But lost in the cacophony of well wishers and benefactors were the lone voices of the Religious Right and Republican Party, as their spokespersons Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh put a human face on the tragedy–albeit crazy, bug-eyed and grotesquely obese faces. Uncle Chuckles, the man to whom God turns when He wants to have a public relations nightmare, laid the blame for this disaster squarely at the feet of the devil-worshipping Haitians for their pact with the Devil to rid their island of the French in the 19th century.

Not to be outdone, Rush “I’m Still Not Dead, no Matter what Blanca DeBree and Wikipedia Say” Limbaugh said that Barack Obama was only rushing to the aid of Haiti because it was an island full of blacks. And when pondering if a fat $400 million-earning child rapist should donate any money to the poorest nation this side of Africa, the human Macy’s Day Parade Balloon said that he already paid his taxes, and that was what government was for.  What a socialist fuck.

The prayer lines have been jammed ever since Robertson claimed to be God’s seismologist. Indeed, CBN has not seen this much traffic since the laughing prophet claimed Katrina was God’s wrath for the sins of New Orleans. The meteorologist to Jesus knew all weather comes as vengeance from God. Strangely Pat “My Milkshake’s Better than Yours” Robertson was silent when hurricanes hit Jesus-fearing states like Texas, South Carolina, and Florida. As the ungayest places on earth saw category four and five storms hit their shores, Robertson was too busy counting his millions to be bothered by irony.

Limbaugh, on the other hand, couldn’t use the tragedy to his benefit fast enough. Taking a break from using the word “Negro,” Limbaugh tried to prove once again he was not a racist by saying the most racist things since Strom Thurmond confessed the “Pecker Shows No Bigotry.”  After offending an entirely new country with his drug-addled thoughts, Limbaugh proceeded to feast upon an unborn fetus as part of his ongoing fetal stem cell therapy to treat his lack of a human soul.

I urge all my readers to call CBN to show their support for Father Robertson. Be sure to ask for a prayer so that Robertson lives an extra long time so we are assured of his wise words for years to come. Anyway, I am pretty sure Jesus doesn’t want him. And why rush the old man to his appointment with the Devil and his anal cattle prod eternal torture?

And as for Rush, please give him a call this week, and let him know how you approve of his using the death of hundreds of thousands to inflate his ego like a cheap Chinese lead-laden penis pump. Since Florida has a large Haitian community, maybe they could go over to his house in the Sunshine “It Does Not Look LIke a Penis” State and show their love for the man. Since Rush is fond of boys from the island, you might want to bring a couple of underage Dominican males with you. Maybe as a treat, they could re-enact the death of Pasolini while they’re at it.

So here’s to Pat and Rush. Thanks again for making sure Born Again Christians and Republicans are always seen as assholes.

This morning doctors at Queens Medical Center upgraded his condition from dead to undead.  A representative for the talk show host stated:

“Rush was admitted to and is resting comfortably in a Honolulu hospital today after suffering chest pains.

“Rush appreciates your prayers and well wishes and he will keep you updated via RushLimbaugh.com.”

At a news conference this morning, when asked to comment on the fact that Mr. Limbaugh was “resting comfortably,” his doctors blanched.  They appeared visibly shaken by not only the question, but also by Mr. Limbaugh’s current medical condition.  After a few moments of hesitation, the Chief of Cardiology, Dr. Andrew Bell, M.D. tried to put forth an explanation.

“Mr. Limbaugh was brought into the hospital last night, suffering chest pains and exhibiting classic symptoms of cardiac arrest.  After several hours of treatment, Mr. Limbaugh seemed to have succumbed to his illness and died shortly before midnight.  As nurses were preparing the body for removal, Mr. Limbaugh appeared to regain consciousness and started to complain about socialized healthcare, calling the staff a bunch of Obamacommunists, and asking one African American nurse to take the bone out of her nose so she could blow him.

“Doctors were immediately called to the room, and they began to examine the patient.  He exhibited no pulse, no respiration, and no temperature.  Additionally, he no longer cast a reflection in any mirror, and seemed to be greatly disturbed by a crucifix pendant one of the younger nurses was wearing around her neck.  It was then that Mr. Limbaugh began to request unusual objects, such as a coffin and earth from his lair.  He also started to have cravings for virgin’s blood.

