The titular head—not to be confused with boob head—of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, reaffirmed his accusations of racism against Sotomayor, even as Newt “Don’t Call Me Kermit” Gingrich was back peddling faster than Senator Jeff Sessions at a NAACP meeting.

It seems that someone bothered to tell the Republican Party that their recent losses in nearly every demographic group would not be helped by alienating the fastest growing minority in the United States: Latinos. The only two groups, which Republicans are making modest gains with, are the two groups, which are actually shrinking: old people and conservative Christians. And with the Rapture due any day, all they will have left are the old bastards, who will be dying off at any time now.

Indeed the only other major conservative force who did not back down from assertions that Sotomayor hates white men because she is aware that she is not one, was Pat Buchanan. But Pat may not be the best judge of character when it comes to racism. I’m not saying the man has a thing against African American, but let’s just put it this way: he’s the guy who gave Susan Smith the idea to blame it on a black guy.

The only thing worse than Sonia Sotomayor’s awful racism, and massive tits, is her empathy. There is nothing more dangerous than an empathetic racist. Anyone who can hate someone based on race and then put himself in his shoes is just horrible.

Republicans must stand their ground, and stop this activist, racist, empathetic judge who will legislate from the bench and may actually be a stealth pro-lifer. We must filibuster her, now that we are in the minority and filibustering judges is our Hail Mary pass.

And did I mention she has tits?

Like New Coke, a reformulation will only cause the faithful to abandon the G.O.P. in droves, most likely to the Libertarian or Constitutional parties. As with Match Game 76, the stars are the same, the jokes just as lame, and the host, just as dull and witless as always. And just like Windows 7, it doesn’t matter how much of a new interface you put on the party, in the end the code is just the same, and it is just as buggy as ever.

Big Republican names held a pizza party to put some fresh spit on the old shit, which is the party as of late. Jeb “Let Me Shove that Feeding Tube in You Mrs. Schiavo” Bush led the parade of lost souls. He was accompanied by the Boy du Jour, Eric Cantor, who is in a race with Virginia Foxx, Michelle Bachmann, Bobby Jindal, and Sarah Palin, to see who can evacuate his head of brains the fastest. The competition has been siff, but Cantor has been able to keep up so far. With his lips firmly placed on Rush Limbaugh’s ass, he is crooning the right tune like only a cantor can.

Rounding out the trio of twits was Mitt “My Magic Underwear Keeps Me Safe” Romney. Mittens is best known for driving AMC motors into the ground and for saving the Olympics from the Mormans who wanted to put the swimmers is burqahs. The arch conversative, whose supreme reign saw the first state to go all gay with marriage, at least stemmed the pink tide by pulling an oldie but a goodie out of his bag of legal tricks, using an archane law preventing Massachusetts from recognizing marriages illegal in other states, i.e., interracial marriages. What a mensch!

And ladies and gentleman, I present to you the lineup of the New Republican Party, 2009. All that was missing was Newt “Kermit the Frog” Gingerich, to make what’s old new again.

Look, guys, it will take more than a kegger to bring this party back from the dead. You have to work on fixing what is wrong with the Grand Old Party, namely, all of you schmucks. If we don’t return to our core values–whatever the hell they are–we are doomed. You guys turned our party upside down, forcing together groups, which have been diametrically opposed. You made the gun nuts join hands with the Rapture Ready crowd. Although I do see the connection, the gun nuts have yet to give their guns to the Rapturists so they can make a quick exit from this world and join God for brunch.

The party of Lincoln became the party of Reagan, and somewhere along the line, we became the party of Nixon and 43. Now we are the party of Jindall, Palin, and Foxx. Soon, we will end up being the party of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

As long as you dipshits are running the show, we are doomed. Our numbers are falling faster than the soon-to-be-falling fake tits of Miss California. A few weeks ago we were at 23%. Now we are at 21%. If we continue this way, by the end of the year we will be lucky if 15% of electorate identify themselves as Republicans.

