dwindling, the minority vote is growing. With whites projected to be in the minority by 2050, we need to get as many swarthy voters as possible. And it really isn’t that difficult. Just propose an amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing equal rights. Throw in some speeches in Spanish and Swahili, and BINGO! we are back in the good graces of all of those darkies. Oh, and have Republicans throw Rush Limbaugh under the bus. Literally. It will take about 20, because he is so fat, but throw his Oxycontin ass under the next Greyhound to Atlanta, and we will be knee-deep in minorities in our party. Sure the whities from the South will leave our party, but they would anyway when they die prematurely in ten years from a lack of health insurance and an abundance of cigarettes.
4. Unions–For nearly thirty years Republicans have been union busting, and look at what it has gotten us. Sure, at first we could fool Joe Six Pack, and got the dumb shit to vote for Reagen back in 1988. But all those auto workers from Michigan who voted for the Gipper finally realized we were really stealing their pensions and were screwing them like a $20 whore. Now they are voting for Democrats in increasing numbers. We need to get those Joes back. And the good news is that it really isn’t that hard. All we have to do is protect labor, screwing the military industrial complex, and we will WIN, WIN, WIN. Sure we will lose all those millions from oil and banking, but who cares. Evita didn’t have to advertise to win elections. She just had to screw the President. So it’s time we started prostituting ourselves to a group, who might actually deliver: workers.
5. Religion–We have been the Party of Jesus for a while, but it is starting to wear thin. Like the Catholic Church, we are cutting off our noses to spite our faces. The Holy See has been alienating and losing supporters in the affluent Western countries for decades. But they have been growing in popularity in the Third World. The problem is that the Third World consumes the Church’s resources, while the Western countries support the Catholic charities. Without the cash cows in the West, the Catholic Church will be bankrupt in fifty years. The number of Catholics is growing thanks to countries like the Philippines. Those Filipinos fuck like bunnies. Just ask my puki pal Michelle Malkin. If she doesn’t get laid at least three times a day her hoo ha dries up from unuse. But those Filipinos contribute a negative to the Church. They consume more than they give. And the Catholics are going broke because of them. And so are we Republicans. We keep getting religious loons from West Virginia and Alabama who don’t have two nickles to rub together, while we keep losing the religious moderates who are rich in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and California. It’s time to dump the dead weight and go with what makes fiduciary sense.

If the Republicans take these drastic steps, they have a chance to save the party. If they don’t, they are destined for oblivion. The choice is theirs.

Just 48 hours to go. If you thought Palin had an expensive makeover, wait until the bill comes in for the deck chair rearrangement going on over at the Republican National Committee Headquarters. It won’t take a genius to know they will be in need of a major overhauling to save themselves. But it definitely will take a purge. And we will start November 5 with Lindsay Graham, John McCain, and Sarah Palin.

I wanted to write you to thank you for all of your work on behalf of the sanctity of marriage. Your countless efforts to protect traditional marriage will garner for you a saint hood and a place in Heaven.

That is if you weren’t Godless heathens destined for Hell. But what is a little blasphemy between friends?

I mean you guys have done an amazing job. Your work for Proposition 8 in California is just stunning. I mean considering the source, for a bunch of wife swapping, bigamist loons, I am really impressed.

By the way, do you know Chloë Sevigny? Is she just as big a bitch in person as she is on TV? Does she give head as good in person as she did on the big screen?

This whole fight for marriage has turned out to be an expensive one. I heard that it is expected to cost $60 million. I really want to thank you for spending this money on a worthy cause instead of something silly like feeding the poor or helping children. Oh, who are we kidding? You are too busy fucking children to be helping them.

Please keep up the good work. Marriage needs protection. And who better to protect it than bigamists who have the 26th worst divorce rate in the country? And remember, Jesus loves you. Oh, listen to me! Of course He doesn’t. You Satanist bastards!

Love,

Blanca