“An expert on the occult was called in, a Wiccan Priest, named Andy Martin, who is incidentally running for Senate in Illinois, and he proclaimed that Mr. Limbaugh was a member of the undead, a vampire.”

When asked to comment how such a lovable, misunderstood clansman radio host could have become a vampire, the Wiccan Priest, who had been standing behind Dr. Bell, came forward and explained.

“After spewing so many fabrications and lies for so long, it was just a matter of time before Limbaugh’s soul would escape his body, looking for a more suitable host, preferably one with a conscious and not destined for Hell.  The soul probably wandered around for a while, possibly entering Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity, before determining these vessels were neither compatible nor desirable for the eternal spirit of Rush.  It is then, I theorize, that his soul made its way into a new born child:  an innocent vessel, without sin.

“I suggest you mount a search party, and find a child born last night, shortly before midnight, who has a particular glint in its eyes.  That child will have the soul of Rush Limbaugh.  That child will be the second incarnation of the Rushbo.”

Since Rush Limbaugh is now a vampire, he will no longer be able to perform his daily 12 noon show.  Clear Channel has yet to make a statement, but it is expected that he will either move his show to after dark or may simply change vocations and work as a spokesman for Satan.

However, since Rush Limbaugh has been the leader of the Republican Party for so long, this job may be redundant.

Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri. His family has a long history in Republican politics, including several members who were judges. When Limbaugh was 16 years old he began working at a local radio station. After attending Southeast Missouri State University for a year he dropped out of college. In the early 1970s, Limbaugh moved to Pennsylvania to work as a radio disc jockey, using the alias Jeff Christie at KQV in Pittsburgh. In 1984, Limbaugh began working as a talk show host in Sacramento, California. His program featured no guests, relying exclusively on his emblem of conservative political analysis. In 1988, Limbaugh moved to New York City and began national broadcast of The Rush Limbaugh Show on WABC radio. His three-hour program made Limbaugh well-known.

In the 1990s Limbaugh’s fame grew beyond radio and into other media, such as publishing and television. He became a bestselling author with his books The Way Things Ought to Be (1992) and See, I Told You So (1993). From 1992 to 1996 Limbaugh hosted a half-hour television talk show. Limbaugh frequently accuses the American mainstream media of having a strong liberal bias.

Rush Limbaugh, 1951 – 2009.

Sources close to Mr. Limbaugh have confirmed that he is dying of cancer, which was first diagnosed earlier this year. After losing massive amount of weight, rumors began flying that Limbaugh could be terminally ill.

Rush was taken to the hospital in Hawaii while vacationing earlier this afternoon. He is listed in serious condition.

An emergency meeting was called on Capitol Hill. This is third high profile death caused by reckless prayers ordered by Senator Coburn. It is expected that Congress will ban prayer until further notice to prevent Glenn Beck from dying from hysteria.

Limbaugh is not expected to survive the night.  If it appears he is close to recovering, he has left orders to smother him with a pillow just before midnight, so he can be guaranteed a spot in most of the 2009 In Memorium Salutes.

While political pundits and analysts believe the Republicans lost an historically Republican district because of internal fissures within the party–pitting conservatives against moderates–Republican insiders believe they lost the seat to a Democrat because their candidate wasn’t seen as conservative enough.

In an interview with ABC News, Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele said the GOP had lost the New York district because the third party candidate Doug Hoffman was not a true conservative. He offered as evidence of his liberal values that Hoffman did not believe in rounding up homosexuals and putting them in detention camps, which ultimately cost him the race. Steele also said Hoffman still believed enough in science to not question gravity or a sun-centric solar system, which made conservatives distrust him as they read tea leaves and chicken innards to divine the future. Finally Steele said Hoffman also did not believe in nuking every other country on earth, which made him seem like a liberal pansy and soft on defense.

Steele suggested the party might look at alternatives for the 2010 mid-term elections to ensure that every candidate had as pure a conservative pedigree as possible. When asked to elaborate, Steele attempted to hold his cards to his vest, but then coyly smiled and gave a glimpse at the 2010 strategy.