Time is running out. If you can’t fix things, then it may be time to jump ship. Blanca is a conservative, but she like winning. I guess I can be the next Ben Nelson or Mary Landrieu. Just call me Blanca DeBree, D-WI.

First Massachusetts, then California, then Connecticut, then Iowa, and now Vermont. Sure we managed to fool a lot of black and old people into voting with the heathen Mormons to overturn the gay marriage in California, but it is looking more like that may come to end soon as the California Supremes–not to be confused with the California Raisins–overturn Proposition 8.

The world is coming to an end.

We have a black guy running the country; Europeans love us again; Rush Limbaugh is getting his ass handed to him on his own radio show. I think it’s Rapture Time!

Now for those of you who didn’t know, the Rapture is a participatory sport. You can’t just wait there like some jackass hitching a ride from the Almighty. No, just like the preacher on the teevee says, you have to sow a seed of faith. And just like when God tested Abraham, that seed comes in the form of a 12-gauge shotgun.

Now I can hear all you Christians now. “But isn’t suicide murder?”

Shut up, pussies! If you had had the balls you should’ve this last November, we would be sitting with Sarah Palin in the White House right now, bombing Russia from her front porch and burning books in the back permafrost barbecue. But no, you had to sit this one out, because you weren’t too sure about the old man’s abilities or the Wasilla Hillbilly’s brains. Look, if God had meant the Wicked Ditz of the North to think, he would have put her in a real state, not freakin’ Alaska!

In order to show God that you are Rapture Worthy, you need to help the process along a little. You need to get off your ass and shoot yourself for Jesus! God will be waiting for you on the other side, with his white limo and the heavenly choir.

But I can hear some of you out there saying, “How can I trust you, Blanca? How do you know the time and the place, when it says in the Bible no one will know?”

Look, there you go again with your fancy book lernin’ and fact pushing. Don’t you know a real Christian just feels it from the gut. Just ask Commander Guy. There wasn’t a single fact he knew, but he sure felt something in his gut. It may just have been a coincidence that it usually followed taco night at the Crawford Ranch, but he certainly felt something, and it kept Laura up all night.

The time is nigh! The gays are taking over. Obama is taking your guns. Glenn Beck is going to be arrested. Sean Hannity is going to be torn limb from limb by liberals and their Fairness Doctrine. Rush Limbaugh, well, I am surprised that tub of lard is still breathing considering how umbelievably fat he is. My God, that right there is a sign of the Apocolypse: fat man walking!

So let’s take one for Jesus, folks. Show your faith, and get raptured in the process. Blow your brains out tonight, and by this time tomorrow, we’ll all be having breakfast on the lanai with Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gahndi. Oh wait, he was a Hindu. He’s in Hell. Wait, I think Mother Teresa was a Catholic. I think they go to Hell, too. Well, it will be just us real Christians, having tea and scones.

Are you Rapture Ready?

It kind of reminds me of Iraq in a way. You know, I understand what the Israelis are doing. You have to win the hearts and minds of the Gazans first, and the best way to free hearts and minds, is to blow them out of their children. You know nothing brings people together like the death of a child. Look at Caylee, look at Jon Benet, look at Natalee, look at those two negro children in the trunk somewhere in Jersey, whose name I totally forgot, but at least I remembered they weren’t white. With all of these dead Gazan kids being stacked up like firewood, photographs of the scene can’t help but unite people. Pretty soon the Jews and the evildoers will be singing Kumbaya and dancing around in those faggy little dances those kinds of people like.

We all know that the Jews are God’s chosen people–or at least they were until they decided to kill Jesus on us. We have a long common history with the Jews. My father stood side by side hundreds, marching to keep our schools and social clubs Jew free. My grandmother was the first person in Font du Lac to burn a cross to keep a Jewish family from moving into the neighborhood. And who can forget the whole Inquisition? I remember my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather roasting Jew nuts over an open fire.

With this common history, it is no wonder that we conservatives always like to side with Israel in their little wars. We need Israel. Israel is vital to our national security. Not only is it vital to keep it in Jew hands until Jesus comes back and throws them all into the eternal lake of fire, but without Israel, there would be even more Jews roaming the streets of New York City.

So as a conservative, I fully support Israel’s right to defend itself. Anyway, since most of their weapons come from us, it’s good for the economy to have these guys fight it out every once in a while. Just think of every dead Gazan as free advertising for GE, Lockheed Martin, and Boeing. You just can’t buy publicity like that!

We on the right owe it to Israel–and ourselves–to stand by our Jew friends in their hour of need. Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East–if you don’t count Afghanistan, Egypt, Gaza, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, and Turkey. Without Israel, there would be no future for Jesus and for all of us just waiting for the Rapture to rescue us from this miserable little country. But the most important reason to defend Israel is it keeps the Jews in Israel and out of the United States and makes this country much more livable.

I am all for these Jesus killers protecting themselves, as long as they stay on their side of the world, and don’t attempt to join my country club or marry my daughter or something unacceptable like that.

Bill O’Reilly has announced that he is ending his Pulitzer Prize winning radio show. He has announced that he needs to spend more time working on his Nobel Prize winning television show. He also plans to spend more time with his loofah.

Alan Colmes decided to end his stint on the always entertaining Hannity and Colmes, a gay sex comedy in news magazine format. He plans to continue working at Fox News, although it is unsure whose bitch or whipping boy he will be. Roger Ailes already has a male prostitute on retainer. And since Brit Hume is leaving, the job of Hume fluffer is no longer needed. Most likely he will be Mort Kondrake’s makeup artist, which is a full time job with hazard pay.

O.J. Simpson is going to jail for like 30 years even though he like totally didn’t kill Nicole or Ron Goldman. Instead he is going to the slammer for pulling a Boy George and holding a bunch of folk hostage. Yes, he didn’t beat the people with a chain or handcuff them to his bed, but he had something even better: a gun!

The Democrats have taken even larger majorities in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Their near lock on power has been cemented with the election of Barack Obama, the most liberal Senator in the history of mankind. This Bolshevik plans to radically socialize our country and push a most liberal agenda. The Black Russian may himself be one of the horsies of the Apocalypse. His brand of Communism sends a shiver down the spines of not only the undead Cindy McCain, but all God-fearing, gay-hating, gun-loving Republican.

Indeed, for the first time in my life, I am afraid of a black guy. Oh, who am I kidding? I have always been afraid of black people!

So it seems rather ironic that the two most rapture-ready candidates in the Republican party are climbing all over each other to see who will get to run for President in 2012.

Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee are both vying to see who will have the pleasure of carrying the conservative, moon bat banner in 2012. But with all the signs pointing to an early departure from this earth, it seems any victory will be a hollow one, with the winner most likely raptured shortly after accepting the nomination and just before God destroys the world for electing such a super commie Massachusetts liberal as Barack Obama.

I guess no one should be surprised that Caribou Barbie and the Huckster are still planning on being the Decider even with the end in sight. We Republicans have always been convenience zealots. We all believe in God, Jesus, the Bible, and Armageddon–the final conflict of man, not the crappy Bruce Willis vehicle. But when it comes to grabbing more power or making a buck, we can conveniently forget whatever admonitions or commandments God has laid down for us.

Sure, we may say that it is just a fortnight before Jesus returns, but if we have a chance to win back the White House, we can certainly postpone the end until our friends at Halliburton have amassed an even greater fortune on the backs of the idjits who keep voting for us.

That’s just the beauty of being a Republican. We can pick and choose what we listen to in the Bible. Although most of us really would like to take advantage of the stoning and the slavery parts of Leviticus, we really shy away from the whole shellfish and mixed fabrics thing. There is nothing I like more than stuffing my face with a shrimp cocktail while wearing nice cotton blends.

And we really push the whole man not lying with man thing, even though Jesus said bupkis about it, and the complete lack of mention of carpet munching makes the whole thing ring kind of hollow. But we don’t bother with the whole ban on cheeseburgers, and God knows we certainly don’t pay one lick of attention to any of that crap about helping the poor and shit.