“Clones,” Steele said with his trademark toothy grin. “We will create an army of clones, which will run in every race from Maine to California, winning every possible seat.”

When asked after whom these clones would be created Mr. Steele just laughed and said “Limbaugh and Palin, baby!” At which point he broke into an impromptu rap about sending his clone army to fight the Sith and their Dark Master, Emperor Obama.

The interviewer asked the Chairman if creating clones wasn’t somewhat unethical, considering the GOP’s previous stance against stem cell research. Steele replied “you gotta’ break some eggs to make an omlet, baby, even if those eggs are human!” Steele then started to break dance on the set, at which point the interview as concluded.

Time will tell whether an army of Palin and Limbaugh clones will be able to save the Republican Party. But one thing is certain, unless the party platform is reinforced, most of the Limbaughs will fall through from their enormous collective weight. In addition, all future Republican strategy memos will have to be written in crayon and illustrated with many pretty pictures if the party hopes of communicating with an army of Palins.

Rush blamed the entire fiasco on the liberal media, which is trying to keep him down and from becoming all mainstream. Of course if he had gotten to own the St. Louis Rams and become mainstream, then he would have to beat himself up on the air all day long, because he would be part of the mainstream media, which he decries so often.

Rush then went on a rant calling the NFL a liberal racist organization.  Later sources close to Rush explained that he chose his words poorly.  What Limbaugh really wanted to say was that the NFL was a homo gay organization where naked black and white men shower together, getting their hot rippled muscled bodies all soapy and sexy.

Rush Limbaugh then booked a flight to Costa Rica where he plans to spend some quality time with a twelve-year-old boy.

So I guess it was a good this for Rush that he is forced to broadcast on a mere 700 radio stations, and live in a paltry mansion in Palm Beach, and subside on just $400 million dollars.

Wow, being a white guy in this country is so damn hard!

Limbaugh is just the latest celebrity to suffer from an incurable cancer.  Earlier this month Patrick Swayze died after a 20-month battle, and earlier this summer Farrah Fawcett also succumbed to her illness.

Ironically, as Limbaugh’s illness enters the final stages, insiders suggest Rush will use his impending death to illustrate how a public option for health care reform would hasten his death.  A source who spoke on condition of anonymity, claims Limbaugh will even broadcast from his hospice, and plans to use his last dying breath to accuse Obama of being Muslim and a socialist.

Limbaugh is expected to continue to deny his illness until it is clear he is near the end, when he will launch a media blitz announcing how he has been kept alive for 58 years thanks to the superior medical care $400 million can buy.

Rush, email for rapid weight loss and penis enlargement does not constitute hate mail. You know nothing about hate mail. I receive horribly vicious hate mail on a daily basis. Here, for instance, is one I got after an interview I did with my puki pal, Michelle Malkin, on the Fox News.

Hey Blanca,

I caught your interview with Ms. Malkin, and I was disgusted. How dare you! I don’t consider myself a prude, but for God’s sake, please put on some clothes. I had just eaten lunch, and I vomited all over myself when I saw what you were trying to wear. Everyone loves little black dresses, but if you are a sixteen plus and try to wear a four, it just goes against the laws of nature.

Next time wear a burqah, you fat cow.

Now that is hate email!

Rush, if someone calls you out for being a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot, just brush it off, much like you do to the eight pounds of food that drops out of your mouth as you stuff your gullet. Don’t take it personally when someone accuses you of child rape or of drug abuse.

But I must agree with you on one point. What the left did to George W. Bush and the conservatives for eight years is far worse than the right has been doing to Barack Obama. Remember all those abortion opponents the pro choice crowd gunned down? No? How about all those conservatives shot and killed in their places of worship by left wingers? Not ringing a bell? I’m sure you can recall all those white Christian men who were targeted for being white and straight by the pink mafia. Not really?

Yeah, a couple of loons killing cops, Jews, doctors, people in their churches, gay people on the street, and sending increasingly alarming and incendiary email is nothing. It’s all in the left’s head.

Thank you for making us all feel safer.