So you shouldn’t be astonished when we push the end of the world in order to scare dumb inbred goofs in Mississippi and West Virginia to vote for our agenda, but quickly forget about it when making our long-term plans.

Hell, deep down we don’t believe any of it. All we really care about is selectively using the Bible to get our own way, like a Central American dictator who quotes the Bible as proof of his divine authority, or the priest who uses it to ply the pants off an alter boy.

But you shouldn’t get it in your head that this little admission will get you off the hook. We plan to keep pushing the whole Leviticus thing until Jesus returns and sets up shop in Jersalem (wink wink). And if we do turn out to be right, just think of the real estate opportunities after Jesus throws all the Jews into the sea of fire and all their land can be snatched up for a song.

Here’s to a long, long, long, end times.

Blanca understands this fear. She, herself was afraid, too, until she figured she could make a buck out of everyone else’s fear. But Blanca can only make money from people who have money to begin with. Most of the folks in rural America are just poor white trash. I really have no use for them, because they can’t buy my books, CD’s, or my newsletters. So I have a come up with a solution for this growing problem.

Did you know that the Rapture is an interactive exercise? Really. Can’t find it in the Bible? Well, it’s in mine. Of course you need magic runes to read my copy. I mean if it worked for Joseph Smith, it’ll work for me. But I digress.

In order to be raptured, you need to show you faith in God. If you don’t show you have faith, you can’t be raptured. And how exactly do you show your faith? Well, you have to be willing to die. Of course, at the last moment before you actually die, God will rapture you. It’s sort of like seeding your faith.

I have heard a lot of people say they don’t know when the Rapture will be. Well, I don’t think they are looking hard enough. The Rapture will be the exact moment Fox News calls the election for Barack Obama on November 4, 2008. At that very moment, you all need to go and kill yourselves to show the Lord you are ready to be accepted and get taken in the Rapture.

It really doesn’t matter how you do it, although there are preferred methods, of course. I think the most elegant is using one of your many guns. You can blow your head off, or just point it at your chest and pull the trigger. For those of you who like kink–you know who you are–you can even shove your gun up your hoo ha or poop chute and say “hello, Jesus!”

Electrocution is great, too. Drowning is nice. Pills are not the best, neither is blowing out the pilot and turning on the gas. Jumping from the top of a tall building is good, too. Just use your imagination! Just remember, before you do yourself in, you have to kill your children. After all, if you don’t, they will just end up being adopted by gay people and becoming Muslims.

So set your calendars, Ameritards! Tune in to Fox News on November 4, 2008. At the time and hour our Lord has chosen, do yourselves in and go right to Heaven!

Setting aside the maxim to which Karl Rove subscribes of attacking your opponent on his strength, ignoring the Swift Boat Veterans–the greatest contributor of which, T. Boone Pickens is now supporting Barack Obama, if not explicitly at least implicity–and placing aside the miserably candidacy, in which voting for something before voting against it seems to have made him a laughing stock, Kerry suffered from a change in the game.

Banking on the idea that Americans were weary of the war in Iraq, the Democrats chose a decorated military man, who opposed another unpopular war, after bothering to actually show up and serve. But the Republicans were able to frame the argument not as a battle in Iraq, but a war on a greater enemy, namely gay marriage, guns, and God. Essentially every argument was framed around the great battle for God.

Every issue was a moral one, no matter how unrelated. Don’t like the Drain Commissioner? Well, did you know Jesus doesn’t like the new tax to improve the sewer for Clinton Township? It’s true. Jesus hates concrete embankments. I found it in the Bible. Just give me a minute to look it up.

Essentially the Republicans were successful in defanging a military man running against, well let’s face it, someone who didn’t show up. And they did it by making the war, taxes, even immigration into an battle or morals, where God was right, and those evil liberals were wrong.

And it worked.

This year, in an attempt to win the White House in a year when the brand is so damaged that for Halloween the scariest costume will be an incumbent Republican, the GOP chose a maverick, someone who went against the grain, and someone who could be considered an expert on war. You see, back in the winter months, Iraq was of utmost importance. And the Republicans thought they had a winner in John McCain.

The Democrats all were against the war. They wanted to end the conflict. So to provide a stark contrast, the Republicans chose a man who thought Iraq was the central front in the War on Terrah. They chose someone who was known for his opposition to his own party in the past. They chose John McCain.

But something funny happened on the way to the general. McCain needed to get elected, so he steered to the right. Then, after he clinched the nomination, he needed money, so he tacked along with the neocons. Then, seeing his stock plummeting, he went for a religious nut, and unknown, who could be cast in any light you wish. And it worked.

For two weeks.

But something even funnier happened in September. The economy imploded. The market dropped nearly 800 points, and the country collectively shit its pants. Suddenly the man who understood war and was a steady and safe choice in a time of terror was the loose hinge, the missing screw, the broken latch. A man who confessed he didn’t understand the economy, whose own economic adviser called this a mental recession, was pulling tricks to distract from his inability to handle the crisis.

And now with just 30 days to go before the general McCain is throwing dirt. He is trying to shift the subject from his inability to understand and address this meltdown to tenuous associations of his opponent, Barack Obama. And he is opening himself up for a take down not seen since Reagan-Mondale.

McCain has been losing moderates since the first Presidential debate. After the Palin-Biden matchup, even more moderates are jumping ship. While Palin did not fall flat on her face, she sounded less Presidential than Biden, and for those not already hooked on the Kool-Aid, she lost.

And now come desperate attacks, laced with racial overtones. McCain and Palin are chancing what few independents they still have. In short, by shoring up their base, they are alienating everyone else.

And you just can’t win the White House with the insanely stupid, racist, rapture crowd any more.

With just 30 days to go, Obama is up about 6 points on average. He now is within 5 Electoral College votes of winning. With states like Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, Colorado, and Nevada trending for Obama, McCain cannot afford to lose any moderate votes–not in a year when Democrats out poll Republicans by 10 points. But by going so negative and not addressing the actual issues Americans are concerned about–jobs, the economy, the stock market–McCain is making it possible for what was considered a few months ago impossible: a 10 point win by Obama of McCain.

The next 72 hours will show if Americans are willing to suspend their own self-interests at a time of national economic crisis to believe baseless attacks by a flailing campaign or will shift even farther away from McCain, cementing Obama’s lead so much that McCain cannot win.

Time will tell. It’s 71:59:59 and counting.

I will miss Brit’s brilliant attacks on the left, even though I couldn’t understand most of them, because the man talks like a drunk German with a mouthful of marbles.

I’m not sure what this means, but that makes three Fox News personalities who are no longer going to be on the network. First we had E.D. “Fist Jab” Hill, then there was Tony Snow, and now Brit Hume. Is it just me, or is the Rapture early this year?

Goodbye, Brit. It was nice not understanding you.

Next stop, Armageddon.

I’m all dressed up and ready for the Rapture!

At meetup.com, there appears to be a call to join the Mike Army in Chicago on this date.

The blogs are abuzz with what is being called Huck’s Army.

This is the most viral advertising campaign I have ever seen for a Presidential candidate. The last time I saw something this intriguing, I ended spending ten bucks to see some stupid movie about a monster attacking Manhattan.

On April 15, 2008, Mike Huckabee is expected to make some announcement. No one seems to know what that announcement will be, but some expect it to be in favor of the Fair Tax, since April 15 is Tax Day. Others speculate he may be announced as John McCain’s running mate–I highly doubt this. And others, like me, are praying real hard, that he is going to announce his campaign as a third party candidate for President of the United States.

And with Mike Huckabee in the White House, our nation will return to its roots with resurgence of traditional values, faith, family, and book and witch burnings. And then we will all be raptured, Jesus will come back, go bowling with Huck, and we’ll all be right as rain again.