The titular head—not to be confused with boob head—of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, reaffirmed his accusations of racism against Sotomayor, even as Newt “Don’t Call Me Kermit” Gingrich was back peddling faster than Senator Jeff Sessions at a NAACP meeting.

It seems that someone bothered to tell the Republican Party that their recent losses in nearly every demographic group would not be helped by alienating the fastest growing minority in the United States: Latinos. The only two groups, which Republicans are making modest gains with, are the two groups, which are actually shrinking: old people and conservative Christians. And with the Rapture due any day, all they will have left are the old bastards, who will be dying off at any time now.

Indeed the only other major conservative force who did not back down from assertions that Sotomayor hates white men because she is aware that she is not one, was Pat Buchanan. But Pat may not be the best judge of character when it comes to racism. I’m not saying the man has a thing against African American, but let’s just put it this way: he’s the guy who gave Susan Smith the idea to blame it on a black guy.

The only thing worse than Sonia Sotomayor’s awful racism, and massive tits, is her empathy. There is nothing more dangerous than an empathetic racist. Anyone who can hate someone based on race and then put himself in his shoes is just horrible.

Republicans must stand their ground, and stop this activist, racist, empathetic judge who will legislate from the bench and may actually be a stealth pro-lifer. We must filibuster her, now that we are in the minority and filibustering judges is our Hail Mary pass.

And did I mention she has tits?

Like New Coke, a reformulation will only cause the faithful to abandon the G.O.P. in droves, most likely to the Libertarian or Constitutional parties. As with Match Game 76, the stars are the same, the jokes just as lame, and the host, just as dull and witless as always. And just like Windows 7, it doesn’t matter how much of a new interface you put on the party, in the end the code is just the same, and it is just as buggy as ever.

Big Republican names held a pizza party to put some fresh spit on the old shit, which is the party as of late. Jeb “Let Me Shove that Feeding Tube in You Mrs. Schiavo” Bush led the parade of lost souls. He was accompanied by the Boy du Jour, Eric Cantor, who is in a race with Virginia Foxx, Michelle Bachmann, Bobby Jindal, and Sarah Palin, to see who can evacuate his head of brains the fastest. The competition has been siff, but Cantor has been able to keep up so far. With his lips firmly placed on Rush Limbaugh’s ass, he is crooning the right tune like only a cantor can.

Rounding out the trio of twits was Mitt “My Magic Underwear Keeps Me Safe” Romney. Mittens is best known for driving AMC motors into the ground and for saving the Olympics from the Mormans who wanted to put the swimmers is burqahs. The arch conversative, whose supreme reign saw the first state to go all gay with marriage, at least stemmed the pink tide by pulling an oldie but a goodie out of his bag of legal tricks, using an archane law preventing Massachusetts from recognizing marriages illegal in other states, i.e., interracial marriages. What a mensch!

And ladies and gentleman, I present to you the lineup of the New Republican Party, 2009. All that was missing was Newt “Kermit the Frog” Gingerich, to make what’s old new again.

Look, guys, it will take more than a kegger to bring this party back from the dead. You have to work on fixing what is wrong with the Grand Old Party, namely, all of you schmucks. If we don’t return to our core values–whatever the hell they are–we are doomed. You guys turned our party upside down, forcing together groups, which have been diametrically opposed. You made the gun nuts join hands with the Rapture Ready crowd. Although I do see the connection, the gun nuts have yet to give their guns to the Rapturists so they can make a quick exit from this world and join God for brunch.

The party of Lincoln became the party of Reagan, and somewhere along the line, we became the party of Nixon and 43. Now we are the party of Jindall, Palin, and Foxx. Soon, we will end up being the party of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

As long as you dipshits are running the show, we are doomed. Our numbers are falling faster than the soon-to-be-falling fake tits of Miss California. A few weeks ago we were at 23%. Now we are at 21%. If we continue this way, by the end of the year we will be lucky if 15% of electorate identify themselves as Republicans.

Time is running out. If you can’t fix things, then it may be time to jump ship. Blanca is a conservative, but she like winning. I guess I can be the next Ben Nelson or Mary Landrieu. Just call me Blanca DeBree, D-WI.